Sunday, November 4, 2018

Filtering Speech

Apologies for not replying to comments, there is a kink in my blogger account that I’m trying to get sorted out, and it won’t let me comment at all.

I apologized to Bruce this week for just not being submissive like I want to be, specifically in what I’ve been saying. I’ve not been sassing or anything blatantly disrespectful, just not deferring to him like I should be. I need that submissive filter, and it generally just hasn’t been there. Here are the worst *completely unfiltered* things I’ve been guilty of saying at least once recently:

(When feeling needy)
“Did you even notice that...”
Yikes. With a filter I would just respectfully come out with it: “Could you give me verbal affirmation whenever you think of it? That helps me a lot.”

(When feeling overwhelmed)
- - - [as in no response]
With a filter I would face the diaper blowout or toddler meltdown and say “I know you’re tired honey. I can get this one.”

(When feeling appreciative)
“Thanks baby.”
Filtered this should be way more specific and articulate: “Wow thanks for wiping up the kitchen after also helping me feed the kids. Especially after working all day! Dinner was way more manageable and enjoyable this way.”

(When frustrated or upset)
“Seriously?” or “Come on.”
With a filter this could be more like: “Do we definitely have to do this right now?” or “Could we possibly do this thing differently?”

So there’s my homework. I’ve been fixing a couple of these pretty consistently, but some are still happening here and there. I know better, and Bruce certainly deserves better. But even if he didn’t, it’s just the right way to do things. I’m on it, and blogging more specifically about this helped a lot. Hopefully this post will eventually help someone else along the way too.

Have a great week everyone :)

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Real Fantasies

Isn’t it funny how most fantasies logistically cannot become reality? I’m talking about the type of fantasies that literally cannot play out the way we imagine or daydream that they should. DD fantasies are like that I think!

I always fantasize that Bruce and I have a terrible argument, and he rescues us from it by lovingly and authoritatively pulling me over his lap, and says something about how he loves me or is willing to fight for us or something wonderful that makes me melt with affection. He spanks me long and hard, and when he’s finished we have passionate sex, then complete the evening in each other’s arms. This is a fantasy I’ve always had in my head. Well a few nights ago nearly that exact series of events actually happened, but it really wasn’t at all like I had imagined it before. Now for me just having a man that is willing to do even some of the above is a fantasy in itself, and that fantasy does translate beautifully into reality. Unfortunately neither of us use DD as often as we should, but we do both know that it’s worth the extra effort in the long run.

So just for fun I want to break down the fantasy vs reality of the above scenario...

1) A heated argument is halted by Bruce kindly but firmly pulling me over his lap
- Fantasy: I melt over the affection behind the gesture
- Reality: I did feel vaguely thankful, but I was still wrapped up in the argument, so mostly I just felt conflicted and unsettled

2) He gives me a long hard spanking
- Fantasy: the spanking hurts enough for me to feel his authority, but is mostly just hot
- Reality: the spanking hurt so badly I could not think of anything past the discomfort, and I was nowhere near being turned on

3) We have passionate sex afterward
- Fantasy: we segue perfectly into lovemaking, and it’s amazingly spiced up
- Reality: ok it was still amazing, but it took some time for us to get into it and shift gears from the emotional gravity of such a hard spanking

4) We end the scenario in a loving embrace
- Fantasy: he holds me tight, tells me I am forgiven, that I’ve taken it well, etc... all very eloquently and affectionately...
- Reality: he held me tight and told me he loves me. Those are two major things for sure, but I either had to infer or verbally confirm the other “aftercare” stuff- this is just the way he is, and I love who he is so that’s okay

So fantasy and reality can mix a bit, but here was this almost-identical scenario, and I just couldn’t help but notice the absurdity of my fantasy. A hard spanking that is mostly just hot? In my experience that’s just literally not a thing at all! And having perfect clarity in the midst of a heated argument? I can’t ever see the bigger picture when I’m worked up emotionally. I guess my takeaway is that fantasies are so unrealistic that we wouldn’t even like them if they happened exactly as we imagined. I love that he spanked me to get through to me and not just to turn me on, and the reason the gesture was so beautiful in the first place is that I wasn’t willing to accept it but he made the effort to propose and insist on what he knew would get us back on the same page.

Maybe I’m a space cadet, but I really do feel like I’m living a fantasy with him. Still, the fantasy is never “perfect,” and sometimes it really isn’t a fantasy at all. Because let’s be real: marriage is a commitment, women and men think differently, emotions are sticky, and anything worth doing it gruellingly hard work. This is especially true of putting the other first! We’re not where we want to be, but I believe we are traveling in the correct direction. Everything’s a journey right? And boy am I enjoying the ride ;)

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Fighting the Good Fight!

Hi all! Life is always hard work, but it’s been a decent couple of weeks. I so enjoyed writing to Bruce via blog, and I think he liked it too. He came to me one night last week and hugged me, saying he just read my post (he occasionally reads them the night after I post, but it usually takes him a few days to get around to it- I so appreciate that he does it at all!). I hugged him back and waited for him to say whatever else he might say about the post. It was actually sort of funny though: he said “I love you so much baby. I really do need to be spanking your ass more often lately.” I nearly choked on my spit and said something to the effect of ‘wait, that’s not where I was going with that,’ but he just smiled and patted my bottom. Then he said how much better we are (and specifically how much better I am) when he is doing it more often. I politely assented like a good submissive wife, ha.

It’s funny, I do certainly feel we fulfill our roles more easily when he is spanking me regularly. But it just really hurts! I was chatting with my friend Madeline about this a while ago, it’s like starting back up at anything tough in that it’s just hard to seek out when you know it wont be entirely pleasant. Or be pleasant at all!

So I’ve been spanked three times since then, two of those times hard enough that I really wanted it to stop, which as I’ve mentioned is helpful to me even though I dread it more. Three times in two weeks is certainly not as frequent as it has been in the past, but it’s still helpful. I’ve definitely been more conscious of what he is feeling or thinking lately, although I admit I’ve still struggled with tone when feeling hurt or unheard.

Did I mention that I’m also dieting right now? Ha, it sounds silly, but calorie reduction really does take a toll on my overall energy and positivity. I’m average weight since recovering from Baby #2, but back in college and graduate school I was super thin, and I’d love to get back there again. I owe it to Bruce, not to be thinner necessarily I think he is happy either way, but when I am thinner I feel more confident and that affects everything; initiating intimacy, dressing the way he likes, going the extra mile in my overall appearance, etc. Also I feel so feminine and dainty when I am smaller! Maybe it’s in my head, but I think it affects Bruce’s masculinity and protective nature too, and I love that. Anyway I’m really hitting it hard right now, eating right and controlling portions, skipping sugars and exercising regularly, the whole nine yards. And overall it’s working! But overall I am more worn out, more irritable, and mentally just weaker if that makes any sense. So silly or not, it is a very real factor in my submission. We’re also still in a sort of impermanent place right now with Bruce’s career, but overall I think we’re in a good place with that.

Stress is still a factor though, undeniably. And stress can really ero de a relationship, so we’re actively fighting that. This week we’re going to try to set everything down (even our toddlers) when he gets home, and sit with each other for just five minutes to reconnect about our days and state of mind. We’re also hugging more than once a day (you know, endorphins and all of that), and trying to make a point of sharing what is currently and specifically making us feel overwhelmed or stressed, even though Bruce reserves the right to add the stipulation of not discussing whatever it is. Just stating it will at least give me a better insight into his state of mind, and that will help both of us plenty.

I love this man of mine. We are fighting the good fight- it’s an uphill battle, but it is so worth it! It is so helpful for me to go back and read previous posts about past struggles, etc. Submission lull or not, we have come a long way overall! I almost wish our kids could read this someday when they are feeling lonely over the fact that marriage is a lot of work, but then I remember that they would be irrevocably scarred knowing that Mommy ever had a sex-related blog about Daddy. Yikes, talk about nightmares.

Speaking of blog reading, I cannot describe how much I appreciate the comments and private messages. There are so many beautiful women in this submissive community and I feel honored to be a part it, so thank you for letting me connect with you all in this way.

Well, ready or not here comes another Monday! I hope everybody has a great week :)

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Dear Bruce

Dear Bruce, I love you so much. Can you see how much from all of these blog entries on how to submit to you and allow you to be the dominant leader that you are? I hope so- I know women and men communicate differently, but it really is an expression of my devotion to you. Don’t worry, I don’t think we have a relationship issue that we need to discuss or anything, I know that is typically why I write to you. I just want to try communicating in a new way- via public blog post is definitely off the beaten path, right? It’s true, as we’ve discussed recently, that we are in a slight submission/dominance lull, but I think we’re really doing pretty well together overall; we’re currently in this weird sort of limbo phase (on top of the craziness of having two little toddlers and both of us working full time!), and even still we are regularly connecting and keeping up honest communication. Good for us, I say! I know that a lot of our health as a couple and as a family comes from the things that you do for me and for us. Even when things aren’t totally relaxed, you still always put in effort to be a good head of the house, and I love that. First of all you work to provide for us and make a better life for us, and that is a huge sacrifice; thank you. Thank you also for working to defend our time together as a family as much as you can. Thank you for playing with the kids and loving on them so much in the evenings after you’ve worked all day. It is so attractive to see how much they love you <3 Speaking of attractive, I love when you pray aloud with the family, and when you talk to the kids about God’s love and power. You are SO attractively dominant when you are leading in that way. I also appreciate how you set aside several nights a week to spend with just me. You even often organize the details for our date nights, and more significant than that you care enough to put your phone aside on those nights. And most of all, I so appreciate that you maintain our sex life so actively. As much as I enjoy and daydream about sex with you, I still fall asleep on the couch so many evenings, and as you know that puts me in a sleepy stupor when we head to bed. It makes me feel so loved and valued that you wake me more fully and initiate intimacy on so many of those nights. Our intimacy is so nice on our more intentional evenings, but we sure would be intimate less often if you would just let it go on all of those sleepy nights. And gesture aside, the sex itself is always pretty damn amazing! I definitely appreciate that a LOT :) Finally, I appreciate the way you dominate me. Thank you for making me watch my tone when I start talking to you in a way that neither of us want, and thank you for making executive decisions when I really don’t want to. Thank you for making me blog even when I don’t feel like it, because you know it helps me to take time to focus on this part of myself. Thank you for caring enough to express preference on what I wear for date nights when I ask. Thank you for spanking me when I need correction, and thank you for spanking me to remind me who’s in charge. Thank you for knowing that a hard spanking helps me more than a light one, even though that hurt a little to admit aloud... Thank you for knowing where my limit is even when I don’t. Thank you for knowing how much it helps me to take me past that limit sometimes, and thank you for taking the time to do that from time to time. Thank you for holding me tight after a harsh spanking. Thank you for the times during “aftercare” that you tell me that you love me and that I am forgiven. Thank you for wrapping your strong arms around me all through the night every night. I cherish that so much. I am so lucky to have a man like you. I know we are even more harmonious, attracted to each other, and fulfilled when we are on top of the dominance/submission dynamic, so out of gratitude for the many many things listed above I want to commit to submitting better than I have been lately. I’m going to specifically work on watching my tone and thinking before speaking, and I will also work on taking on more with the kids when we’re together so you can occasionally get a break from their crazy toddler ways :) Is there anything else you want me to work on right now? Please tell me if so. I am so thankful for you, my love. Thank you for all you do every single day, and thank you for loving me like you do. I cannot imagine how empty my life would have been if I had never met you, and I thank God for bringing us together. You are by far the best thing that could ever happen to me. I love you so. -Me :)

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Peaks, Valleys, and In Between

Well I know it’s been more than a week, but I’m still in my submissive-lull. Nothing terrible, just nothing great you know? I’ve talked back when I shouldn’t have, and even used a disrespectful tone at times. But at least I’m still giving him foot and neck rubs, and still deferring to him with the kids or if I want to spend money on something, that kind of thing. Things could be worse. It’s just that the great feeling that comes when we’re humming along in a respect-begets-love-begets-respect-etc. cycle is absent right now. We’re still intimate more than once a week, but even in that the fire is lacking a bit more than usual. Bruce is also somewhat subdued in the dominance department currently; he’s not tolerating straight up disrespect, but he isn’t on me like he sometimes is. And more significantly, when he does show dominance it is lacking that affectionate edge that is so inspiring and comforting to me. He’s not being unkind by any means, we’ve just both lost the loving/respectful spark for now.

I want us to be in that great reciprocal groove, or even just get into the submissive groove myself as that can be somewhat fulfilling all on it’s own. And I want to give that to Bruce! There are actions I can take to make this happen, so I suppose my focus should go there, right? Right.

Okay, so the main action I will focus on this week is thinking before speaking/reacting. And while I’ve been pretty good about trying to look nice, wear cute underwear, etc. I’m sure I could also find the energy to keep up on the house better and cook a bit more throughout the week. So that’s my secondary focus- a cleaner house when he gets home and dinner cooking more often than the past few weeks.

Wishing all of you submissive wives great submissive vibes and lots of energy. I wish that for myself as well! Sometimes submission is beautiful, sometimes it’s painful, and then sometimes it’s just not in the foreground like it should be at all. We’ll get it back eventually I’m sure. And the above is a good start. I’ll be back with an update on how it’s working. Until then have a great two weeks everyone :)

Sunday, August 5, 2018

I depend on me :)

Hello All. I’ll continue in my coffee-shop gossip style of post this week because I honestly don’t feel like blogging about anything submissive. Bruce is a great man and I am crazy about him, and we haven’t even had any disagreements or anything, I’m just feeling vaguely frustrated with a couple of things and just generally feeling very unsubmissive.

What do submissive wives do when we feel unsubmissive? We obviously have two options: #1, behave submissively anyway, or #2, act however we feel without considering our spouses at all. Of course nobody’s perfect, we all do the latter a bit from time to time, but it’s a different story when one deliberately opts for #2.

I’d love to say I’m just such a great wife that I usually attempt option #1 because it’s the right thing to do, but really its because I selfishly want this dynamic to work and it really falls apart with option #2. Take right now for example: if I chose to just do my own thing, not get nasty or anything but just focus on my own desires and blow him off a bit, well that makes the dynamic quite false. It’s more like “Oh we do this dominant and submissive thing when we feel like it,” which really sounds more like a game than anything else. But it’s not a game, it’s real. And treating it like a game hurts both of us. If I just give up and act unsubmissive then yeah, I’ll probably get punished plenty hard sometime in the next few days, and we’ll eventually get back on track, but the solidness of our relationship erodes a bit. The solidness of the dynamic erodes a bit, not to mention his trust in my desire to be a submissive wife.

I guess it’s kind of like the ultimate time to be submissive then! But I still say ugh. We all tell each other (and ourselves) that it’s important to do the right thing even when we don’t feel like it, but it’s just so damn hard to do sometimes right?! I’m tired. I have a lot on my mind right now. I have a lot of responsibilities weighing on me at the moment. I don’t feel like heeding the things he says or going out of my way to look nice for him, make the house nice for him, etc. I don’t feel like watching my tone and biting my tongue when something really doesn’t need to be said. BUT, I will work hard to do those things anyway. Because it’s right. Right?

Maybe I’ll ask for some hard-but-not-too-hard maintenance to help motivate me. Except that I’m still literally feeling my last maintenance session so that’s probably a stupid idea in a couple of different ways. And let’s be real, hard-but-not-too-hard maintenance is about as real as a unicorn around here! Ok, so no request for motivation. But I think I’ve got this, I can handle it on my own. I am an independent woman after all! Yeah. Throw your hands up at me if you support me in this, ha. I mean, always 50/50 in relationships right? Whoops, I think I got caught up in a [very retro] song that doesn’t wholly apply to my situation...

But in any case, I’ve GOT this.

I think.

Either way, I’ll report back next week and let you know how it went. Wish me luck, it is hard to do this! After all, Ladies it ain’t easy being independent ;)

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Sometimes DD is just really hot!

My typical blogging process is to try to summarize my past two weeks and consider what lessons or important moments I’ve experienced so that I can post with a theme of thought. But today I just want to share my thoughts without any planned deeper meaning or cohesiveness. So take it or leave it, I’m going to treat this post like I’m having coffee with a close friend who understands and cares about our use of DD. Who knows, maybe my ramblings will organize themselves around something specific that I can use to title this post!

First of all, man is this lifestyle lonely! I’m not comfortable sharing with anyone in my regular life, and people already in the lifestyle understandably have their own lives and dynamics to focus on. Add in the fact that everyone practices DD in different ways and intensities, and it’s just not ideal to share everything that’s on your mind, ever. But sometimes I want to do just that!

We went on a family trip this past week (SO stressful with babies), and we had two nights of total privacy, even more than we have at home (and we have a fair amount of privacy regularly once the kids are in bed). Bruce told me to pack the strap, which to my memory is the first time I have ever been allowed to pack anything other than the lexan paddle! He told me ahead of time that I would be getting some serious maintenance, so I knew it was coming. We’re definitely getting back in the swing of DD since pregnancies, but spanking and keeping up on our roles have taken such a hit that I think it will be a while before we get back to where we were pre-babies. Anyway, serious maintenance used to involve more intensity and more submission, which led to more intense feelings and connections. He still spanks plenty hard now, but I’m just never really sure what to expect since we both know I can’t handle a fraction of what I used to.

The first night he gave me a long, hard warm-up with his hand. I almost love getting these relatively brief hand spankings from him- they are intimate and definitely plenty intense, but never over the top. To be honest they just turn me on a lot! But this actually kind of sucks because these types of spankings are generally followed by a really harsh spanking with an unbearable implement, or a continued hand spanking that becomes unbearably long. He knows I’m a spanko, ha, and he’s been clear from the beginning that my spankings need to hurt a lot or they won’t be very effective at anything other than foreplay. He’s right; the punishments are horrible and I hate everything about them... and hard maintenance is sobering and effectively makes me feel like I am most certainly not in control (to me this is the most beautiful feeling that DD offers, it is scary and awful in the moment, but freeing and profoundly intimate in retrospect. It clears my head and gives me perspective and emotional stability like no other worldly thing).

Anyway, the warm up was followed by forty strikes with the strap. He has never used the strap that much before! One thing I have to say for lexan, it delivers a horrible surface sting (one that has aptly been compared to scalding!), but it never leaves any deep bruising. Even after a really intense paddling I usually have a skin rash of sorts, but any tenderness that lingers is not pronounced or deep enough to leave visible bruises. This is not so with the strap! In the morning I was plenty sore. Every time I sat down or pressed against something I was reminded of his expression of dominance over me, and honestly I loved it. While lingering soreness from a punishment spanking can bring mixed emotions, lingering soreness from maintenance makes me feel loved, dominated, and cared for. Especially since, for us, maintenance almost always ends in intimacy.

That following night brought a pleasant but real discussion about how I am still somewhat off the mark submissively. Bruce does not blame me for this, he owns that he has been less committed to leading as well, in fact he has blamed himself a few times, citing the fact that he knows how to fix it and yet hasn’t done it as much as he could have when times were especially stressful. Of course we are really each responsible for ourselves, but I love that he recognizes how powerful DD can be when we are diligent about everything.

At the end of our rejuvenating and romantic evening it was time for round two. This time the warm-up was pretty hard to take as I was already very sore, and when he started in with the strap I struggled badly. I had trouble staying quiet throughout, but eventually I did manage to keep mostly still. It seemed to last forever, and after twenty or so I was definitely crying. After a grueling total of sixty strikes he was done, and despite the (considerable)  pain I was so ready when he initiated intimacy. I felt dominated and loved, alive and attractive. I just felt so connected to the man next to me. I remember thinking how crazy this scenario would be to any “normal” couple, but I also distinctly remember thinking that I did not care. I know this thing we do is strange, but it makes sense to us and we are careful to use it in a way that brings us closer to the husband and wife that we want to be. I am so thankful for that!

I woke feeling more sore than I have since our kids were born, and I certainly felt it for the next several days. In fact Bruce has made sure to nurse the soreness with a few spankings here and there, and I am still uncomfortable when I sit down almost a week later! But I’m glowing over our renewed DD efforts, and the reminder of how freaking hot this all can be.

And so, as our coffee date comes to a close, let me share a few summative thoughts. I love this dynamic we share. I love the serious times that I really hate, but that sharpen me to be a better wife and a better person. I love the discussions it brings about between the two of us, and the wordless closeness it brings. I love the scandalous sexiness of the physicality of it all. Even in the serious and challenging times I just want to shout from the roof tops that me submitting and him leading simply makes sense! And then I want to tell all of my girlfriends that married “kink” isn’t necessarily horrible if you use your brain and if the basis of it comes from a sincere place... and wow can it make for a crazy hot sex life! Lol ok I can just imagine someone quoting the above to underline the warped perspective of people like us. But I know that many people out there, those who aren’t focused so hard on squeezing their ears closed, many of them can catch a glimmer of sense, of rightness in this crazy thing. Okay okay, maybe the spanking part is truly crazy. But men do want to lead, and women do want to submit, not coweringly but strongly and beautifully. And monogamous married sex is the hottest sex imaginable! There is no possible way that two people who aren’t committed for the long haul can understand each other this fully or connect this deeply! It’s amazing. It is worth celebrating.

But as I toss my coffee cup and head back on the road I know that this celebration isn’t one that I can share with most people I meet, particularly in today’s American society. So I go about my daily life as if my home life is just as routine as the next guy’s. I tolerate the snickers of teenagers who think they have a clue what hot sex looks like. I smile politely when people say that Bruce and I seem so happy in love. I guess I could stop them and explain that our secret is that he spanks the heck out of me whenever he wants to. In fact sometimes I want to! But a polite smile is just a lot less complicated isn’t it?