Well I made it through the work week without losing it... almost. Yesterday morning I got into a bit of a crisis, and I was really freaking out. Bruce called to make sure I was okay, and in the height of my emotion I was nasty and hurtful. That tongue of mine... easily my worst quality. By the end of the conversation I apologized, and I could tell he was reluctantly considering how he should handle my behavior. Recently he admitted that he struggles to discern punishments, and on top of that we had a dinner date planned, so I knew he wouldn't really react that evening. But coming straight home and lecturing, punishing, etc., really made the most logical sense; that way he could express his disappointment, and by submitting to his punishment I could show him that I was truly sorry.
But deciding that I know best isn't really submission, is it? The old me would have spent the day trying to figure out how to best clarify why my idea made sense. Instead (thanks to a moment of Grace) I was suddenly aware of the unfairness of that scenario. On top of being awful to him, I had put him in a position to have to worry about how to react to my bad behavior. My insistence on how to handle things would only exaggerate his discomfort... not to mention that doing so would be the antithesis of submissive!
So I prepared myself to quietly accept whatever he chose to do in response, even if that meant no response at all. After the workday I went home, turned up my iPod, and got in the shower. "Demons" came on (Imagine Dragons) and I was struck by humanity's desperation for redemption. Every significant song, movie, or book has redemption as either a main or underlying theme. We know we are broken, and we crave the peace of being restored from our brokenness. How beautiful that our creator recognizes this need and fills it completely! While redemption, grace, and submission all floated around in my head I sobbed into the running water... the kind of broken sob that gives you clarity, even if only temporarily.
Bruce came home and told me that he understood why I was upset. He said we still needed to "deal with it later" but he wasn't mad. And he really wasn't; we had a wonderful night together, free from resentment and guilt. This morning he let me know that we will be "dealing with" my behavior tonight in the form of a very hard spanking. A general 'rule' of domestic discipline is to handle any punishment as quickly as possible, so as to prevent the wife from feeling on edge while anticipating what's coming. I agree, but in this case I am really at peace with the delay. He is not angry or resentful, so I don't feel edgy or upset. I know that my behavior needs corrected, and I know I am going to be really uncomfortable by the end of the night, but only in a physical sense. Perhaps as we acclimate to this lifestyle we will find a more effective way to handle things, but for a new and inexperienced couple I think we are doing just fine. Soon tonight will be yesterday and it will all be over with anyway!