Sunday, March 1, 2015

First Real "Punishment"

Because I struggle so hard to control my tongue, I asked Bruce to be really hard on me whenever I mouth off. He agreed, and on Friday I was as mouthy as my pre-submission self on my worst day :( I knew I had it coming, and he informed me that we would 'deal with it' the next possible night, which was yesterday. While the nature of a punishment is unpleasant, it's so important to us to distinguish between being punished and being demeaned... a punishment may make you feel small temporarily, but anything that makes you feel like a lesser person entirely can't be healthy. I am sure this distinction is different for different people, but Bruce and I only feel comfortable with what seems to be the basics in this, at least for now.

So apparently it was time to learn what a real punishment spanking felt like. Not only was the warm-up longer and harder than a reminder, but when he began with the paddle it was so hard that I couldn't catch my breath :( I so badly wanted to hold still and just take it, but I squirmed worse than ever. It seemed to go on forever; my backside kept feeling warmer and warmer until it burned like it was on fire. He had to have known by my body language that I was really struggling, but he unhesitatingly continued. When it was finally over he held me. We exchanged words of affection and he reminded me that I am capable of controlling my emotions better than I had, which is true. We made love, and I did feel an emotional release after it was all over... My submitting to the punishment felt like a physical expression of how sorry I was, and I was thankful for the opportunity to convey that to him. And since I did, after all, request that he correct me on this, his spanking felt like he had put his foot down about it being wrong, but when it was over it was all forgiven. I know... I can hear how ridiculous this might sound to someone who's never been there, but this is truly how it felt to me.

No more than fifteen minutes later I unthinkingly talked myself down (another 'controlling my tongue' offense), and his face suddenly changed to a look of exasperation and disappointment. I immediately wanted to take it back; how do I never realize what I'm saying until after it comes out of my mouth!? He said "damn it, you're really going to do that after all we just went through?" and I felt terrible. When I realized he was getting the paddle again I cringed. He only spanked me a few more times, but it hurt so badly on top of the previous spanking that I practically dropped to my knees. He helped me up and explained that regardless of how much it hurt he wouldn't be cutting me a break. Strange as it sounds, the consistency of his reaction made me feel somehow content.

When we were lying in bed this morning I thanked him for helping me try to control my tongue. He smiled and said "well baby, if this doesn't help you get it under control I'd have to say you are a lost cause." How true! And you know what? I really am thinking about it now! I am still quite uncomfortable, and all of the little impromptu swats I get for sarcasm or sass are presently just too much to for me to take... so I am being really careful about what I say. Ha! Ridiculous that it took such extreme measures, but now it's time for me to own it and correct it myself long-term. I feel extremely lucky to have a husband who is willing to provide me with some extra motivation :)

2 comments:

  1. Kate, I really resonated with this one. I have trouble shooting off my mouth, too. I find myself getting frustrated at my lack of control...so tired of blurting out whatever I'm feeling at this cost. Thanks for sharing.

    Hugs,
    ZBG

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  2. Kate,
    I agree with you that punishment or discipline should never be demeaning--that's not what this is about. It's about mutual respect for each other! There is something settling for me when Gabe puts his foot down and says "no more." It looks like you are discovering the same thing! Megan

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