Sunday, September 9, 2018

Dear Bruce

Dear Bruce, I love you so much. Can you see how much from all of these blog entries on how to submit to you and allow you to be the dominant leader that you are? I hope so- I know women and men communicate differently, but it really is an expression of my devotion to you. Don’t worry, I don’t think we have a relationship issue that we need to discuss or anything, I know that is typically why I write to you. I just want to try communicating in a new way- via public blog post is definitely off the beaten path, right? It’s true, as we’ve discussed recently, that we are in a slight submission/dominance lull, but I think we’re really doing pretty well together overall; we’re currently in this weird sort of limbo phase (on top of the craziness of having two little toddlers and both of us working full time!), and even still we are regularly connecting and keeping up honest communication. Good for us, I say! I know that a lot of our health as a couple and as a family comes from the things that you do for me and for us. Even when things aren’t totally relaxed, you still always put in effort to be a good head of the house, and I love that. First of all you work to provide for us and make a better life for us, and that is a huge sacrifice; thank you. Thank you also for working to defend our time together as a family as much as you can. Thank you for playing with the kids and loving on them so much in the evenings after you’ve worked all day. It is so attractive to see how much they love you <3 Speaking of attractive, I love when you pray aloud with the family, and when you talk to the kids about God’s love and power. You are SO attractively dominant when you are leading in that way. I also appreciate how you set aside several nights a week to spend with just me. You even often organize the details for our date nights, and more significant than that you care enough to put your phone aside on those nights. And most of all, I so appreciate that you maintain our sex life so actively. As much as I enjoy and daydream about sex with you, I still fall asleep on the couch so many evenings, and as you know that puts me in a sleepy stupor when we head to bed. It makes me feel so loved and valued that you wake me more fully and initiate intimacy on so many of those nights. Our intimacy is so nice on our more intentional evenings, but we sure would be intimate less often if you would just let it go on all of those sleepy nights. And gesture aside, the sex itself is always pretty damn amazing! I definitely appreciate that a LOT :) Finally, I appreciate the way you dominate me. Thank you for making me watch my tone when I start talking to you in a way that neither of us want, and thank you for making executive decisions when I really don’t want to. Thank you for making me blog even when I don’t feel like it, because you know it helps me to take time to focus on this part of myself. Thank you for caring enough to express preference on what I wear for date nights when I ask. Thank you for spanking me when I need correction, and thank you for spanking me to remind me who’s in charge. Thank you for knowing that a hard spanking helps me more than a light one, even though that hurt a little to admit aloud... Thank you for knowing where my limit is even when I don’t. Thank you for knowing how much it helps me to take me past that limit sometimes, and thank you for taking the time to do that from time to time. Thank you for holding me tight after a harsh spanking. Thank you for the times during “aftercare” that you tell me that you love me and that I am forgiven. Thank you for wrapping your strong arms around me all through the night every night. I cherish that so much. I am so lucky to have a man like you. I know we are even more harmonious, attracted to each other, and fulfilled when we are on top of the dominance/submission dynamic, so out of gratitude for the many many things listed above I want to commit to submitting better than I have been lately. I’m going to specifically work on watching my tone and thinking before speaking, and I will also work on taking on more with the kids when we’re together so you can occasionally get a break from their crazy toddler ways :) Is there anything else you want me to work on right now? Please tell me if so. I am so thankful for you, my love. Thank you for all you do every single day, and thank you for loving me like you do. I cannot imagine how empty my life would have been if I had never met you, and I thank God for bringing us together. You are by far the best thing that could ever happen to me. I love you so. -Me :)

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Peaks, Valleys, and In Between

Well I know it’s been more than a week, but I’m still in my submissive-lull. Nothing terrible, just nothing great you know? I’ve talked back when I shouldn’t have, and even used a disrespectful tone at times. But at least I’m still giving him foot and neck rubs, and still deferring to him with the kids or if I want to spend money on something, that kind of thing. Things could be worse. It’s just that the great feeling that comes when we’re humming along in a respect-begets-love-begets-respect-etc. cycle is absent right now. We’re still intimate more than once a week, but even in that the fire is lacking a bit more than usual. Bruce is also somewhat subdued in the dominance department currently; he’s not tolerating straight up disrespect, but he isn’t on me like he sometimes is. And more significantly, when he does show dominance it is lacking that affectionate edge that is so inspiring and comforting to me. He’s not being unkind by any means, we’ve just both lost the loving/respectful spark for now.

I want us to be in that great reciprocal groove, or even just get into the submissive groove myself as that can be somewhat fulfilling all on it’s own. And I want to give that to Bruce! There are actions I can take to make this happen, so I suppose my focus should go there, right? Right.

Okay, so the main action I will focus on this week is thinking before speaking/reacting. And while I’ve been pretty good about trying to look nice, wear cute underwear, etc. I’m sure I could also find the energy to keep up on the house better and cook a bit more throughout the week. So that’s my secondary focus- a cleaner house when he gets home and dinner cooking more often than the past few weeks.

Wishing all of you submissive wives great submissive vibes and lots of energy. I wish that for myself as well! Sometimes submission is beautiful, sometimes it’s painful, and then sometimes it’s just not in the foreground like it should be at all. We’ll get it back eventually I’m sure. And the above is a good start. I’ll be back with an update on how it’s working. Until then have a great two weeks everyone :)

Sunday, August 5, 2018

I depend on me :)

Hello All. I’ll continue in my coffee-shop gossip style of post this week because I honestly don’t feel like blogging about anything submissive. Bruce is a great man and I am crazy about him, and we haven’t even had any disagreements or anything, I’m just feeling vaguely frustrated with a couple of things and just generally feeling very unsubmissive.

What do submissive wives do when we feel unsubmissive? We obviously have two options: #1, behave submissively anyway, or #2, act however we feel without considering our spouses at all. Of course nobody’s perfect, we all do the latter a bit from time to time, but it’s a different story when one deliberately opts for #2.

I’d love to say I’m just such a great wife that I usually attempt option #1 because it’s the right thing to do, but really its because I selfishly want this dynamic to work and it really falls apart with option #2. Take right now for example: if I chose to just do my own thing, not get nasty or anything but just focus on my own desires and blow him off a bit, well that makes the dynamic quite false. It’s more like “Oh we do this dominant and submissive thing when we feel like it,” which really sounds more like a game than anything else. But it’s not a game, it’s real. And treating it like a game hurts both of us. If I just give up and act unsubmissive then yeah, I’ll probably get punished plenty hard sometime in the next few days, and we’ll eventually get back on track, but the solidness of our relationship erodes a bit. The solidness of the dynamic erodes a bit, not to mention his trust in my desire to be a submissive wife.

I guess it’s kind of like the ultimate time to be submissive then! But I still say ugh. We all tell each other (and ourselves) that it’s important to do the right thing even when we don’t feel like it, but it’s just so damn hard to do sometimes right?! I’m tired. I have a lot on my mind right now. I have a lot of responsibilities weighing on me at the moment. I don’t feel like heeding the things he says or going out of my way to look nice for him, make the house nice for him, etc. I don’t feel like watching my tone and biting my tongue when something really doesn’t need to be said. BUT, I will work hard to do those things anyway. Because it’s right. Right?

Maybe I’ll ask for some hard-but-not-too-hard maintenance to help motivate me. Except that I’m still literally feeling my last maintenance session so that’s probably a stupid idea in a couple of different ways. And let’s be real, hard-but-not-too-hard maintenance is about as real as a unicorn around here! Ok, so no request for motivation. But I think I’ve got this, I can handle it on my own. I am an independent woman after all! Yeah. Throw your hands up at me if you support me in this, ha. I mean, always 50/50 in relationships right? Whoops, I think I got caught up in a [very retro] song that doesn’t wholly apply to my situation...

But in any case, I’ve GOT this.

I think.

Either way, I’ll report back next week and let you know how it went. Wish me luck, it is hard to do this! After all, Ladies it ain’t easy being independent ;)

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Sometimes DD is just really hot!

My typical blogging process is to try to summarize my past two weeks and consider what lessons or important moments I’ve experienced so that I can post with a theme of thought. But today I just want to share my thoughts without any planned deeper meaning or cohesiveness. So take it or leave it, I’m going to treat this post like I’m having coffee with a close friend who understands and cares about our use of DD. Who knows, maybe my ramblings will organize themselves around something specific that I can use to title this post!

First of all, man is this lifestyle lonely! I’m not comfortable sharing with anyone in my regular life, and people already in the lifestyle understandably have their own lives and dynamics to focus on. Add in the fact that everyone practices DD in different ways and intensities, and it’s just not ideal to share everything that’s on your mind, ever. But sometimes I want to do just that!

We went on a family trip this past week (SO stressful with babies), and we had two nights of total privacy, even more than we have at home (and we have a fair amount of privacy regularly once the kids are in bed). Bruce told me to pack the strap, which to my memory is the first time I have ever been allowed to pack anything other than the lexan paddle! He told me ahead of time that I would be getting some serious maintenance, so I knew it was coming. We’re definitely getting back in the swing of DD since pregnancies, but spanking and keeping up on our roles have taken such a hit that I think it will be a while before we get back to where we were pre-babies. Anyway, serious maintenance used to involve more intensity and more submission, which led to more intense feelings and connections. He still spanks plenty hard now, but I’m just never really sure what to expect since we both know I can’t handle a fraction of what I used to.

The first night he gave me a long, hard warm-up with his hand. I almost love getting these relatively brief hand spankings from him- they are intimate and definitely plenty intense, but never over the top. To be honest they just turn me on a lot! But this actually kind of sucks because these types of spankings are generally followed by a really harsh spanking with an unbearable implement, or a continued hand spanking that becomes unbearably long. He knows I’m a spanko, ha, and he’s been clear from the beginning that my spankings need to hurt a lot or they won’t be very effective at anything other than foreplay. He’s right; the punishments are horrible and I hate everything about them... and hard maintenance is sobering and effectively makes me feel like I am most certainly not in control (to me this is the most beautiful feeling that DD offers, it is scary and awful in the moment, but freeing and profoundly intimate in retrospect. It clears my head and gives me perspective and emotional stability like no other worldly thing).

Anyway, the warm up was followed by forty strikes with the strap. He has never used the strap that much before! One thing I have to say for lexan, it delivers a horrible surface sting (one that has aptly been compared to scalding!), but it never leaves any deep bruising. Even after a really intense paddling I usually have a skin rash of sorts, but any tenderness that lingers is not pronounced or deep enough to leave visible bruises. This is not so with the strap! In the morning I was plenty sore. Every time I sat down or pressed against something I was reminded of his expression of dominance over me, and honestly I loved it. While lingering soreness from a punishment spanking can bring mixed emotions, lingering soreness from maintenance makes me feel loved, dominated, and cared for. Especially since, for us, maintenance almost always ends in intimacy.

That following night brought a pleasant but real discussion about how I am still somewhat off the mark submissively. Bruce does not blame me for this, he owns that he has been less committed to leading as well, in fact he has blamed himself a few times, citing the fact that he knows how to fix it and yet hasn’t done it as much as he could have when times were especially stressful. Of course we are really each responsible for ourselves, but I love that he recognizes how powerful DD can be when we are diligent about everything.

At the end of our rejuvenating and romantic evening it was time for round two. This time the warm-up was pretty hard to take as I was already very sore, and when he started in with the strap I struggled badly. I had trouble staying quiet throughout, but eventually I did manage to keep mostly still. It seemed to last forever, and after twenty or so I was definitely crying. After a grueling total of sixty strikes he was done, and despite the (considerable)  pain I was so ready when he initiated intimacy. I felt dominated and loved, alive and attractive. I just felt so connected to the man next to me. I remember thinking how crazy this scenario would be to any “normal” couple, but I also distinctly remember thinking that I did not care. I know this thing we do is strange, but it makes sense to us and we are careful to use it in a way that brings us closer to the husband and wife that we want to be. I am so thankful for that!

I woke feeling more sore than I have since our kids were born, and I certainly felt it for the next several days. In fact Bruce has made sure to nurse the soreness with a few spankings here and there, and I am still uncomfortable when I sit down almost a week later! But I’m glowing over our renewed DD efforts, and the reminder of how freaking hot this all can be.

And so, as our coffee date comes to a close, let me share a few summative thoughts. I love this dynamic we share. I love the serious times that I really hate, but that sharpen me to be a better wife and a better person. I love the discussions it brings about between the two of us, and the wordless closeness it brings. I love the scandalous sexiness of the physicality of it all. Even in the serious and challenging times I just want to shout from the roof tops that me submitting and him leading simply makes sense! And then I want to tell all of my girlfriends that married “kink” isn’t necessarily horrible if you use your brain and if the basis of it comes from a sincere place... and wow can it make for a crazy hot sex life! Lol ok I can just imagine someone quoting the above to underline the warped perspective of people like us. But I know that many people out there, those who aren’t focused so hard on squeezing their ears closed, many of them can catch a glimmer of sense, of rightness in this crazy thing. Okay okay, maybe the spanking part is truly crazy. But men do want to lead, and women do want to submit, not coweringly but strongly and beautifully. And monogamous married sex is the hottest sex imaginable! There is no possible way that two people who aren’t committed for the long haul can understand each other this fully or connect this deeply! It’s amazing. It is worth celebrating.

But as I toss my coffee cup and head back on the road I know that this celebration isn’t one that I can share with most people I meet, particularly in today’s American society. So I go about my daily life as if my home life is just as routine as the next guy’s. I tolerate the snickers of teenagers who think they have a clue what hot sex looks like. I smile politely when people say that Bruce and I seem so happy in love. I guess I could stop them and explain that our secret is that he spanks the heck out of me whenever he wants to. In fact sometimes I want to! But a polite smile is just a lot less complicated isn’t it?

:)

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Giving Him What He Wants

I remember the first time I talked to Bruce about DD... he was a bit weirded out, and I was pretty sure it was going to be a no-go. But even though it was somewhat hidden beneath his conscious awareness, he did want to be the leader in our relationship. So after a lot of trial and error (we made absolutely all of the typical newbie mistakes), we could at least see that it was something that may eventually be good for us, and thus worth giving a try.

And now that he’s finally had an opportunity to truly hold the reigns, he knows that it’s right. That he can be a good leader and that our relationship can be harmonious if I let him lead. I know it too, of course. But man do old habits die hard. If only I always had that in the forefront of my mind before speaking and acting! But that’s the big key, isn’t it?

Last night we were making love, vanilla style (by the way, I think it’s so important to keep it vanilla every so often- to me if we can’t enjoy each other that simply then something’s definitely wrong). Anyway I was on top, which is fine because he wanted that, but that position can sometimes be a lot of work! After a while he took me in his arms and said “Baby, lay your entire body on me. Just relax and lay all the way down.” I admit it felt unnatural to just do that, but I did. And guess what? He knew exactly how he wanted our bodies to work together. It had been nice to begin with, but when I let him lead me it became much nicer.

As we got ready to sleep I thought about the implications of what had happened. I was doing it my way because I wasn’t thinking about him leading, and he let me. In fact, he almost always lets me. Probably partially because it isn’t in the forefront of his mind either, but also partially because it’s in his nature to be honorable; he doesn’t ever want to thwart me in any way. Nonetheless, I would always prefer that he lead, and he always prefers to do so. But the problem last night was the typical problem in this scenario- I just didn’t even think about who was leading. Society sucks that way, helping us women and men completely lose track of what we really want, without even realizing we’re making a choice to do so.

Anyway, I already know it’s better when he’s leading. But the specific thought I held on to as I drifted off to sleep is that he is always ready to lead in our relationship; I just have to remember to let him.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Key To Marital Bliss (not what you think!)

I literally have the answer, I’m not kidding. And no it’s not necessarily spanking :) That can add a lot of very nice things, but that’s not what I’m talking about. But I do think that this lifestyle brushes against the “answer,” so I feel it makes sense to discuss this on my blog.

Are you ready? Love and respect. There’s a whole book on it, and here’s the premise: a man’s love language is respect. Once you think about it this way, this truth is painfully obvious everywhere you turn. Men make so much more sense this way, ha! But here’s the application of this concept in marriage: when a man feels respected by his wife he naturally responds lovingly, and when his wife feels loved she naturally responds respectfully. Inversely of course, when he feels disrespected he withdraws, and his wife feels unloved, which leads her to behave disrespectfully, ad nauseum. This concept changed my life. It’s been a while since I read the book, but I recently went back through it and I’m thinking I really have to share this idea with as many people as I can.

I’m not a big reader, but the book elaborating on this phenomenon is something I cannot recommend more strongly. It’s called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, and no matter how happy your marriage may be, I am confident that the truth laid out in this book will make it better. NonChristians can benefit from this concept as much as Christians can, but I should mention that it is a Christian book. The writer points out that the primary Bible verse on marriage is “Husbands love your wives; wives respect your husbands.” (Ephesians 5). This wasn’t some sexist command, it was a literal description of how to function so both parties can meet the needs of the other! Of course, as a totally messed up society we have just completely ignored the second part of that simple directive, assuming that no, respect must always be earned. And maybe in other cases it should. But the suggestion here is that we respect our husbands because they are our husbands, period. This was actually the most freeing part of this concept for me; before, I always felt that my desire to help my husband follow his moral compass conflicted with my desire to simply make him happy, but now I see that they actually go hand in hand. It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict him, and it is my job to step back and let Him. No internal debate about how to react anymore- I know the answer is always to show respect above all else, and that’s that. Unless of course he is explicitly leading us against scripture... but if we’re honest with ourselves, questioning his purity of heart is not at all explicit, and thus not a justification to withhold respect. In any case, I urge everyone to consider this concept. And please read the book on it rather than only my not-so-eloquent summation of the idea. 

Whew, it’s hard not to internally cringe when connecting Christianity to a spanking blog... to me they can work hand in hand, but I certainly realize that spanking in a romantic relationship is largely kink. After praying and meeting with a conservative Lutheran Pastor about adopting this lifestyle (yep I really did that; see my post titled as much!), I feel very confident that DD is no different than many other harmless things that can be an aid to faith if used correctly and a detriment if not. I know I say this type of thing a lot throughout my blog, but it’s important to me that I don’t dishonor my God by connecting Him too explicitly or forcefully to this lifestyle. 

SO, to tie it all together, I really believe that this is why spanking can work- it addresses a man’s need to feel respect and a woman’s need to feel loved. And it’s hot, ha. Seriously though, think about it. I mean, the respect thing not the spanking thing. Or hey, why not think about both ;)


Sunday, May 13, 2018

Pain

Let's talk pain. After all, that's a big part of this lifestyle. Why does it bring us closer and help us connect? I guess in a sense it's comparable to watching scary movies with your significant other; that feeling of danger and excitement. It fulfills a need to care for or be cared for by the other. So do we like the fear in scary movies, or just the closeness that it causes? Either way, it’s not a perfect analogy because the thrill or shock of a scare isn't altogether unpleasant, while pain is just purely awful. Masochists supposedly like pain, but I'm not really sure what that means: there are people that like a bad feeling? Are their receptors wired differently or something? Either the definition is inaccurate or I am most positively not a masochist. I hate pain. I admit that the dominance and submission expressed by the pain is a turn on, but the pain itself is quite literally a turn off. I lose any semblance of eroticism when I am trying to process or even tolerate physical pain.

It should go without saying that a D/s or DD relationship is about way more than pain. But is it necessary for the physical aspect of the power exchange? I think we all feel better about ourselves if we say it isn't about the pain, but I believe the physicality is often critically connected to pain. Granted, sometimes it’s completely unrelated: for instance, when I rub Bruce’s feet or he holds me tight. Or occasionally he’s had me bend over or lay over his lap with no intention of actually spanking me. But during the other times I think it is necessary, although it is not the central objective: when Bruce spanks me to reaffirm our roles, or even as a punishment, he intends to express dominance and I intend to express submission to the point of physical pain. So while this exchange is the focus, the pain literally indicates the extent of his control and my submission. Maybe we’re messed up to see it this way, but that level of dominance and submission is incredibly sexy to us, and it creates an added connection that we love. To us it is profound to give to each other in that way.

But then there’s the distracting issue of the actual pain, which as I’ve said is unavoidably a turnoff. Several days ago Bruce told me it was high time we get back to basics (and he was right, I’ve been way less submissive than we’d both prefer). So mid-discussion he stopped everything and made me go downstairs and bend over the bed. Out came the lexan paddle, and even through my yoga pants and underwear the pain was just way too much for me to take this time. I’m not sure why, perhaps because I was emotionally fired up already, or maybe because I was starting to get sick (for the past week or so I’ve been really horribly, epically sick). Whatever the reason, I just could not take it. I begged and cried and told him I thought something might be wrong with me.  He said “Yes, there is something wrong with you. You haven’t been spanked near as much as you should be lately.” Despite my discomfort I could tell he hadn’t been spanking me especially hard to begin with, but even still he did lighten up a bit in reaction to my panicking. He didn’t stop the spanking though. In fact he removed my pants and underwear after a few more strikes, and continued without slowing. I panted and bit my lip and just couldn’t think of anything other than how to get through the next few moments. I took it worse than I have in quite a long time, squirming and protesting desperately. By the time he was finished I was a sobbing mess, and he held me tight while I cried. He told me I was fine, and helped me calm down. He told me he loved me, and that I really couldn’t treat him the way I had been treating him recently. I agreed, and after a few minutes we got up and went back about our day. But whew it stuck with me that my pain tolerance is way, way down.

So the pain is a very real and very unpleasant part of our dynamic. But if the pain assists in maintaining our roles and giving us another way to connect, how bad is it? I was seriously maxed out during the above spanking, I cannot remember another time where I felt I just couldn’t take anymore to that extent. But you know what? I could take more and I did. It was supremely unpleasant and unnerving, but nothing of any lasting consequence actually happened. I didn’t faint or get sick in any way. I’m not emotionally scarred. A day or so later even my backside was completely back to normal. So maybe it’s not all as barbaric as it seems. The value of the dynamic is the give and take; in part the added effort and responsibility is Bruce’s give, and in part the pain is mine. Bruce says we’re getting back into it more now, and I will be experiencing soreness far more. Okay, more pain, but more submission, more dominance, and more restored roles. We’ve both agreed we’re ready for some of that. So I’ll take the good with the bad, because no matter how bad the “bad” is, I know by now that the good is so very worth it :)