Sunday, June 10, 2018

Spanking is Nice, but here’s the Real Key to a Happy Marriage

I literally have the answer, I’m not kidding. And no it’s not necessarily spanking :) That can add a lot of very nice things, but that’s not what I’m talking about. But I do think that this lifestyle brushes against the “answer,” so I feel it makes sense to discuss this on my blog.

Are you ready? Love and respect. There’s a whole book on it, and here’s the premise: a man’s love language is respect. Once you think about it this way, this truth is painfully obvious everywhere you turn. Men make so much more sense this way, ha! But here’s the application of this concept in marriage: when a man feels respected by his wife he naturally responds lovingly, and when his wife feels loved she naturally responds respectfully. Inversely of course, when he feels disrespected he withdraws, and his wife feels unloved, which leads her to behave disrespectfully, ad nauseum. This concept changed my life. It’s been a while since I read the book, but I recently went back through it and I’m thinking I really have to share this idea with as many people as I can.

I’m not a big reader, but the book elaborating on this phenomenon is something I cannot recommend more strongly. It’s called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, and no matter how happy your marriage may be, I am confident that the truth laid out in this book will make it better. NonChristians can benefit from this concept as much as Christians can, but I should mention that it is a Christian book. The writer points out that the primary Bible verse on marriage is “Husbands love your wives; wives respect your husbands.” (Ephesians 5). This wasn’t some sexist command, it was a literal description of how to function so both parties can meet the needs of the other! Of course, as a totally messed up society we have just completely ignored the second part of that simple directive, assuming that no, respect must always be earned. And maybe in other cases it should. But the suggestion here is that we respect our husbands because they are our husbands, period. This was actually the most freeing part of this concept for me; before, I always felt that my desire to help my husband follow his moral compass conflicted with my desire to simply make him happy, but now I see that they actually go hand in hand. It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict him, and it is my job to step back and let Him. No internal debate about how to react anymore- I know the answer is always to show respect above all else, and that’s that. Unless of course he is explicitly leading us against scripture... but if we’re honest with ourselves, questioning his purity of heart is not at all explicit, and thus not a justification to withhold respect. In any case, I urge everyone to consider this concept. And please read the book on it rather than only my not-so-eloquent summation of the idea. 

Whew, it’s hard not to internally cringe when connecting Christianity to a spanking blog... to me they can work hand in hand, but I certainly realize that spanking in a romantic relationship is largely kink. After praying and meeting with a conservative Lutheran Pastor about adopting this lifestyle (yep I really did that; see my post titled as much!), I feel very confident that DD is no different than many other harmless things that can be an aid to faith if used correctly and a detriment if not. I know I say this type of thing a lot throughout my blog, but it’s important to me that I don’t dishonor my God by connecting Him too explicitly or forcefully to this lifestyle. 

SO, to tie it all together, I really believe that this is why spanking can work- it addresses a man’s need to feel respect and a woman’s need to feel loved. And it’s hot, ha. Seriously though, think about it. I mean, the respect thing not the spanking thing. Or hey, why not think about both ;)


Sunday, May 13, 2018

Pain

Let's talk pain. After all, that's a big part of this lifestyle. Why does it bring us closer and help us connect? I guess in a sense it's comparable to watching scary movies with your significant other; that feeling of danger and excitement. It fulfills a need to care for or be cared for by the other. So do we like the fear in scary movies, or just the closeness that it causes? Either way, it’s not a perfect analogy because the thrill or shock of a scare isn't altogether unpleasant, while pain is just purely awful. Masochists supposedly like pain, but I'm not really sure what that means: there are people that like a bad feeling? Are their receptors wired differently or something? Either the definition is inaccurate or I am most positively not a masochist. I hate pain. I admit that the dominance and submission expressed by the pain is a turn on, but the pain itself is quite literally a turn off. I lose any semblance of eroticism when I am trying to process or even tolerate physical pain.

It should go without saying that a D/s or DD relationship is about way more than pain. But is it necessary for the physical aspect of the power exchange? I think we all feel better about ourselves if we say it isn't about the pain, but I believe the physicality is often critically connected to pain. Granted, sometimes it’s completely unrelated: for instance, when I rub Bruce’s feet or he holds me tight. Or occasionally he’s had me bend over or lay over his lap with no intention of actually spanking me. But during the other times I think it is necessary, although it is not the central objective: when Bruce spanks me to reaffirm our roles, or even as a punishment, he intends to express dominance and I intend to express submission to the point of physical pain. So while this exchange is the focus, the pain literally indicates the extent of his control and my submission. Maybe we’re messed up to see it this way, but that level of dominance and submission is incredibly sexy to us, and it creates an added connection that we love. To us it is profound to give to each other in that way.

But then there’s the distracting issue of the actual pain, which as I’ve said is unavoidably a turnoff. Several days ago Bruce told me it was high time we get back to basics (and he was right, I’ve been way less submissive than we’d both prefer). So mid-discussion he stopped everything and made me go downstairs and bend over the bed. Out came the lexan paddle, and even through my yoga pants and underwear the pain was just way too much for me to take this time. I’m not sure why, perhaps because I was emotionally fired up already, or maybe because I was starting to get sick (for the past week or so I’ve been really horribly, epically sick). Whatever the reason, I just could not take it. I begged and cried and told him I thought something might be wrong with me.  He said “Yes, there is something wrong with you. You haven’t been spanked near as much as you should be lately.” Despite my discomfort I could tell he hadn’t been spanking me especially hard to begin with, but even still he did lighten up a bit in reaction to my panicking. He didn’t stop the spanking though. In fact he removed my pants and underwear after a few more strikes, and continued without slowing. I panted and bit my lip and just couldn’t think of anything other than how to get through the next few moments. I took it worse than I have in quite a long time, squirming and protesting desperately. By the time he was finished I was a sobbing mess, and he held me tight while I cried. He told me I was fine, and helped me calm down. He told me he loved me, and that I really couldn’t treat him the way I had been treating him recently. I agreed, and after a few minutes we got up and went back about our day. But whew it stuck with me that my pain tolerance is way, way down.

So the pain is a very real and very unpleasant part of our dynamic. But if the pain assists in maintaining our roles and giving us another way to connect, how bad is it? I was seriously maxed out during the above spanking, I cannot remember another time where I felt I just couldn’t take anymore to that extent. But you know what? I could take more and I did. It was supremely unpleasant and unnerving, but nothing of any lasting consequence actually happened. I didn’t faint or get sick in any way. I’m not emotionally scarred. A day or so later even my backside was completely back to normal. So maybe it’s not all as barbaric as it seems. The value of the dynamic is the give and take; in part the added effort and responsibility is Bruce’s give, and in part the pain is mine. Bruce says we’re getting back into it more now, and I will be experiencing soreness far more. Okay, more pain, but more submission, more dominance, and more restored roles. We’ve both agreed we’re ready for some of that. So I’ll take the good with the bad, because no matter how bad the “bad” is, I know by now that the good is so very worth it :)

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Only Human

Hey all. I've had the Christina Perry song "Human" bouncing around in my head for the past week or so, I think partly because the shortcomings of humanity and my own shortcomings are just all too evident when I pause to notice them.

Bruce and I are so ready for things to normalize into a still busy but more manageable lifestyle. We have less than a month to go, and things should calm down considerably! He and I were talking again last night about how we just simply neglect each other more than we should while we are spread so thin. We eventually drifted into discussing DD, and he was saying how he'd like to be doing maintenance at least once a week again if not more. I hope we can get back to that again too! Our roles are present and active whether or not he spanks me, but having that physical act of dominance and submission is so helpful to both of us in reminding us of how we want to be serving the other person.

For the past few weeks I've been rubbing Bruce's feet every other night or so, after the babies are in bed, and that's been a nice physical act as well. Then on Wednesday I got a good hard spanking that I felt for a few days and that was good. Well at least once it was over it was good, ha. As I've mentioned Bruce spanks very hard, so even though he's been much easier on me postpartum than he was pre-babies, it is always hard to take. It started out with the usual mental processes; it always seems uncomfortable but really hot for like the first three strikes, and then it's just really uncomfortable! He and I both know that our DD works best with more intensity than what may be typical, but I won't deny that I often envy the women that share about a spanking that stings but isn't too bad overall. I only get spankings like that when it's a purely sexy spanking. In some ways these spankings can be similar to maintenance, but maintenance is much harder and includes verbal reminders of recent moments of not-so-submissive behavior as well as reiterations of who the boss is and why submission works. They are similar though in the sense that he is doing it to connect with me and remind me of the many ways that he takes care of me.

Anyway, on Wednesday he used the lexan paddle which is seriously the most miserable implement I can imagine, so things got heated very quickly. He spanked me until I was really crying, which strangely always indicates his care for me so deeply... he knows that I need the emotional release, he knows I need to feel helpless and surrendered, and he sexily knows how far to take me so that I reach that point. Most significantly he is willing to take the time to get me there, although I admit it really doesn't take much since being pregnant. I usually reach this point and feel an urge to express my submission to him, either by physical stillness or by some statement or other, but I feel spread so thin that I just didn't have the energy to think that far. Instead I just cried "I love you so much" into the pillow, and although he didn't stop the spanking he matched my simple sincerity as he said it right back to me. The simplicity of this was so sweet, and so frank in the midst of this weird and complicated thing that we do, and thinking back on it now I value that memory so much. It's one of the memories I'll store away and return to when I'm feeling emotional or unsettled. Because no matter how much clarity we achieve, we somehow always lose sight of the bigger picture again eventually.

Ha, I'm still thinking of that song. The end of the chorus says "You build me up and then I fall apart, 'cause I'm only human..." Yep, shortcomings abound. But we've never really stopped working at it, and we love each other so much that we'd get back on track even if we had.

So here's to a few more crazy weeks. One of the things I love about DD is how the strangeness and complexity of the whole thing prevents us from being anything close to pretentious... like we can't ignore our shortcomings or take ourselves too seriously when we're talking about a grown woman being regularly spanked by her lover! DD is certainly imperfect, but it is quite sincere. Just like Bruce and I and our marriage. And I have peace with that. After all, we're only human :)

Sunday, April 1, 2018

A Call to Submission

Submission works. It is unpopular in modern culture, and it is not the path of least resistants; it is mentally exhausting to remember to chose submission (especially today in America), and it is emotionally and physically exhausting to follow through with submission. But it is built into the design of marriage, fulfilling both the husband and the wife’s natural desires. When a husband feels respected he is fulfilled, and sooner or later comes toward his wife with gratitude and affection- when a wife feels closeness and affection she is fulfilled in return.

I know this, I’ve seen it firsthand numerous times, I believe it so strongly that I have a blog devoted to the subject, but I am often still too weak mentally, emotionally, and/or physically to make it happen as fully as it should. I mentioned working harder to be more submissive to Bruce these last few weeks. He isn’t ready to say that I’m being adequately submissive (and he’s right), but he commented that he can tell I’ve been trying harder at it, and that this has been nice. Slight as this may be, it makes me feel so good to hear him say that. I’ve fallen so far since our having babies, life getting crazy, etc., but I believe I am at least moving back in the right direction. I know it can be problematic to quite scripture in part rather than in full, but I’d like to highlight some of the verses in Proverbs 31:10-31 that address a wife of noble character:

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...
She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day's work...
She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.
She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night...
She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy.
She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes...
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.
Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her...
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

I think these verses are so powerful, and at least in part aptly describe all of the brilliant and beautiful women I know. I have a long way to go to achieve many of these descriptors, but I need to keep these verses in mind always, to focus on being a wife of noble character. I will read these verses often this week, and work to emulate them throughout my days. I need to do this because the Bible is divinely wise, and being a wife who is strong but submissive fosters happiness in marriage like nothing else can. Happiness in marriage is one of the biggest blessings this life can offer, and I want this for Bruce. I want it for me too :)


Sunday, March 18, 2018

Devotion...

I daydream a lot about what our use of DD will look like once we aren’t spread so thin. Nothing makes having babies simple, but in a few months things will be changing for us for the better, workload wise, so I’m hanging in there!

We’re currently in a bit of a mini-marathon in regards to maintenance, so I have been sitting gingerly all week, something that isn’t as common for us lately. I’d like to brag about how my husband is so authoritative and attentive that he’s been taking me over his knee every single night, complete with a firm but loving lecture and mind blowing sex. As I mentioned in my opener, maybe added time and energy will allow for that. But in our lives right now a mini-marathon realistically looks like this:

Wednesday: Bruce asserts that the next several nights will be not so fun for me, and that some continued maintenance is needed. I received a serious hand spanking and a few really hard pinches.
Thursday: Bruce woke me from a deep sleep on the couch (he was working at home late and I don’t like to go to bed without him), took me downstairs and gave me a very painful spanking with the looped cane but this ended with really nice intimacy :)
Friday: We both fell asleep on the couch after sharing some wine. When we woke even Bruce was too exhausted to take me over his knee, so we just went downstairs and went to bed.
Saturday: Very uncomfortable paddle spanking followed by really nice intimacy.
Tonight: Bruce has mentioned that he’s not done with me yet, but it’s getting late and he is knee-deep in some serious paperwork, so I imagine I will fall asleep on the couch and he will wake me later and put me to bed, no spanking or intimacy involved.

Why am I sharing this? I just want to remind everyone including myself that the head of the house having perfect consistency, while mutually fulfilling and effective, is not always realistic; the important point is how much of a priority we make each other outside of the time and energy constraints that we cannot control. He’s ridiculously swamped in his career right now, but this was unavoidable and as I mentioned it is temporary. Our babies are so lovely and just so very exhausting, and sometimes there is precious little energy left at the end of the day. In fact depending on what simple household task needs done, there is often a very limited amount of time left too. But proportionally speaking Bruce devotes a significant amount of time and energy to physically connecting with me, and showing me his love via his time, attention, and authority.

I am so appreciative of this, and I want to look inward and be sure that I proportionally offer the same to him. I’ve been making a lot of effort to keep up my physical appearance in the evenings and weekends, and I’m trying harder to care for the kids without seeking help when he’s preoccupied, but I could do a lot better in a lot of areas... more back or foot rubs, ironing his shirts more consistently, responding to his requests more promptly, speaking more softly and respectfully... It won’t become perfectly consistent, I truly have virtually no time between completing tasks and sleeping each night, but I can get better and I want to do that for him.

And have I mentioned that Bruce always reads my posts a day or so after I post them? Well he does, so the pressure is indeed on. Bruce I love you so much, and I am so thankful for what you do for me and our relationship. Over the next few days and weeks I intend to display my love and my submission more effectively to you, even if only a little.

I have no doubt that he will be frank with me as to whether or not I have achieved this goal, so I’ll let you all know how it’s working out in my next post. If any other submissives are up for further showing their love and submission in some additional way the next few days and weeks please feel free to share via comment below or email. The more the merrier, right? I can do this, and so can you! Have a blessed week everyone :)

Monday, February 5, 2018

A Week in the Life

Life in a DD relationship is exhausting but generally fulfilling. When I first looked into this lifestyle I wondered about the frequency of spanking and/or submissive mess-ups long term. What would a regular week really look like for a couple that’s been doing it for a few years? Well, now that we’re three-plus years in I’m on the other end of that question, albeit amid an unusually hectic season of life. And to be honest some weeks DD is almost nonexistent, or at least extremely inconsistent- those are the weeks where we just simply aren’t making each other a priority. Not okay, but when life gets crazy there’s not much to do other than cut your losses and try to do better next time.

Some weeks we’re on top of it- I actually check myself before blurting out something that may be disrespectful or unsubmissive, and Bruce is present in an authoritatively loving way so that I can really feel how he loves and cares for me. Even in those weeks I admit I am serving him far less than I want to be, out of sheer exhaustion and busyness; he may ask me to make him coffee, scratch his back, or do some laundry, but I’m never just serving him of my own free will like I was before our babies came along. I don’t like it, but my mental and physical exhaustion usually wins out and I just don’t get around to it on my own. But eventually I’ll get there again.

Maintenance typically happens once a week or so, but I think we both agree that when time and energy is less limited, doing maintenance slightly more frequently makes both of us happier and more connected overall. It certainly helps me be more submissive. Punishments are about as frequent, sometimes impromptu and sometimes planned out (I dread the planned out ones and they usually hurt more, but impromptu spankings are really unsettling emotionally). I usually get punished for poor attitude or not properly adhering to something he has asked of me.

This week was a bit different, as I committed the later offense to an extreme degree. Bruce gave me advanced warning that I would be punished heartily if I didn’t take care of something requiring several time-sensitive steps throughout this week. I did well right up until the last step, and even though we both forgot he had been clear that this was my responsibility, so as promised I was punished thoroughly Wednesday night. And Thursday night. And Friday night! Wednesday was a long spanking with the lexan paddle and looped cane, but thankfully there was intimacy afterward. During the punishment he said something that really resonated. It was toward the end of the spanking, and in between strikes he simply said: “This is important to our sexual health, and you need to make it a priority.” All day Thursday his care for our sexual health stuck with me, so much that I even texted him thanking him for the punishment and for making me a priority. I assured him I would take the remaining punishment well, and I did that night when he gave me a brief spanking with the looped cane. No intimacy afterward, but it didn’t matter- it was very evident that he was doing this only because he cares about me and about us. Friday he gave me a particularly harsh spanking with the lexan paddle, but I took it well and our intimacy afterward was incredible.

So I’m a grown woman who gets spanked by her husband. Yeah I admit that’s definitely weird. It may even be a little messed up. But do you know what else it is? It’s a physical connection aligned with each of our desired roles in our marriage. It helps us adhere to those roles, it helps us stay connected emotionally, and it helps spice up our sex life! It sounds ridiculous to thank God for a somewhat kinky and definitely unusual practice, but I really do thank Him for having let us stumble into this weird thing that adds to our marriage. Maybe one day I’ll see that it’s something we shouldn’t be doing anymore, or maybe I’ll find an alternative that is more ideal. But maybe years from now I’ll still be thankful for how it aids in all of these things. And maybe years from now we’ll have it much more figured out and more perfected than we do now! Either way, for now I’m really happy with where we are in our marriage and in our DD journey, and for now that’s enough :)

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Why Size Matters

I don’t care what anyone says, size, or rather length, really does make all the difference. Of course, I’m talking about length of spanking here ;) Seriously though, nothing is worse than a spanking that is too light... except maybe a spanking that is too hard, ha. But in my opinion how long a spanking lasts has a far larger impact than level of harshness ever could.

A few nights ago Bruce and I discussed a specific and particularly awful habit of disrespect that I have fallen into recently. After discussing I apologized and he forgave me, but before getting in bed that night he had me undress and lay over his lap. I expected the lexan paddle, or worse a blend of the lexan and our other implements, but to my *initial* relief he never opened the implement drawer. Now in the past year or two Bruce has become a rockstar at hand spankings, so I didn’t think I was getting off easy, but I had assumed it would at least be better than a spanking with implements. And it might have been, except that it lasted so long.

I tried to keep track at first, but by forty strikes I realized that my mental energy would be needed elsewhere. What started out as uncomfortable soon became painful, and little by little that painfulness became absolutely unbearable. Since this happened gradually I was able to force myself to stay very still, but I also had to “take it” for much longer which required a good deal more resolve. When it was over I was surprised by how contrite and submissive I felt. What’s more, I felt overwhelmingly loved. And even though these feelings are always strong enough to catch me off guard, I really shouldn’t be surprised because I always feel this way after a long spanking. Here’s why:

Reason #1: a long spanking undeniably screams “I am totally serious about being in charge.” When Bruce keeps me over his knee for longer than I expect it shows me that his having authority in our relationship is a priority to him. It shows me that, even if he’s tired/busy/etc., he still feels that the point needs driven home thoroughly. Although this is a little intimidating it definitely helps me bring my submissiveness to the next level.

Reason #2: a long spanking also screams “YOU are a priority to me.” When Bruce uses his own time to physically get through to me it tells me that he is willing to fight for me/us, and that he thinks our roles/our relationship and my submissiveness/overall wellbeing is worth his time. When I get affirmation of being valuable to him I work harder to serve him out of deep gratitude and love.

Reason #3: I have time to truly get in the right mindset. For one thing a long spanking gradually becomes unbearable, so I have ample opportunity to brace myself and be still, remember why I deserve it, etc. And for another thing once the spanking becomes unbearable it is unbearable for far longer. This makes the fact that I am not in control sink in very thoroughly! This part seems to last forever and I admit this part is more awful than the harshest spanking. But regardless of this, reaching such a mental state is really pivotal to the entire submissive process.

Reason #4: The discomfort of a long spanking lasts. At least with us, my discomfort the next day has a direct correlation to how long the spanking lasted. I’ve had horrible spankings with all three of our implements that left me reeling, but unless they are long I wake in the morning with nearly no residual effect. The morning after my recent hand spanking however, I was plenty tender. This serves as a reminder all day that my man is the boss, and I’d better treat him as such!

I’ve mentioned we’re in a uniquely crazy time right now with Bruce’s career and having two babies under two, so to be honest these long spankings aren’t happening all of the time lately. But when life was more manageable these were the norm, and I trust that when we have more time and energy they will be again. For now the occasional reminder of the way these work will have to be enough, and of course our commitment to each other and to our roles still shines through in other aspects of DD and just in our marriage in general.






Nonetheless, length of spanking is so huge that it is definitely worthy of having its own blog post. So there you have it- length really does matter :)