Thursday, March 5, 2015

But I Disagree...

I've been wondering when and how this would happen; I had my first "unfair" spanking last night. Bruce blurted out a complaint about a habit of mine, and it felt unreasonably hurtful and sudden. I said so, and eventually he apologized for the way he had spoken. But a half hour later he made another irritable comment, which led me to question why he was mad at me. Again he apologized for sounding irritable, but insisted he wasn't upset with me. He said he did feel he was on a shorter fuse than usual, but that it had nothing to do with me or us.

I tried to be respectful in disagreeing, but I was sure there was an underlying problem. Again he insisted. I wouldn't drop it, and he finally said "enough," after which I disdainfully shut my mouth. A few moments later I mocked something he said, as I felt it was another indication of his frustration toward me. I didn't feel we had addressed the issue at all! He sternly ordered me into the bedroom, and I reacted with silent disbelief. He repeated the order, so I got up and went. In the bedroom he made me remove my skirt and panties and bend over the bed. In a controlled voice he said "You need to learn to let things go. If I tell you nothing is wrong, then there really isn't anything wrong!" Without any warm up at all, he laid into me hard with the paddle. I felt I was being unfairly punished, but I merely gripped the bed and tried to hold still. Often I cry out toward the end of a spanking as it becomes more painful; I know that's the point, but nonetheless it is hard to stay silent. This time I was surprised to find that my crying out was mixed with real tears. I felt guilty for ignoring his requests to drop it, confused, and hurt all at the same time.

Back in the living room he was affectionate, but when I pleadingly stared at him for further discussion he simply said "no. no more tonight." I did realize that any more discussing would lead to an argument, but surely he was being unfair?? I told myself it didn't matter; this is what I asked for, and if I still felt the need to discuss tomorrow then we could talk about it then. We finished the night peacefully; I even disregarded my frustration and snuggled close to him on the couch.

Here's the lesson in all of this: when I played it back over in my head this morning, I realized there really hadn't been anything left to discuss. Nothing had happened that hadn't been properly addressed, even though I didn't see it that way in the moment. Pre-submission, the night would have ended in yelling and tears... for absolutely no reason! It took a lot to submit to being spanked when I didn't agree, but I realize that I cannot second-guess him and let him lead at the same time. Inevitably I will one day get spanked for something that is truly unfair, and when that happens I will respectfully confront him when we both cool down... and I know he will reevaluate and make it right. He is a good man, and I trust him. Last night I conveyed my trust by complying; hopefully I will always have the presence of mind to do the same in the future.

8 comments:

  1. "but I realize that I cannot second-guess him and let him lead at the same time."

    Hey Kate, I am realizing this for myself, also. It's difficult to let him lead sometimes isn't it?

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    1. Yes, it is definitely the hardest part! I can see that when I let go it helps both of us grow, but even still it's so easy to fall back into old habits... I keep telling myself that if I just do a little better than last week, then I'm on the right track :)

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  2. Welcome, Kate.
    I have read through your first entires and know how you see this ttwd/dd thing as a learning curve. Things do become calmer and more serene, but not until the shake-down time is over.
    Good to get to know you.
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks Meredith. It is always good to hear about other couples who can look back and see that, all things considered, they are happy with the way things are. I'm really trying to take it one day at a time!

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  3. Welcome to blogging Kate...I think there are quite a few women here in blogland that can relate to you. If you want to incorporate TTWD in your relationship, then you have to let him lead the way he wants to lead...not the way you think he she lead. You did good. ;)

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Exactly the revelation I had (finally) reached. I am really surprised at how much peace I feel in doing this... not that I will always maintain this clarity, but at least I am experiencing it now :)

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  4. Kate,
    I just wrote about my first undeserved spanking. I knew it would happen eventually and it wasn't that bad! If you want to check it out it is called "An Undeserved Spanking." Even when we don't agree, it has a way of working itself out!
    Megan

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    1. I took a look at your post- I so agree with your thought that when this happens we may as well consider it "catch up" for all of the years where we totally deserved it but nothing ever happened. Good thing we don't actually try to make up for time past... I would absolutely never recover!

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