Saturday, March 21, 2015

Obsessing...

So I am diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; I have more obsessions than compulsions, so I come across as a normal person to those around me. Underneath though, I have what-if/ worst-case scenario thoughts to the point of obsessing... With this comes the bizarre concept of "looping;" people with OCD feel they are having a healthy and productive conversation, but others can see that they are continually looping back to the same concern, no matter what is discussed. Although I only do this in very personal conversations (thus only affecting those closest to me), it is extremely disorienting; I trust my loved ones when they identify my looping, but I can never actually identify it myself. Even afterward when I have stopped talking out of respect for the other person, it feels as though I had to stop a normal, productive conversation.

I do take medication, but even still it takes a toll on our marriage; in fact when we first discussed Domestic Discipline, giving Bruce the absolute authority to stop a loop no-questions-asked sounded very appealing to both of us. So last night I found myself looping to the point of causing an argument... since we've started domestic discipline Bruce has usually been able to stop these situations early on with a stern "we're not talking about this anymore," but not this time. Nonetheless, unlike a few months ago, he now had the means to prevent this from ruining our evening.

I remember him telling me to go into the bedroom, but I was so intent on my thought that I sort of didn't think to respond to his direction. As I continued to explain he yelled "now!" loud enough that I actually jumped. When I processed what was actually going on I felt two things; frustration at looping (again) without realizing it, and nervousness over what was about to happen. Because of this, I went into the bedroom and sort of just stood there... when he came in he simply removed my jeans and underwear for me. He led me over to the bed, and I started crying; by the time he pulled me over his lap I was sobbing. While he gave me a warm up, he told me that I have to start trusting him when he says that we need to stop discussing something. When he started using the paddle I cried even harder; the pain of each stroke felt as if it were a physical manifestation of the destruction my looping causes in our marriage.

Sometimes he chooses to spank me especially hard; when he does that each strike gives me the momentary feeling of not being able to take anymore, and I wiggle around like crazy. I forced my knees and forearms to stay put this time, but still my hips wiggled. I was still crying, but he calmly continued, occasionally reiterating the importance of trusting him. And then after a while something happened: I suddenly found the strength to release all struggling. It hurt more than ever, but I somehow truly let go and just laid still... I even laid my head down on the comforter. Submitting completely, even if only on a physical level, felt incredibly peaceful. Bruce definitely noticed my change, and in response put the paddle down and pulled me up onto the bed. We made love and I held him tight and cried. I was still mentally unsettled and unclear, but emotionally I felt at peace. We returned to the living room to continue our evening. When I tried to mentally process I vaguely began looping again, albeit on a much smaller scale. Right away he said "I think you'd better go get the paddle." When I brought it back out he had me lay over his lap on the couch... again he pulled my pants and underwear down and paddled me hard; wow did it hurt the second time around! It wasn't as hard as the first time, but he simply doesn't do "light" spankings. When he finished he pulled me up, made me look at him, and said "baby, you've just got to turn it off for tonight, okay?" As I felt pretty certain I couldn't take another spanking, I had no choice but to comply.

If it seems unfair that I was spanked for a physiological imbalance in my brain, let me clarify; I went to bed feeling more at peace over my OCD than I can ever remember feeling. I am always fearful in the back of my mind that this thing within me will threaten the evening or even worse, the relationship. At least for now, that fear is gone. The mental battle against my disorder will always be present, but I no longer feel like a slave to the destruction it can potentially cause between us. I will continue to control it as well as I can, and in the few times where that's not enough to stop it, Bruce will be there to protect me. In fact, he will take the damn thing out! This is something that I can fully release from my mind, and to release even one obsession is more peaceful and beautiful than I can explain.

5 comments:

  1. Kate,
    I love that part of spanking where you can submit in your head and with your body. Good for the two of you.
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks Meredith. Weird feeling, but I was thankful for it. I'll consider it a sign that I'm getting adjusted to all of this :)

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  2. Hey Kate, that must be so frustrating to not be able to control the looping. I'm glad your husband is strong enough for both of you. It takes courage to deal with it that way. And like Meredith said it's great when you can submit mind and body.

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  3. I am glad he is strong too! Sometimes it makes me feel guiltier about being weak though, you know? I know I always need to try to be as strong as possible. I guess that's why I need to be thankful for his resolve with the looping; my strongest efforts will unfortunately never be quite strong enough to make it stop.

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  4. Kate,
    I don't have OCD, but I have issues that I can't seem to quite resolve on my own that are related to my abusive childhood, Bruce seems ready and able to handle you and I know from my own experience that produces a sense of peace that he won't let you go too far off track! Gabe does the same for me!
    Megan

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