Thursday, February 19, 2015

Meeting with a Pastor (!)

To my surprise my husband agreed to make a list (qualities of a Christian wife that are important to him)! But he said he would do it when he gets around to it and no sooner, so there's no real guarantee that he will actually get it done at all. Still, that's more than I was expecting.

I tend to obsess over things a bit; last night at the Ash Wednesday service I started feeling nervous about what we are doing. I came home and mulled over every verse I could find on husbands and wives (again), and even though I still feel that this is right for us, I was fearful that it was still somehow wrong. I found myself thinking that maybe we should forget the whole thing just in case, then I stopped myself; this is kind of one of the things that suck about Christians- we are afraid to do anything out of the box, so we are... boring. I returned to my thoughts of meeting with a pastor face to face.

I've been wanting to do this for a long time... about a month and a half actually. I keep praying about it, but I prayed even harder last night. This morning I woke up and called my church office; I told the secretary I was a member, but wanted to talk to a pastor outside of our church over something really personal; surely people requested that from time to time? She said of course, and referred me to two other Lutheran (LCMS) Pastors in the area. I called one and left a voicemail, and when I called the second one I was surprised to hear him answer. I vaguely explained why I wanted to talk to a pastor outside of my church, and he said "sure, I'm open all day, so come on over."

I stammered out an affirmative response, hung up, and then I started panicking. What was I thinking?? How can I open up about this to anyone? I gathered up the verses I had been studying, and nervously talked to myself out loud throughout the whole drive there. I arrived at the church, and to my disappointment I found the pastor to be similar to my own age; I was really hoping for someone in their forties or fifties, or even better, older than that.

I sat down, awkwardly explained what we are doing and why, and even went into my sexual connection with corporal punishment. At first he had some clarifying concerns; husband and wife should always communicate, he shouldn't dictate what I'm doing, etc. I explained that he and I agree together on what is an offense that deserves a consequence, and that though corporal punishment may seem demeaning to some, he would not be using any consequences that either of us find to be demeaning. After some more discussion and clarification, he said "I think this is fine." I practically fell out of my chair I was so relieved. He reiterated that Christian marriage should be about love, honor, and respect, but as long as we were keeping that at the heart of everything, we should be okay.

He also mentioned that it's okay to have desires outside of the norm, provided we stay within the bounds of scripture and maintain the above. He even commented that my coming in seemed to be God-led, as he has been discussing related issues with his confirmation classes and other members of the church. I've only briefly outlined our conversation, but we did go over everything that was a concern to me, and I feel so at peace with this. We will need to be careful, prayerful, and communicate the whole way, but I don't feel a need to obsess anymore. And now I can just enjoy my husband and his newfound dominance. Best feeling ever :)


  1. Anonymous3/09/2015

    Thank you so much for doing this because it makes me feel at peace too. I've thought about doing this so many times. I SOOO understand the "out of the box" thing for Christians. We tend to be very cautious. Well, some of us anyway.


  2. Kate,
    Wow! I would have never found the courage to do that. I'm shocked that the pastor agreed with ttwd. That's amazing. I guess I had to hear it more directly from God Himself that it was okay, because I didn't have the guts to do what you did! Bravo to you!

    1. To be fair, he was a little hesitant about spanking specifically as a punishment; he said we should just be really careful to make sure that was really the right thing for us as a consequence. And as it turns out, it wasn't exactly right for us as a response to poor decision making (see my Major Revelation post if you are totally confused). I think my biggest relief was that he felt it was absolutely acceptable for me to desire this, and that as long as we were prayerful there was nothing wrong with making a go of it. Not that always being prayerful isn't hard work, but what a relief to know that it's an okay starting point!