Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Christmas Spirit

Aah, Christmas. I love it so much. Usually I am in the Christmas spirit easily, but not this year. Our home is all torn up with renovations for the baby, and on top of that I am sick. Sick while pregnant, mind you. My stomach is now big enough that I am starting to feel uncomfortable in my daily life, and this is exacerbated by my knowing that over the next few months this discomfort will only get worse!

So for the past week or so I've sort of been wearily struggling through rather than stopping to enjoy this special time. The low point was two nights ago when I was grumbling about a present that is proving to be difficult to prepare... I was raising my voice, swearing, and so frustrated I was near tears. Bruce calmly rubbed my back as I grumbled; he has been a tremendous support to me as I whine about the discomforts of pregnancy and become increasingly overwhelmed at all that needs done before May. Eventually I calmed down somewhat and he told me it was time for bed. I brushed my teeth, talked to him about all that I needed to get done the next day, and prepared to climb over the cumbersome set up of pillows that prevents me from sleeping on my back.

In a suddenly different tone of voice he stopped me and told me to come to him, and when I looked up I saw him standing by the bed with that awful paddle in his hand. I wanted to slip through the floorboards and disappear so badly! I knew he would be gentle with me, as he has been throughout the whole pregnancy, but I just didn't want any added discomfort at all, and I definitely didn't want to have to focus my mind on yet another thing that needed improving. I silently came around the bed and bent forward, but he made me remove my underwear as well. I grudgingly obeyed and waited in position while he talked to me about how everything was going to work itself out. He said that everything would get done, that he would continue to help me through it all, and that getting into a negative attitude was not going to help me or the baby at all. As expected the first strike was quite gentle, but the momentary sting combined with the act of submitting to something that I really really did not want to submit to broke something within me. All week I had been trying to cling to some semblance of control; control over my changing body, my disheveled house, and the ever dwindling time to enjoy the holidays. And here I was in an act that embodied my forfeiture of that control. I know that he was well aware of my aversion to being spanked in that moment, but he continued anyway. Gently, yes, but unwaveringly, and soon I was crying so hard. I felt myself letting go of all of the internal struggle, and felt a sort of peace as I began to accept that I cannot force control over all of the things that are happening right now... rather than fight against them, I should embrace the changes and accept them fully.

I literally demonstrated this acceptance as he finished the spanking, and I continued to cry as he initiated intimacy. Oh it felt so wonderful to let go of the struggle and just take in the moment and his authoritative love! I felt so cared for and so protected, as light as if a weight had been removed. Afterward I melted into his arms and actually thanked him for the spanking. I told him I would try to be less controlling and more accepting during this time, and as I settled in to sleep I was struck by how God requests this of us all of the time. He is always in control, and He is always protecting us, but He needs us to stop struggling and embrace the things that are in front of us with acceptance and peace. During the holidays Bruce and I often fall asleep to soft piano renditions of Christmas tunes, and sure enough O Holy Night was playing in the background at that moment... a thrill of hope. The weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn...


I ran those words deliberately through my mind, and let profundity of the sentence settle in... I don't need to be weary. I need to rejoice at the promise He's given us. And this is the time of year that we celebrate the beauty and magnitude of that promise. Just like that, the Christmas spirit was alive and well within me. What a gracious God, to use our flawed human fumblings to lead us to experience the peace and beauty that He offers! That alone is cause for celebration, and I will celebrate this season. Not with frantic plans and to-do lists, but with acceptance and joy.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

I have an announcement...

Okay, so here it is: Bruce and I are expecting a baby girl in May! We were so fortunate to conceive within the second month of trying, and the timing couldn't be better with my job. We are so excited, and totally surprised that it's a girl, as boys seem to be a lot more common in both of our families. To be honest I always sort of expected to have a boy, and am only just now considering the reality of raising a girl. Have I mentioned how deeply that Bruce and I are in love? I am honored to have a baby that is half his, and now we get to share that love with her- this makes the whole process even more beautiful. I'm in the second trimester, and hearing her little heartbeat was truly life changing. Lots of big changes to come in our future!


This is a weird thing to share on a blog, particularly one related to domestic discipline, but in my hesitance to share I have neglected my blog more than I wish. As we have modified our practice of DD to some degree, I've recently been blogging about times that happened further in the past. This works fine, but when I don't have a relevant past event in mind I often simply don't blog at all, and I really don't like that.

A large part of my hesitation comes from the controversy among the DD community about spanking during pregnancy, as some fear that it may be unsafe. I wondered as much myself before conceiving, so I reached out for some answers: not only is Bruce a medical professional himself, but in the beginning of my pregnancy I flat out asked my gynecologist if spanking was okay, and he verified that it was... It was sort of a humorous conversation actually; when I asked him he hesitated momentarily, and then said "I'm sorry, what is it you're wondering about?" I had tried to ignore the awkwardness of repeating the question and said "spanking, you know, as in kink in the bedroom." (...I figured this was much simpler than saying something like "spanking, you know, like when my husband feels I am out of line...") Anyway, he actually chuckled, then said "yes, that's perfectly fine." He smirked a little and added "he's not hitting your stomach, is he?" I confirmed that he was not, and he reiterated that it was completely safe.

While we have modified our use of spanking since we found out, and intend to stop entirely once we reach a certain point in the pregnancy, I realize that some may feel that even this is unsafe. Even so I do ask that you please respect our choice and refrain from sharing any judgements you may feel. I trust the medical expertise of my gynecologist, as well as the medical expertise of my own husband. We feel very confident that what we are doing now has absolutely zero potential of being harmful to our developing baby girl.

During our downtime Bruce assures me that we will keep a running tally for any major offenses, and I don't doubt the validity of that one bit! So we've got a plan for the remainder of the pregnancy, but what about once May does arrive; how will a little one affect our practice of DD? Quite a bit, I imagine. But Bruce assures me that we are committed to this for the long haul, so a blip or two along the way is not really anything to worry about. I am nervous and excited to share this next chapter with my soul mate, and honestly I am relieved that we will have the tool of DD to use at this juncture, particularly because it has proven to be really useful at minimizing the ill-effects of stress... not that we'll be experiencing any of that in the next year or so...


Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Low Points

And then there's the times when DD leaves you confused and in tears rather than resolved and peaceful. One such time happened not too long ago: I arrived home late after a very long day, and before pulling into the garage I straightened up my makeup and replied to several texts. Soon Bruce appeared in the doorway, clearly frustrated at my being outside. I pulled in and came in the house, and was soon met with angry questions about what I had been doing in the driveway. I explained, but this only made things worse. He said it seemed sneaky, like I was hiding something from him. Although he knew this wasn't the case, he was angry that I had allowed this to happen again after repeated requests for me to stop.

Before I could unpack all of my things on the kitchen counter he emerged from the bedroom with the big lexan paddle in his hand. I whimpered a little, but stayed silent as he bent me forward and removed my pants and underwear. Each strike was so hard, and by the sixth and final strike I had definitely had enough. When he replaced the paddle and returned to the kitchen I could see that he was still angry, and then I started to cry. Please could he just forgive me, I was sorry to have stayed in the driveway... he said he did forgive me, but he couldn't help feeling frustrated that it had happened so many times already. He tried to help me calm down, and then asked me why I didn't just do those things in the house rather than sitting in the driveway. I felt that this was frustratingly obvious- once I walked in the door there was no time for things like that. I told him so, but he felt (rightly) that my tone was disrespectful and I ended up on the receiving end of the paddle once again. This time was even harder to take as I had just been spanked a few minutes ago, and I cried even more.

We had begun the evening out of sorts, him angry and me an emotional mess. Two spankings later nothing had changed, save for a heightened state of anger and emotion. Feeling so tired and vulnerable I just kept crying. Finally I asked him again if he could please forgive me, and he concernedly repeated that he had already done so. I unthinkingly said I felt that he hadn't (he hates when I suggest that he doesn't mean what he says) and he immediately barked out an order to go retrieve the paddle. I cried harder and begged him to change his mind, which only made him more upset. This time he made me bend over the coffee table; when he is really upset he always has me bend over the furniture rather than lay across his lap. Not only does bending further usually hurt more, but it feels far less personal to me, and I hate it. Afterward I was incredibly sore and exhausted, so I made up my mind to stay calm and quiet, no matter what. I did, and he again apologized. I apologized back, and resisted a serious urge to burst into tears again.

I knew that I truly needed to let it go, at least for the time being, but that didn't make it feel any better. Logically it made sense to calm down, but I didn't want to- I just wanted to keep crying. We sat on the couch together afterward and watched a show, but some part of me still felt oddly vulnerable. I nestled into his arm which helped a little, but the feeling of vulnerability definitely pervaded. Nonetheless, by this point we were essentially at a stalemate: I had nothing productive to say, and he was tired of discussing it anyway. Really, I don't think there would have been any more effective way to come back from it, save for dropping it as we did. Anyone else ever experience anything like this? I accept that times like these are part of the journey, but they are really still just really hard :(

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Through the Fog

Sometimes domestic discipline is a mess; not only does it take a lot of work, but when you're not in synch with your partner it can leave you will more questions than answers. But then sometimes it all just falls into place, and before you realize it you're left with a peace and clarity that is really indescribable. I'd like to share about one of those times.

I was horribly stressed with work. The kind of stress where you don't even care anymore, you just want to move far away from the whole thing. So we were getting ready for bed, and Bruce got under the covers and started messing with his iPad. I knew it was the stress talking, but I felt neglected and even snubbed by his quiet focus on whatever he was looking at. I sulkily dropped into bed and turned away from him, which I never do. He grabbed my hips and pulled me a good foot or so toward him Stifling a sigh he said "Alright. what is your problem?" First I thought for a moment about feeling neglected, then my thoughts shifted to work; the impossible tasks ahead of me, the unwillingness of those around me to help or even work with me, the long hours... I sort of muttered "I don't know," and suddenly I was blinking tears out of my eyes. I briefly elaborated on how stressed I was at work, and how I even unfairly felt neglected by his focus on the iPad. He reassured me by saying that everything would be okay, that eventually I would be able to find another job, and that he of course would rather pay attention to me than his iPad... finally he said "You know you will get through this right? You know I'm here for you." I did know, but it somehow didn't make me feel any less hopeless. He reiterated that this was the only thing that mattered, and I just stared at the comforter. He made me repeat that I knew it would be okay, and that he would help me through it, and at that point he decided that I was not getting it.

He got out of bed and I instantly tensed up. Sure enough, I heard the big lexan paddle slide out from behind the dresser. He quietly ordered me to roll over, and pushed a pillow under my hips. He slid my pants and underwear off, and slowly pressed the cold paddle onto my bare skin. He began describing the ways in which I was lacking perspective. Finally he lifted the paddle up off of my skin and I held my breath. The first two strikes were bearable, but by the third and fourth I couldn't help but cry out. After ten breathtaking strikes he again laid the paddle across my bare skin; this time it just made my backside feel hotter and more uncomfortable than it already was. He said I need to focus on the fact that we are in this together, and he picked up the paddle again. ...I need to think about what really matters... I need to remember that God is in control... things always work themselves out in the end... I had no right to have an attitude, no matter how stressed... Finally in desperation I cried "Please, no more!" He paused and leaned toward me: "...You don't think you deserve any more? Am I wrong about your lack of perspective?" I quickly acknowledged that I did deserve it, but that it just really hurt. By now I was willing to do anything to make it stop. He said something along the lines of doing whatever it takes to drive the point home, and continued spanking me as hard as ever. Although it hurt so badly I slowly found myself giving in. Finally I accepted that this was out of my control. Finally his words about perspective started sinking in. I began to cry a deep, cleansing cry, and after a while longer it was finally over. He wrapped his strong, safe arms around me as I cried. Eventually he initiated intimacy in that exact position, and it was incredible.

Afterward I settled into the crook of his arm, and he wrapped his arm around mine. I felt as if a mental and emotional fog had lifted, and I could finally see so clearly. Everything will turn out alright in the end... we have a love that sustains and endures beyond any trial that either of us can ever face... Overcome with clarity and peace, I found myself in tears again. I nestled into his arm even deeper and whispered "You fix everything. You clear away the clutter and bring it all back out into the light. Thank you." He pulled me tighter and kissed the top of my head. Being spanked well past my comfort zone forced me to fully submit on a physical level, which enabled me to truly submit mentally and emotionally. This total submission led me to process his authority and love, and the perfection of our marital roles; all other matters paled in comparison to this beautiful brilliance. Don't misunderstand me, we get it wrong a lot. But I hold these moments of clear, comforting simplicity so close to me, particularly when life is determined to be the opposite.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Merry-go-round

Once again, it feels good to return to my blog. If only life weren't so crazy lately...

This past week I found myself considering the curious impact my husband's authority has upon me. Always the impact is positive, but oftentimes this is in spite of my strongest efforts to fight it. I've become really familiar with a feeling that I can only describe as feeling emotionally weak; he makes a decision, I disagree with it, he doesn't care, and then the feeling of weakness sets in. I know that he is trying to be fair, I know that no matter how valid my points are my disagreement isn't significant enough to push the issue, and I know that doing so either already has or will result in a sore backside.

Of course, I have a great example. I called on my way home from work to make sure that Bruce had remembered to pick up three items I had forgotten at the grocery store. Without apology he informed me that he had only remembered two of the three items, and I calmly expressed my frustration at his unwillingness to make lists despite his consistent failure to pick up all he intends to pick up. He said it was not that big of a deal, and I strongly disagreed. After all, I was the one who took care of the majority of the groceries, I am the one making dinner every night, and I was the one working extra hours that week. I didn't get out of control, but I definitely raised my voice. He raised his voice in response, and I escalated even further. He finally said "We're done talking about this, and know that when you get home you are really going to get it." Oh I was so mad! He absolutely was being unfair! I had asked him to do one small thing and not only did he not do it, but he was angry that this bothered me. I took the rest of the ride to try to calm down. When I got home he was in the middle of an online assignment, but stopped long enough to come over and tell me that I didn't need to yell to get my way, and that I knew better than to use that kind of tone. He did apologize at that point (and had even righted the original wrong), and I fully calmed down and let it go. And thankfully he saw that I didn't deserve to be punished over something that was his fault in the first place!

Apparently I was wrong in that assumption. When he finished his assignment he stood up and said "Go ahead and get in the bedroom. Undress and bend over the bed." What?? Why?? I've asked this aloud enough times to know that it is definitely definitely in my best interest to articulate any confusion I may have at a later time. I grudgingly did as I was told, all the while firmly feeling that I had not been in the wrong. He came in and laid into me without hesitation. After several strikes he began lecturing, punctuating each statement with several strikes... It was not appropriate for me to raise my voice in the first place... I could have been more respectful in stating my concern... I didn't need to swear... I shouldn't have been using the phone without wearing my headset while driving anyway... by now I was extremely sore and crying out with every strike, but when it occurred to me that all of these points were actually valid, I began crying real tears. I wasn't being punished over the original issue at all, but rather how I had handled my frustration in response to it. I begged for mercy, and was denied. After several more breathtaking strikes, it finally stopped. As I caught my breath and tried to collect myself I was surprised to find that I didn't really care who was at fault for what. The bottom line was this: I had been disrespectful to him, and not only did he love me enough to own up to and correct the original issue, but he didn't roll his eyes, hold a grudge, become bitter, or decide that I wasn't worth the effort of addressing the issue. He took the time to share his concerns. He loved me enough to come towards me, even in the face of my disrespect. All thoughts of how harshly I should have been punished, who started it, and who was most to blame simply faded in light of this fact. We hugged, and as usual we were both calm and ready for a fresh start. I felt loved and cherished, and I appreciated the feeling so much that I desired to respond with a stronger expression of respect. Love and respect... his expression of love made me want to respond with an expression of respect, which makes him want to respond with an expression of love... Round and round we go... I may not always understand the ride, but I know that I never want to get off :)



Thursday, September 3, 2015

Sometimes Love Hurts!

So recently I was stressed, from like every possible angle. I knew it was coming; I even had the presence of mind to acknowledge it to Bruce and ask that he help me keep it together. Specifically I asked him to insist on my submissiveness, to not let me backslide. He said he was unwilling to fight with me over it, but outside of that he promised he would do what he could to help me.

Wow is he a man of his word. After an exceptionally stressful week my OCD was at it's worst on that Friday night. I ended up getting severely paddled before bed, and slept on my side all night. I went to sleep fairly peacefully, but in the morning I found myself arguing with Bruce before we even got out of bed. He asked me to stop, and the moment I neglected to do so he got out of bed, grabbed the paddle, and made me roll over right then and there. As usual I started to cry, and after a considerable start he began pausing between strikes, asking me to explain my behavior. Why did I feel upset so soon after waking? Why had I treated him like he was the enemy? Why had I decided to raise my voice? Having no good answers I merely responded with "I don't know" or "I shouldn't have," and even tried making no answer at all, but I got spanked even harder for that. I finally cried something along the lines of "Please don't make me answer- anything I say will just make you more upset!" He asked why that was, and I painfully acknowledged that I had neglected to think things through before starting the argument. I gingerly got dressed, and we went out for breakfast.

After breakfast he told me I needed to start the laundry and then take some time to do something relaxing. I felt vaguely frustrated, but kept my mouth closed and obeyed. A few hours later I rolled my eyes at a comment he made, and without hesitation he sent me back to the bedroom again. Afterward he hugged me and said that he would be expecting me to be respectful no matter how uncomfortable I was. Once I could think past the discomfort I found his increased insistence in this to be very loving; he knew that staying submissive through my stress was important to me, and he was willing to take the extra time and energy to help me achieve that. After dinner that evening we went for a walk, and I noticed that I was already starting to feel grumpy over starting the workweek again. Bruce noticed too, so when we got home I found myself across his lap getting paddled for the fourth time in twenty-four hours! By the end each strike literally took my breath away.

His increased bossiness continued Sunday morning. He was very insistent about my being ready on time, so I scrambled to get ready and got out the door when he told me to. On the way to Church I disagreed with him slightly abruptly, and he said "do you want to say that again?" I did appreciate his authoritative attitude, but I just felt so weak at having so little control that I stupidly said it again out of spite. I knew it wasn't worth it as soon as it came out of my mouth, and sure enough the moment we got home he steered me straight into the bedroom. The fact that this was my fifth correction in one weekend had no bearing on the severity of the spanking; it was as long and as hard as ever. Afterward it hurt to walk :'(

That night as we sat on the couch (me mostly on my side) I told him that all of his demands and expectations throughout the weekend had admittedly made me feel frustrated and weak, and that the spankings were so painful when they happened so close together. Still, I told him that I knew he had been so authoritative because he truly valued that it was important to me. I let him know that all of his extra energy in this had shown me how much he loves and cares for me. He held me tight and said "I do love you baby. And I am going to help you remember to be the woman that you say you want to be." I could have melted. Will our practice of DD remain this consistent in the thick of his additional workload or my compounded work stress? Probably not. But throughout this one particular weekend he clearly indicated that he is all in- he is willing to do what it takes to help me stay on track, even though that isn't his responsibility. I am determined to remember this when I am selfishly feeling neglected. He has shown me that he is extremely committed when possible, and this makes me want to work all the harder to be the submissive wife that he deserves <3

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Unconditional Consent

I cannot explain how crazy my life has gotten this past month. All the while I have been itching to blog though, and two nights ago I experienced something so blog-worthy that I had to make time. I was ready with dinner when Bruce walked in the door; I have been getting so good at this! But now that work is really picking up I can see that it will be a major struggle to keep at it. There is something about rushing home to make myself and the house look as appealing as possible before he gets there... it is almost freeing to offer this gift to him. And much to my surprise, I like dolling up, straightening the house, and setting the perfect ambiance. On days where I'm really on top of it I manage to be completely freshened up (cuter underwear, polished hair & makeup, perfume, etc.), have the house fully straightened, and the table set with candles, etc. It's like the more I do, particularly after working all day, the more he sees how much I love him. He is absolutely delighted every single time, and seeing that reaction from him makes all the effort so worth it.

But of course, those are the evenings when I'm really on top of it. Compared to life pre-DD he does generally come home to a more appealing home (and wife), but I rarely have everything just the way it should be; either I am running late and not prepared, or I am prepared but in a not-so-submissive funk. Or he is in a not-so-appreciative funk. Or both. Yep, the other night was a both kind of night. To make matters worse we had to discuss an issue that is really important to me, and I was really upset. I stated my case, and he agreed with me. He apologized for his portion of things, we talked about how it could be handled differently in the future, and that was it. At least that should have been it. Unthinkingly emotional, I continued to emphasize how hurt I was. He tried to calm me down repetitively, and finally said "Okay you're no longer trying to talk with me, now you're just bitching at me." Somewhere within me I knew his words were totally true, but I only cried harder. Having had enough he told me to go into the bedroom, but I was practically hysterical at this point. I begged, promised to stop, and begged some more; it wasn't that I was scared of being spanked, but it just felt like the last thing we should be doing in the midst of such an important issue. A little startled by my desperation, he didn't push the issue, but silently sat back down. As promised I said nothing, but I remember feeling so thwarted, like there was still so much more to discuss. I cried into my dinner, and continued to cry into the dishes as I cleaned up.

Once I finally calmed down, I could see things clearly again. Not only had he actually been very understanding, but I had hurt him through all that I had blurted out. Wow. He had been totally right to spank me in that moment, and not only had I not seen it but I had practically denied him the opportunity. What?? That is so the opposite of what this is all about! I trust him to use this responsibly, so... I trust him to use this responsibly. Total submission is my end of the agreement. Even if it had been unfair, we would have worked through all of that later and everything would have been fine. But it was fair. Not only was it fair, but he would have saved me from saying all of the nasty things that I ended up saying! I couldn't have felt more terrible. It was like I had ruined the whole system.

The next night I apologized again for fighting so hard against being spanked. I told him I knew that it wasn't my place to do that, and that I will try hard to never do that again in the future. He agreed that it wasn't my place, and admitted that he was a little thrown by my desperate insistence. He acknowledged that he should have spanked me anyway, and when I reiterated that I was the one messing things up, he said "You would have submitted if I would have insisted. You and I both know that." In saying this he was reassuring me, and holding himself to a high level of accountability all at once. Even though this should have made me feel lousier, I was touched. I asked him to forgive me and he said "I do. I'm over it. But you're clearly not." He was right.

Before bed he initiated intimacy. But before we could really get into it he suddenly stopped and got the paddle. I got into position, and he gave me a brief but hard spanking. After intimacy we held each other, and he drifted off to sleep. In reflecting, it was obvious that he had spanked me in order to make me feel better... and it had worked! Hmm. So throughout the course of the evening we had argued, I had crossed a line, he tried to stop me, and I fought him on that. He relented, I felt guilty, and he not only forgave me but accepted part of the blame in neglecting to use DD to it's full capacity. In other words I messed up, he was gracious. I messed up again, and he was gracious again. And then he was kind enough to try to assuage my guilt so that I could fully enjoy our being intimate together. Throughout the evening he could not possibly have shown any more empathy and understanding, and I could not have shown any more selfishness. What a man! As I began to drift off to sleep myself, I was struck anew by how inappropriate it had been for me to make my submission conditional. In there even such a thing? I resolved in that moment to submit unconditionally, regardless of the circumstance. I had agreed to do as much in the first place, and over and over he has shown me that he is worthy of even more than that. I know I'll mess up and do stupid things again. But no matter what happens, I absolutely must give him the gift of submitting, no matter how hard it may seem in the moment. Not only is it possible for me to do this, but it is necessary!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Confusion vs. Clarity

Whew, lot’s going on here; I will try to be concise. Recently we went out of town, and the lexan paddle that I dutifully packed in the lid of the suitcase somehow didn’t make it home with us. There was no need to use it on the trip, so my best guess is that it fell out in the hotel when we were packing up. As bringing it along on trips is entirely my responsibility, I realized I would probably be in trouble for its disappearance. When I told Bruce what had happened he said I would have to order another one. Since this expense could have been avoided he said I was to give him the receipt when it arrived, and I would receive two strikes per dollar spent; this would simultaneously serve as a punishment for wasting money, and an emphatic reminder of why we own such implements in the first place. I set out to reorder what we had lost, but it was no longer available. Again I told Bruce, and he said I would have to find another one that was comparable or “better.” Not only were all of the remaining selections “better,” but the most preferable options were out of stock. In the end I had no choice but to order a thicker, wider, and much longer version of a paddle that was already very difficult for me to take :(

Since the sum of the receipt left me with a more than substantial tab, Bruce reassured me that we would split the punishment into two different sittings. Not knowing what to expect, I had a pretty rough time of it on the first night. I basically fell apart immediately; I did manage to basically hold still, but I begged and cried worse than ever, and truly lost all composure. In the aftermath Bruce held me, but I felt strangely sad about the way I had reacted. He realized I had been overwhelmed by the change in severity and wasn’t disappointed or frustrated, but it didn’t matter… in losing composure I had failed to give him the gift of my submission, defeating the purpose of being spanked in the first place.

So last night I received the second half of the punishment/reminder. All day I focused on my resolve to be as still and compliant as possible… given my initial reaction to the increased intensity, I wanted to show my submission through my stillness and quiet. While I got into position I told him that I love him, and he put his arm around my waist and said “Baby I love you too; that’s why we’re doing this.” When the warm-up ended I braced myself… as expected, even the first strike was breathtaking. As the spanking continued I fought hard to hold still, and in an effort to stay quiet I repeatedly held my breath. When it was all over he hugged me, and I was delighted to note that he was touched by my changed response. But had I truly submitted? We made love and settled into bed, but instead of drifting off to sleep, my mind whirled. I reached for my iPad on the nightstand, and sought clarity from Webster’s Dictionary. Two definitions provided food for thought:
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Hmm. In light of these definitions, my first thought was that true submission and surrender requires complete, continual acceptance, both physically and emotionally. And yet something about this line of thinking felt fuzzy. In struggling to process, I articulated this to Bruce. Interestingly, he only agreed in part: yes, to achieve total acceptance is beautiful on occasion, “But part of this whole idea is that for me to be in control you choose to accept my control in spite of the way you feel. It wouldn’t be real submission if you already felt like giving in.” Okay, yeah, that was a really valid point... I’m finding that the more familiar I get with the concept of submission, the more complex it becomes! But for all of its confusion and frustration it has brought even more freedom and reconciliation. Upsetting? Yeah. But worth it? Definitely.


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Argument ending in... Simplicity

Two nights ago we had a huge fight that escalated into a yelling match. This used to happen two or three times a month, but since starting DD back in January it has thankfully only happened twice. I would venture to say that if we were always cognizant of the tool of domestic discipline it would never happen. A major factor in these yelling matches is… me. I get emotional, I feel I’m being misunderstood, and I escalate the intensity of the situation way too high way too soon. The other night was no exception; I am embarrassed to even think back to all of the stupid things I said, or rather yelled.

Bruce tried to diffuse the situation, but to no avail. In total frustration he finally got up, grabbed the paddle, and demanded I get into position. I almost immediately started sobbing, but I knew he was right to force me to stop. When he spoke again I could tell he had checked his anger; he quietly reiterated that I have to stop when he says it’s time to stop. I still strongly felt that we needed to discuss further, but at that point I knew that trying to do so would be unwise. Instead I continued to cry as I wordlessly got into position. Bruce has stated before that I sometimes do not “deserve” a warm-up, and this was clearly one of those times. Oh, it hurt so badly! It felt like he was paddling me much harder than usual, but it somehow hurts more when I know he is upset, so maybe that was why it felt so harsh. There is something about the vulnerability of lying there bare, submitting to correction from the man I love, that penetrates so deeply into my psyche every single time... Suddenly the issues of our fight seemed very far away... The pain of every strike was extremely hard to take, but I am proud to say that -with the exception of lifting my head twice- I didn’t squirm around at all. Through my tears I begged for mercy and pleadingly apologized. Desperate for relief I tried to articulate why I was sorry, and it was then that I realized that I did feel truly sorry! We had both been unfair and had misunderstood each other, but I had been the one taking things too far. We have agreed before that I need to stop when he tells me to, and I had become so emotional that I had neglected to honor that agreement.

When he had first told me to get into position I felt so conflicted and angry with him. But when the spanking was over I felt sincerely sorry, and longed to be close to him. The logic behind this is hard to grasp; he was faced with a stubborn wife who became relentlessly malicious and refused to understand, and instead of demonstrating patience he demanded I submit to a severe spanking… and incredibly enough, doing so immediately brought contrition and softness. Why does this work so well? I believe it is because administering/submitting to a spanking returns us to the essence of our true natures: I desire to submit, he desires to lead, and we are forced to remember that when we go through these physical actions. Bruce has said before that it works not because it is complicated, but because it is simple. He said that when we do this “We both know exactly what it means, and we both know exactly why we are doing it- period.” Yeah, I guess that is pretty simple.

…Have I mentioned that I adore that man? :)

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Thin Ice

The pivotal moments in this lifestyle are dead serious. To truly commit to living this way both partners have to put all selfishness aside and get serious. But there are also lighter moments sprinkled in, and these moments are just as important in acclimating to this crazy dynamic. It occurred to me that all of my blog-worthy moments thus far have been serious, so I figured it was time to blog about a lighter one…

My husband has a crazy job. It’s physically and emotionally draining on a good day, and last Saturday was not a good day. He came home, we ate dinner, and eventually found ourselves laying on the bed talking. I could see that he was tired, and I knew he just wanted to wind down and go to sleep, but I had been home all day and I wasn’t tired; actually, the prospect of settling into bed seemed unbearably boring. I wasn’t ready to wind down!

So in order to get more out of the evening, I started acting playfully. He reciprocated a little at first, but the poor man was so tired! I relentlessly continued, and finally it was clear that he was definitely irritated. And it was then that I found myself in a very familiar place: so often Bruce makes it clear that I am on thin ice, and nearly every time I have this frozen moment where I am tempted to surge ahead anyway… I am proud to say that I usually resist this urge, but on this particular evening I decided to see how much the ice would hold before breaking. I made a *truly funny* joke at his expense, and he made no response. At least no verbal response; his expression plainly asked: “you’re really doing this right now?” If I’m honest with myself I did know at that point that it was time to reign it in. But mindlessly I followed the temptation to push; I smirked and said something to the effect of my being funny even if he was too grouchy to admit it.


Obviously, this was stupid. I knew it was stupid before it even came out of my mouth! In one move he leaned forward and wrapped his left arm around my waist, lifting my hips into the air. I wiggled as he started spanking me with his free hand. At first I was halfway giggling, but in the past few months he has found a way to spank really hard with just his hand; after a while it really started to hurt. Eventually I actually pleaded with him to stop, but instead of stopping he pulled my underwear down and continued. Completely sobered by discomfort, I finally kept my mouth shut and just took it. When he was finished he pulled me up and asked me how funny that was. I felt silly looking at him… “It wasn’t. I’m sorry.” He put his arms around me and told me how I need to respect his need for quiet relaxation when he's had a rough day. And having finally tested the ice, I felt confident that I could resist the urge in the future.

And then I heard him snicker slightly. I pulled back to see him grinning and shaking his head, and I giggled in response. We hugged again, still laughing, and then he kissed me on the head. After a moment he said: "Okay, yeah... it was a little funny." And on that note we flipped off the lights, snuggled into bed, and drifted off to sleep.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Tough Love

Lately I feel like I have been writing a How-To manual on how NOT to practice DD. It is worth noting, however, that even in the midst of all of our blunders our relationship is in better harmony than it ever was pre-DD. Still, when everything actually does work as it should… wow, does it blow your mind!

Not unlike most other women, I’ve found that my desire to be intimate has increased, or more accurately skyrocketed, since introducing this dynamic into our marriage. And we had a pretty healthy sex-life to begin with! Admittedly there is a certain appeal to being physically dominated, but the biggest appeal comes from watching my soul mate become more confident and authoritative in everyday life… it makes the man incredibly sexy. Anyway, since I am desiring intimacy so frequently I have decided to back off and let Bruce initiate more often, simply to remind myself that the desire is not one-sided.

Last night as we neared the end of the show we were watching I found myself yet again wishing for intimacy. The show ended, and Bruce looked at me and asked what I wanted to do. I lied and said I didn’t care, and that I wanted to do whatever he wanted to do. After hesitating a moment, he decided we would finish a documentary we had started earlier in the week. I felt so hurt. How did he not want the same thing I wanted right now? I stared frozenly toward the screen, trying to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. At one point he asked me if I was ok; without turning to him I said of course, hoping he wouldn’t look too closely at my face (he can always tell when I am tearful). To my surprise he looked away and we continued the documentary.

After it was over I quietly got up and started getting ready for bed, but when I came back into the bedroom I froze: there he sat with that stupid paddle in his hand. I said nothing, and he politely asked me to get undressed. As I did so he told me how inappropriate it was to lie about how I was feeling, and then have the nerve to become passive aggressive when he decided to take me at my word. Ok, he was right; I knew that was fair. As he pulled me across his lap and gave me a warm up, he continued; “it is ridiculous to get upset because I didn’t feel exactly the way you did at the exact same moment.” Again, he was right. I felt him move for the paddle and I tucked my arms under my chest and held my breath… there is no such thing as a moderate paddling in our house; he has stated more than once that if an offense is significant enough to warrant the paddle, it is significant enough that it needs to be a hard spanking. I have begged him to ease me into the intensity of it all, if nothing else so that I can better brace myself to hold still, and this time he did exactly that… "We’re different people and we’re not going to feel identically all of the time. This isn’t a big deal- you’ve got to learn to get over it.” As the strikes increased in intensity I fought hard to hold still; I knew he was being fair and I wanted to physically show my submission through my stillness. Although I eventually couldn’t help but squirm a little, in the end I was more still than ever before. It was a harsh spanking, but I swear it hurts even more when he is clear on how and why I’ve disappointed him.

After it was over I was considerably uncomfortable, but nonetheless relieved to find that he did want to be intimate after all. The lovemaking was incredible, and even though it intensified the pain I didn’t care; I felt so loved and cared for. I had let my emotions dictate my behavior, and he hated that. But instead of abandoning me in frustration, he addressed the issue... he was upset with me, but he cherished me even more. And so I didn’t stubbornly wallow in my emotional rut, but recognized and owned my mistake. He held me as we drifted off to sleep, and I felt such an incredible comfort in his strong arms. This is what it feels like when he is effectively leading and I am effectively submitting, and what a feeling it is! We’re not perfect, and one or both of us will be flawed or even ineffective at our roles again. But even if it doesn't happen every time, experiencing the fulfillment of following through exactly as intended is indescribably reassuring. Again, domestic discipline is merely a man-made (and likely flawed) model for the roles that God created for man and wife. Still, I am thankful for anything that brings us one step closer to that perfect design. Submission… leadership… blissful harmony.




Tuesday, June 2, 2015

JOY

The secrecy of this lifestyle is overwhelming, and yet it brings with it a very distinct subculture: Domestic Discipline forums, chatrooms, countless personal blogs… It is certainly an interesting world to navigate. And generally speaking, it is a beautiful thing! Not only can like-minded people connect with one another, but inexperienced couples can learn so much from the wealth of information that others are freely sharing. Not to mention the incredible friendships that are created; I can’t even begin to describe how connecting with such like-minded women has changed my life. I am truly amazed at the beautiful women I have befriended thus far.

But this underground world and its endless recounting of experiences brings with it something deadly: comparison. As we become aware of and fascinated by this lifestyle we encounter thousands upon thousands of stories. Ideally we learn from these stories, and try to make our own journey run more smoothly. But we are a weak species! We may basically desire to be good, but our selfishness nearly always wins out in the end. True to type, this past week I found myself selfishly wondering why my husband wasn’t acting like other husbands I've read about. And from what I understand, I am not alone in falling into this trap; it’s too easy to hear about others’ successes and expect them for ourselves. Mark Twain said: “Comparison is the death of joy.” How true- when we start focusing on the journey of those around us we inevitably lose track of our own. And comparison in this context is completely unfair; not only are our experiences, ages, and characteristics varied, but the dynamic of each individual couple is totally unique as well. I knew this line of thinking had to stop.

And then a few nights ago I found myself over Bruce’s knee for sassing. Between painful strikes he reiterated how important it is for me to be respectful, and as usual this vulnerability cleared my mind of all but the present issue. Be respectful… I considered how I could improve, and as I pictured what that should look like it suddenly registered how far I’ve come in this department. Just six months ago I was guilty of belligerently putting him down whenever he did something I considered offensive, but here I was being spanked over not knowing when to stop teasing; what an improvement! In this split-second of clarity I soaked in the series of events that led me to be otk… I sassed, he gave me a warning look. I continued, he instructed me to retrieve the paddle. I quietly obeyed, got into position, and here we were. Even a few weeks ago I would have considered it impossible for us to execute this series of events so smoothly. Moment over, I begged for mercy; he eventually stopped, pulled me up, and looked me in the eye for the last sentence of his lecture. We hugged, and then it really hit me: however uniquely paced and unusually ordered it may be, our journey to the roles we desire is real; not just in regards to the physicality of domestic discipline, but in regards to who we are as husband and wife. Without a doubt he is learning to lead and I am learning to follow. Comparison to others is the death of joy. But comparison to our former selves, that can only bring a growing contentment; a joy that is alive and well :)

Sunday, May 17, 2015

When Things Go Wrong

A few nights ago we had a really bad night. I think every couple that commits to this lifestyle fears that a night like this will happen, and sure enough it finally did.

Prior to that night I had chosen to voice a complaint somewhat abrasively. More significantly, I proceeded to ignore Bruce’s requests for me to stop. This is a big no for us, as I tend to express myself/argue to an incessant degree, and Bruce tends to handle things very calmly until he simply gets pushed over the edge. We’ve found that the best way to avoid escalating into a yelling match is for Bruce to tell me I need to stop for the evening, or (when that fails) to go retrieve the paddle. I always reserve the right to readdress my concerns the next day, but it’s significant to note that by the next day I almost never have any remaining concerns to address. But we unfortunately got lost in the argument, and as a result it quickly escalated past a reasonable disagreement. We had the tool of domestic discipline, but we forgot to use it [mistake #1]. By then he was far too angry to spank me, so he steered me into the bedroom for a time out, telling me that I would be spanked on another night as a reminder to stop when he says to stop.

And so we arrive at the other night. Bruce wasn’t in a good state of mind and I knew it, but nonetheless I made it known that I wanted to “pay” for it and move on [mistake #2]. He also knew that it wasn’t the best time to take care of things, but he agreed to go through with it anyway [mistake #3]. Since my infraction was a major one that we’ve discussed countless times, the spanking itself was easily the worst spanking I have ever received... for starters the warm-up was long and hard enough that I actually cried out before he even started using the paddle. Every strike with the paddle is breathtaking, but this time I was paddled harder and much longer than ever before. He continued well past the point where I felt I could handle it, and when I squirmed desperately he didn’t patiently wait for me to get back into position as usual, but instead pulled me back up himself and spanked me even harder, promising more if I couldn’t hold still. We both hate that I squirm, but it is really hard to fight that reaction; I had intended to, but it hurt so badly! Eventually I burst into tears at the grim task of finding a way to hold still or be spanked even more. Between strikes he was very clear in his reasoning, saying things like “When I tell you to stop, you have to stop… you know you can always bring it up the next day, so you only need to wait a short amount of time… we've discussed how you sometimes need to let things go…” By the end every strike was absolutely unbearable but I somehow found a way to hold still. He asked me if I understood why my letting it go is so important, and I tearfully acknowledged that I did. After a few concluding strikes it was finally over.

Afterward he hinted that I please him in a way that occasionally sort of completes my exercise in submission. I won’t be over-specific, but this time it just felt too forceful or something. I know, I do hear how ridiculous that sounds… “Honey we agreed you should spank me really hard when I really blow it, and that I can follow through with a specific form of intimacy, but this time it felt forceful.” What?? I still can’t articulate what specifically felt wrong, but something about it felt almost demeaning [mistake #4]. I was so hurt, but said nothing in the moment. We went to bed, got up at separate times, and went through our workdays. All the while I wondered how I should address my concerns to Bruce. I prayed about it all day, and when we both got home I admitted how I had felt. He obviously hated that I felt that way, and right away he apologized for disciplining in the wrong frame of mind to begin with. While he was clear that he was not sorry for the severity of the spanking, he admitted that he had been unsure how to proceed from such a severe punishment, and so evidently made a poor choice. I understand that his role requires more complicated and difficult decisions than mine, and I of course forgave him immediately. We made a plan to avoid any similar situation in the future, and we have been really careful to stick with it.

Nonetheless, our mistakes that evening were memorable and upsetting. This is a complicated and delicate lifestyle, to say the least! So many emotions are involved in the process of correcting and receiving correction… bad experiences like this are almost bound to happen, and when they do they seem to cut us to the core. But the bottom line is that Bruce and I are committed to one another; we trust each other, exercise empathy, and have the courage to be honest. In light of these things we are able to bounce back from such experiences and enjoy the enhanced and fulfilling relationship that domestic discipline can offer. To express submission and authority in such a concrete and physical way illuminates so much! Since we have introduced this practice into our marriage I have learned so much about myself and my soul mate, things that I never even knew existed. Before I would have said that Bruce is usually very laid back, but has a grouchy/irritable streak; now I know that he is laid back, but feels incredibly thwarted when he isn’t heard. I used to think that he sort of likes my strong personality, but it sometimes upsets him; now I can confidently say that he loves my strong personality, provided I remember to be respectful to him in the midst of my make-a-plan, take-charge mentality. I strongly believe that this lifestyle is worth the risk of nights like the one we experienced. If we love each other and want to keep our marriage healthy, we can always work past these things. And putting ourselves out there to such an extreme degree brings us so much closer, especially when we can be honest about what went wrong and how we should proceed in the future.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

It's Time

So we’re gearing up to start a family… we want to start trying this summer. This comes with a whirlwind of emotions; excitement, fear, sadness, and guilt. Yep, guilt. This is mostly from the fact that I have never had the “baby bug.” Even now the thought of having a baby sounds more distressing than anything. This is largely because of my OCD (my doctors were clear that my symptoms will worsen, and I almost definitely will suffer from post-partum depression), but on top of that I’m simply not a baby person. Don’t get me wrong, I know I will be totally crazy about any little thing we bring into this world. *Side-note: please don’t lecture me on how I have no idea how much it will blow my mind and will be the greatest thing in my life… I’ve heard that countless times already. Got it.* I absolutely believe that our lives will change for the better, but I still mourn the loss of a time in our lives that we can never return to.

More significantly, this beautiful dynamic in our marriage will be impeded to some extent. Of course the authority and submission is really the big deal, but right now our correction in roles is primarily supported through Bruce’s right to stop things in their tracks with a spanking. He says that only a minimal amount of spanking is okay while I am pregnant; he’s the boss so that’s that. We obviously will use other means to reinforce our corrected roles, but will we fall back into bad habits before we have a chance to make that adjustment? A few weeks ago Bruce sat bolt upright on the couch and said “I’ve got to think of an alternative for this when you’re pregnant.” He bounced around a few ideas, always including that I do the task sans clothing; he said it is humbling and maintains an aspect of vulnerability, which is true. It is hard to imagine that he came come up with another such thing; something I dislike, yet something that I can tolerate, something that fosters both submission and authority, something that is intimate, and something that is effective… I am specifically thinking of my looping; for years we have been searching for an effective way to shut me down when I can’t see that I’m in a loop, and no code word or routine has ever worked, save for this.

So here we are. T minus a month or so before we (hopefully) start this wild ride. Earlier this week I back-slid a bit in respectful behavior. Not nearly as bad as I used to be: I have made enormous strides in putting my money where my mouth is in the trust department. Nonetheless, no more than an hour later I was across his lap getting a severe paddling. It was awful; I felt exposed, helpless, and extremely uncomfortable. In the moment I actually asked myself why on earth this would ever be missed. But afterward… I felt humbled, self-aware, and extremely connected with Bruce. Critics of this lifestyle insist that we become dependent upon being spanked, that we can’t be submissive without it, which of course isn’t true. So I suppose I should view our hiatus from spanking as an opportunity to demonstrate the self-sustaining nature of becoming truly submissive. It’s going to happen either way, so I may as well embrace it, right?

Monday, April 27, 2015

Intensity

A few weeks ago I was in such a crappy frame of mind that Bruce’s response involved a hard spanking ending with a broken paddle. He told me to buy another one made of a more sturdy material, and very reluctantly I obliged; it was hard enough for me to handle the less sturdy version :( So last week, after a good deal of nervous anticipation, I experienced the new paddle. While it was definitely more intense than the old one, the experience was brief and thus not entirely overwhelming. Fast forward to Friday night; I was in a funk and feeling resentful over something that wasn’t directly his fault. I knew I needed to get a grip, and I struggled to do so all evening. Still, I knew I would be in trouble when we got home.

As usual he instructed me to retrieve the paddle, pulled me over his lap, and warmed me up with his hand. But the first strike with the new paddle stung so much that it left me breathless. By the second I was squirming considerably, and not long after I actually heard myself say “Please stop, I don’t know if I can do this.” Although I had meant it I regretted saying it as soon as it was out; did I trust him or didn’t I? Thankfully he said something along the lines of "oh, is that so," and simply continued… somehow I appreciated his consistency and resolve in this. Nonetheless, it hurt so much more than ever before. I was crying out and squirming so badly that for the first time ever Bruce demanded that I hold still for the last several strikes. This took every ounce of resolve I could muster. Afterward I asked him why I had been spanked so hard, but he insisted that I hadn’t been spanked any harder than usual, and had received even less than in the past. I believed that he didn’t use any more force than usual, but clearly the new paddle did not make it feel that way. I told him as much, although he didn’t really show any sympathy… while waiting for it to arrive in the mail, we had talked about the possibility of the new paddle being more intense than the first one; he had suggested that if this were the case it would be a fair progression, as it was my lack of submission that caused the first paddle to break. Although it is hard to swallow, I understand this line of logic.

Increased intensity is a weird concept to consider; I definitely dread being spanked even more now, but isn’t that the point? As I am certain he will take care of me, asking him to ease up seems sort of inappropriate and beside the point. In fact, the next morning I noticed that I had no marks whatsoever, so no real “damage” had been done. We have a smaller version of the paddle that broke, and I know that this new one will be reserved for when he really wants to drive his point home. I do understand the danger of going overboard in this area, and I want to be careful not to do that. Still, being spanked is a physical representation of my relinquishing control; how silly would it be if I added “but only if the result is pleasant”…Also, Bruce is extremely level headed about all of this; while it would be ridiculous to deny the sensual aspect, he primarily uses it as a tool to help me stop looping or to remember to be respectful. I am spanked for more specific things now, but the frequency hasn’t increased, and the severity and intensity has been very even-keeled, save for this. But perhaps this is what they mean by a slippery slope? If the first paddle was already intense, is it inappropriate to use something that is even more so? We will have to continue to pray for guidance here. In the meantime I will quietly defer to Bruce’s decision-making. That is, after all, the point of this whole thing...

 

Monday, April 20, 2015

In Defense of All of This...

Although I intend to be first and foremost a Christian, I don’t mean for this to be a strictly Christian blog; I love hearing from and sharing with any couple that is living this lifestyle, provided they are respectful and considerate. Thankfully, I have yet to meet anyone outside of that description.

Nonetheless, there has recently been some debate over domestic discipline on the Christian front. Evidently in the not too distant past, a Christian woman tried domestic discipline and found it wasn’t for her; she had just the right past experiences and predispositions to make it a definitively wrong choice. God thankfully rescued her from the situation and convicted her of the importance of walking away from it all. So she started a blog about why domestic discipline is wrong… for everyone. Now don’t get me wrong, she has some truly excellent points. There’s no denying that this can be a slippery slope, and she very accurately and articulately outlines the many ways it can go wrong: Don’t depend on your husband to make you better. Don’t neglect to maintain self-motivation. Don’t lose sight of why we as Christians should desire to be better. Don’t get sucked into the insatiable pit of masochism. These are all very real dangers of practicing domestic discipline, and I have no doubt that these dangers overtake many couples. In fact, I have no doubt that at least one of them will overtake every couple unless they are careful. If she were a friend of mine, I would sincerely thank her for leading me towards some serious soul-searching.

As two convicted women, she and I could go back and forth for days, and I really don’t want to do that; I’ve heard all of her points, and she has probably heard all of mine… I’m afraid we’ll have to agree to disagree. But I want to briefly articulate why I am uncomfortable with her definitive declaration for all of Christianity: To be sure, "Christians" commonly ignore absolute truths present in the Bible in order to maintain their comfortable lifestyles. But it is critical to note that nearly all of these truths can be quoted in two sentences or less. I am unaware of any Biblical mandate that leaves room for in-context scriptural rebuttal or interpretation. The Bible is not written in code; God wants us to clearly understand his direction and fulfill the kind of life he has intended for us. From a scriptural standpoint, Domestic Discipline can be misused in a number of ways. Without honest discernment and prayer, it will be misused. This is true of a lot of wonderful things; sex, wine, and sweets to name a few. But domestic discipline cannot be defined by these potential downfalls. In fact, it cannot be defined at all; if you read three different domestic discipline blogs you will certainly find three distinctly personalized “definitions” of domestic discipline.

But back to the inspiration for this post. I am absolutely blown away by the body of beautiful Christian women that are navigating this lifestyle with me. The first real friend I connected with through this sent me a slideshow of her and her husband that was set to music. I can’t remember now how it was related to our email discussion, but as I watched this video of another couple in love, trying to do right by God and each other, I completely lost all emotional composure; I didn’t just cry, I sobbed a deep, hard, affected sob. Who knew that all along there was another couple out there trying to live their lives in a fulfilling and God-honoring way just like we were! There are so many people in our daily lives that don’t align with our belief system at all, and those that do aren’t always necessarily on the same page with us in terms of other life priorities. But here I was looking at the actual faces of a real couple with values and priorities almost identical to ours. Even though we were miles apart, I knew there had to be others out there like them.

Flash forward to today: I have connected with so many women within this lifestyle who are sincerely trying to walk with God and fulfill the role that he has given us as wives. We are all making mistakes and constantly re-defining how to practice this in a way that honors God, but we are also constantly growing. I am more in touch with my femininity, in fact I am more in touch with my entire emotional self than I ever have been in my whole life. I am more self-aware; my weaknesses (and how to tackle them) are now more clearly defined. I am more in touch with Bruce’s needs and how to connect with him than ever before, and he is more in tune with how I think and function as well. In an open and honest way I am acknowledging how and why I am motivated, and how I can make that process better. And incredibly, I am witnessing other women go through the same difficult but beautiful process. I am so thankful for these women! Not only do I learn a lot from them, but they represent God’s faithfulness in the lives of so many types of people from all across the world. That has been incredible to see. It would be hard to say that God’s blessings aren’t present in this process. I absolutely believe that they are, and I just want to say that I’m so thankful for them!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Hello Mr. Authority!

When we first started trying this out, I read about women who were surprised to find that their husbands were getting more and more comfortable with the role of “boss.” Bruce might be the most laid back person I have ever met; that combined with his initial uncertainty over the whole thing made me feel pretty positive that he would never be one of those men.

Wrong.

Since we’ve decided to use DD primarily for attitude/respect and looping, he has gotten incredibly comfortable as an authoritarian… go figure? I’m wondering if maybe this is because the whole thing feels more “right” to him now? In any case, here are some examples:

Last night we needed to go to bed, but we were both preoccupied doing our own thing. Finally Bruce pulled himself away and told me to do the same. When I asked why I couldn’t finish what I was doing he said “who’s the boss again? Right. Now it’s time for bed.” Now of course if I had been doing something important he would have reacted differently. But I was just playing a stupid game on my iPad; he was right to say I didn’t need to finish.

The other night I was seriously horrible. I’ve gotten better about this, but sometimes my emotions still get the best of me and I become moody, rude, and argumentative. To make it worse, I chose to behave this way after Bruce had had an extremely long and not-so-great day. Inconsiderate, to say the least. Before this happened I was supposed to get maintenance, so after acting so horribly I told him I understood that the maintenance was now going to be correction. Without hesitation he told me that since I had ‘needed’ the maintenance too, it would be a combination of both. He straight up said “This means it’s going to hurt more than usual. I’ll always take care of you, but that point you talk about- I’m really going to take you past it.” I literally choked on my own spit. A month ago I would have guaranteed that he would never say anything as intense or as stern as this. What’s more is that he definitely followed through :(

This is so embarrassing, but we have a thin acrylic paddle and it actually broke when he was using it. He wasn’t angry but was extremely disappointed with me; unfortunately the severity of his response was totally valid. When it broke he pulled me up and showed me what happened. He frowned as if to say “now look what you did.” I told him I would buy another one if he wanted, but he really doesn’t like the sites that sell them so I figured his response would be a no-brainer. Nope! He told me that obviously I would need to do that, and I had better get a sturdier one this time. Wow... never in a million years would I have thought he would A) spank me hard enough to break anything, B) react comfortably and naturally if something like that ever happened, and C) instruct me to order another more intense implement to replace it. In a sort of daze I got on the internet and did as I was told. My throat gets tight every time I come around the corner in view of our front door… so far no package.

My point in describing all of this is two-fold: first, all want all of the women out there that are frustrated that their husbands won’t ‘step up’ to stop worrying; it may just come with a little bit of time. Second, I want to reiterate the strange beauty of this whole process. As I’ve asked him to do so, Bruce has become more authoritative than I ever expected. He says “no” a lot more, he doesn’t cut me a break nearly as often, and I sometimes actually feel nervous when he gives me that look. And oddly enough, all of this makes me feel… free. Free and loved; he has never been so in tune with my thoughts or the ways of my heart. He looks at me with a new appreciation that reminds me of when we were falling in love, and I see him in the same light. He has always been the man of my dreams, but as he comes into himself more he becomes even more loving and considerate. And did I mention a lot sexier? That too :)

 

 

 

 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Positives & Negatives

I've decided to put together a list of the positives and negatives of living this way. I'm sure everyone's list is different, but I think I've covered pretty much everything that really affects Bruce and me. I asked him to read over it and tell me what he thought, and after he did he said "that's actually very accurate!" He did comment that the second negative is actually a positive, but he was joking... or at least he says he was! Here it is:

Negatives:
Holding him accountable is more delicate than before (takes more planning, thought, control)
I don't know how to encourage him to get things done (not sure how to reiterate without nagging)
It's sometimes extra work to be submissive (the commitment is hard when I'm tired, upset, etc.)
I don't get my way as often as I used to... but I know this is healthy for me!
I either have to keep a secret from loved ones, or risk being judged by them (I hate secrecy)
I think about all of this too much (although this is getting better as the novelty wears off)
Sometimes it is really uncomfortable to sit down :/

Positives:
No more fights ending in yelling matches, tears, etc.
Effectively resets my OCD looping
Seriously increased sex drive (on both ends)
Necessitates physical respect which leads to mental respect (Biblical mandate!)
I am less overbearing and controlling (easily my ugliest qualities)
I am learning to trust his decision-making more
He is learning to own his decision-making more (takes care to do the right thing)
I am finally motivated to clean better and to cook regularly
I've connected with other like-minded women & made some really great friendships
I take better care of my appearance (full make-up, more skirts, always use perfume)
Others see that he is clearly "the one who wears the pants"
I wear cute underwear almost every day... just in case ;)
I think he is starting to like this and want it for us as well

About that last one: I am pretty sure that two night ago I got a stress-relief spanking... to help reduce Bruce's stress! He has been dealing with some ridiculously extreme-feminists at work, and as he vented about that I realized that he was actually feeling really overwhelmed in general. A few minutes later he told me I was being mouthy... I guess I was a little, but not nearly as much as something that warrants being spanked. I thought about his comment and how he had stated it, and after a while I found myself wondering if he wanted to spank me.

If that were the case, he definitely would not be comfortable saying so (would anyone on that end of it really? that would be a strange plight for sure). Despite the potential discomfort that a spanking would entail, I wanted to say "We've talked about this! You can do it just because if you want to!" Instead, I said something vaguely mouthy for the express purpose of giving him a change to respond how he wanted. He paused for a moment then asked me if we needed to take this into the bedroom. My stomach flipped; was I right? In response I wordlessly got up and went. In the bedroom he gave me a considerable spanking; it wasn't on the most severe end, but seriously every strike with that paddle feels very definitively severe! Afterward I was expecting that he would want to be intimate, but instead he simply hugged me. I kissed him on the shoulder and said nothing. (Btw, pre-submission it absolutely never would have occurred to me to say nothing... at any point... ever. Hooray for increased self-awareness!)

Maybe I'm completely crazy, but this was a huge positive to me. Don't get me wrong, the night would have been more enjoyable without being spanked; as always it was extremely unpleasant emotionally and physically, particularly with no specific reasoning for me to think through. Maybe he just thought I had needed it. But if he had wanted to spank me just because, then this thing we're doing is also turning out to be therapeutic for him, at least on some small level. Of course he is glad we are doing this, as it has made a lot of things better (see the above positives); still, I wasn't sure he would ever want it in the way that I do. And if he does, then I don't mind providing that for him from time to time. I know the past is in the past, but honestly with the way I treated him before all of this, any number of "unjustified" spankings are more than fair!
 

Monday, March 30, 2015

Trust....

Since Bruce and I discussed the importance of my own self-motivation in regards to behavior and general life choices, I've wavered once or twice over being afraid that we are not "doing this" anymore. Bruce assures me that we still are (his exact words were "don't worry, you will still be getting spanked whenever I feel you need to be.") and I know he is right, but I still feel unclear as to how things will always play out. I do agree that I need to choose the right behavior simply because it's right, but to be honest it just seemed more exciting the other way.

Probably because of all of my concerns and questions, last night I received maintenance at a different intensity than usual. We do "maintenance" once or twice a week; for us it effectively serves the function of role reinforcement (he is the authority, I submit to his authority). But often when I sass or joke inappropriately, Bruce will comment that it is 'going on my tab.' He is always very vague about this, but I do notice that the maintenance is harsher if I am moody or out of sorts in the days leading up to receiving it. This time however, he was clear that it would absolutely be harsher than usual, and not necessarily in connection with my attitude. Needless to say, I was anxious to get it over with, so I asked him last night if we could please do maintenance sometime before bed. He said maybe but probably not, as he was not in the right mood for maintenance, which is fair.

Half-way through the evening he must have changed his mind because he suddenly stopped and told me to go into the bedroom. I complied with a fair amount of mental resistance, as I had assumed I was in the clear for the evening. I undressed and he pulled me across his lap; when I felt that the warm-up was more painful than usual I heard myself (for the first time ever) asking if we could please do it later. In response to my request he wordlessly set his hand on my bottom until I got still again. I tried counting the first few strikes with the paddle, but in the end I couldn't seem to keep it straight. When I felt I couldn't take anymore I begged him to stop, but with no response I finally resigned myself emotionally; as before, I somehow found the inner strength to just be still. In my experience, the feeling of being just past my limit is extremely unsettling; it hurts, but more significantly it feels as though I have no control over my own body. And yet afterward when he holds me, I am always newly aware that he has been carefully and constantly monitoring how I've been doing the entire time. I have asked him to be authoritative and firm even on a physical level; of course he wouldn't take that lightly.

To be honest I still don't entirely understand this whole dynamic, or even to what degree we will regularly use it, but I do know this: when the above transpires I physically demonstrate that I trust him, and he physically demonstrates that he is worthy of my trust... and that is beautiful. Of course we demonstrate this to each other in non-physical ways as well; in fact, those ways are almost inarguably more important. But this physical demonstration of our emotional intentions is so raw and sensual that it can't help but bring us closer. As we ended the night last night I held him so tightly, and just felt incredibly safe. His authority is so firm and so loving, and I am slowly learning to trust and submit to that authority. It would be ridiculous to suggest that spanking is necessary to achieve this dynamic in our marriage. But when I give him the power to say when, why, and how much physically, I have to surrender myself on a very literal level. And as it turns out, both of us are finding this exercise in surrendering to be beautiful and... sweet :)

Friday, March 27, 2015

Major Revelation

Let me articulate that the revelation that I have come to simply applies to my own personality and my personal marriage; it may not be applicable to any other marriage, and I am not suggesting that it is or should be. Those choosing to live this way are beautifully aware that each couple is different, and there is little to no judgment in sharing what works for them; I mean to reciprocate those same sentiments. If this feels offensive to any reader, it is not my intent and I sincerely apologize. I would simply defeat the value and purpose of blogging if I suppress my sincere and honest thoughts.

Last night Bruce and I had our first serious argument about domestic discipline. By his own admission he is bad with words, but after fumbling around trying to articulate what he was upset about, he finally blurted "To change yourself you need to rely less on this and more on God!" Wow. Something struck me to the core in that moment. He is right; I am relying on this dynamic to change my behavior. In fact if I am really honest with myself I have to admit that my prayers about my marriage have been less deep and have had fewer requests for His guidance since we've started this... I've still wanted to be a good Christian wife, but I have been looking in more than one place for the strength and guidance to do so. God is clear that He and He alone is enough for me in absolutely all things, so I have been entirely wrong to seek elsewhere.

I don't think this means that the Domestic Discipline lifestyle is completely wrong. I reflect back to my meeting with the Pastor... the only moment that he was hesitant was when I said we wanted to specifically use spanking as a punishment, and now I believe I understand his hesitation. It is only the formal punishment involved in this lifestyle that I am finding to be detrimental to us, and here's why: when he enforces a punishment, I do not have to want to change. He makes me go through certain actions and in response to those actions I eventually soften my heart, and then I want to change. But I should want to change because the Holy Spirit is in my heart and I am relying on the Holy Spirit for guidance in changing myself. Thus, punishments that are mandatory have only been effective in changing my behavior, not in changing my true desire to be a submissive woman of Christ. If he strongly suggests that I go into the other room and calm down/pray before continuing the conversation, he is still exerting his authority... but to be truly submissive, I have to make my own choice to take his suggestion. In order for me to own it, his suggestion of what I should do (take a moment, pray, etc.) has to be optional. I'm not talking about a few swats here and there for speaking out of line, it's just that serious behavioral choices need to be on me.

With maintenance, it is not personal change that I seek. I desire maintenance because I want to feel his authority, and I want to demonstrate that I will submit to him and trust him even when I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. As far as I can tell, demonstrating authority and submission is a totally natural and healthy expression of Christian marriage. I need to be reminded of his authority, and I think my character (and our connection) benefits from the humbling act of laying across his lap.

Another beautiful part of domestic discipline is the disappearance of passive aggressive behavior toward one another. When we are arguing and he has run out of patience and things to say, he spanks me. I submit to the spanking because I love him, I respect him, and I don't want him to be angry. When we take this consensual "break" from discussing, we are not abandoning each other. We are still expressing the desire to be intimate, his intention to lead, and my intention to submit, but we have a minute to think. Perhaps in a perfect world he and I would never get frustrated enough to need a break, but unfortunately this is not a perfect world. While we first and foremost need to pray before continuing the discussion, I don't think this expression of authority/submission alters our motivations for being more considerate in our discussion. We come back calmer because he has re-expressed authority and I have expressed submission, but our concerns and ideas about what needs to be communicated remain unchanged (although a momentary break often gives me the clarity of closing my mouth for a while!). Only prayer can change the effectiveness of our communication.

Along similar lines, my anxiety (OCD) is a physiological imbalance that is outside of my control to a certain degree. I can pray for strength to control my behavior and soften my looping, but I am literally incapable of stopping a loop entirely. Bruce's (repeated) spankings to make me physically stop looping were beautiful because no amount of will power can possibly make that happen; it has to be a physical reset. Therapists suggest turning on the radio at an extremely high volume, or other such physical and emotional distractions. In my experience, few things are more emotionally distracting than being spanked!

Thank God that my husband is more naturally in tune with the Holy Spirit than I am. This afternoon I asked him (after a brief prayer) if we could make this one change within domestic discipline ...my owning my behavior rather than a mandatory punishment... and see how it goes. To my relief he agreed that this is the one context that didn't ring true to him either, so we are really on the same page with this. We may be totally wrong about absolutely everything, but trying to discern what God wants for our marriage is a long and winding journey, especially in this screwed up society. All I can do is try...

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Obsessing...

So I am diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; I have more obsessions than compulsions, so I come across as a normal person to those around me. Underneath though, I have what-if/ worst-case scenario thoughts to the point of obsessing... With this comes the bizarre concept of "looping;" people with OCD feel they are having a healthy and productive conversation, but others can see that they are continually looping back to the same concern, no matter what is discussed. Although I only do this in very personal conversations (thus only affecting those closest to me), it is extremely disorienting; I trust my loved ones when they identify my looping, but I can never actually identify it myself. Even afterward when I have stopped talking out of respect for the other person, it feels as though I had to stop a normal, productive conversation.

I do take medication, but even still it takes a toll on our marriage; in fact when we first discussed Domestic Discipline, giving Bruce the absolute authority to stop a loop no-questions-asked sounded very appealing to both of us. So last night I found myself looping to the point of causing an argument... since we've started domestic discipline Bruce has usually been able to stop these situations early on with a stern "we're not talking about this anymore," but not this time. Nonetheless, unlike a few months ago, he now had the means to prevent this from ruining our evening.

I remember him telling me to go into the bedroom, but I was so intent on my thought that I sort of didn't think to respond to his direction. As I continued to explain he yelled "now!" loud enough that I actually jumped. When I processed what was actually going on I felt two things; frustration at looping (again) without realizing it, and nervousness over what was about to happen. Because of this, I went into the bedroom and sort of just stood there... when he came in he simply removed my jeans and underwear for me. He led me over to the bed, and I started crying; by the time he pulled me over his lap I was sobbing. While he gave me a warm up, he told me that I have to start trusting him when he says that we need to stop discussing something. When he started using the paddle I cried even harder; the pain of each stroke felt as if it were a physical manifestation of the destruction my looping causes in our marriage.

Sometimes he chooses to spank me especially hard; when he does that each strike gives me the momentary feeling of not being able to take anymore, and I wiggle around like crazy. I forced my knees and forearms to stay put this time, but still my hips wiggled. I was still crying, but he calmly continued, occasionally reiterating the importance of trusting him. And then after a while something happened: I suddenly found the strength to release all struggling. It hurt more than ever, but I somehow truly let go and just laid still... I even laid my head down on the comforter. Submitting completely, even if only on a physical level, felt incredibly peaceful. Bruce definitely noticed my change, and in response put the paddle down and pulled me up onto the bed. We made love and I held him tight and cried. I was still mentally unsettled and unclear, but emotionally I felt at peace. We returned to the living room to continue our evening. When I tried to mentally process I vaguely began looping again, albeit on a much smaller scale. Right away he said "I think you'd better go get the paddle." When I brought it back out he had me lay over his lap on the couch... again he pulled my pants and underwear down and paddled me hard; wow did it hurt the second time around! It wasn't as hard as the first time, but he simply doesn't do "light" spankings. When he finished he pulled me up, made me look at him, and said "baby, you've just got to turn it off for tonight, okay?" As I felt pretty certain I couldn't take another spanking, I had no choice but to comply.

If it seems unfair that I was spanked for a physiological imbalance in my brain, let me clarify; I went to bed feeling more at peace over my OCD than I can ever remember feeling. I am always fearful in the back of my mind that this thing within me will threaten the evening or even worse, the relationship. At least for now, that fear is gone. The mental battle against my disorder will always be present, but I no longer feel like a slave to the destruction it can potentially cause between us. I will continue to control it as well as I can, and in the few times where that's not enough to stop it, Bruce will be there to protect me. In fact, he will take the damn thing out! This is something that I can fully release from my mind, and to release even one obsession is more peaceful and beautiful than I can explain.