Monday, April 27, 2015

Intensity

A few weeks ago I was in such a crappy frame of mind that Bruce’s response involved a hard spanking ending with a broken paddle. He told me to buy another one made of a more sturdy material, and very reluctantly I obliged; it was hard enough for me to handle the less sturdy version :( So last week, after a good deal of nervous anticipation, I experienced the new paddle. While it was definitely more intense than the old one, the experience was brief and thus not entirely overwhelming. Fast forward to Friday night; I was in a funk and feeling resentful over something that wasn’t directly his fault. I knew I needed to get a grip, and I struggled to do so all evening. Still, I knew I would be in trouble when we got home.

As usual he instructed me to retrieve the paddle, pulled me over his lap, and warmed me up with his hand. But the first strike with the new paddle stung so much that it left me breathless. By the second I was squirming considerably, and not long after I actually heard myself say “Please stop, I don’t know if I can do this.” Although I had meant it I regretted saying it as soon as it was out; did I trust him or didn’t I? Thankfully he said something along the lines of "oh, is that so," and simply continued… somehow I appreciated his consistency and resolve in this. Nonetheless, it hurt so much more than ever before. I was crying out and squirming so badly that for the first time ever Bruce demanded that I hold still for the last several strikes. This took every ounce of resolve I could muster. Afterward I asked him why I had been spanked so hard, but he insisted that I hadn’t been spanked any harder than usual, and had received even less than in the past. I believed that he didn’t use any more force than usual, but clearly the new paddle did not make it feel that way. I told him as much, although he didn’t really show any sympathy… while waiting for it to arrive in the mail, we had talked about the possibility of the new paddle being more intense than the first one; he had suggested that if this were the case it would be a fair progression, as it was my lack of submission that caused the first paddle to break. Although it is hard to swallow, I understand this line of logic.

Increased intensity is a weird concept to consider; I definitely dread being spanked even more now, but isn’t that the point? As I am certain he will take care of me, asking him to ease up seems sort of inappropriate and beside the point. In fact, the next morning I noticed that I had no marks whatsoever, so no real “damage” had been done. We have a smaller version of the paddle that broke, and I know that this new one will be reserved for when he really wants to drive his point home. I do understand the danger of going overboard in this area, and I want to be careful not to do that. Still, being spanked is a physical representation of my relinquishing control; how silly would it be if I added “but only if the result is pleasant”…Also, Bruce is extremely level headed about all of this; while it would be ridiculous to deny the sensual aspect, he primarily uses it as a tool to help me stop looping or to remember to be respectful. I am spanked for more specific things now, but the frequency hasn’t increased, and the severity and intensity has been very even-keeled, save for this. But perhaps this is what they mean by a slippery slope? If the first paddle was already intense, is it inappropriate to use something that is even more so? We will have to continue to pray for guidance here. In the meantime I will quietly defer to Bruce’s decision-making. That is, after all, the point of this whole thing...

 

Monday, April 20, 2015

In Defense of All of This...

Although I intend to be first and foremost a Christian, I don’t mean for this to be a strictly Christian blog; I love hearing from and sharing with any couple that is living this lifestyle, provided they are respectful and considerate. Thankfully, I have yet to meet anyone outside of that description.

Nonetheless, there has recently been some debate over domestic discipline on the Christian front. Evidently in the not too distant past, a Christian woman tried domestic discipline and found it wasn’t for her; she had just the right past experiences and predispositions to make it a definitively wrong choice. God thankfully rescued her from the situation and convicted her of the importance of walking away from it all. So she started a blog about why domestic discipline is wrong… for everyone. Now don’t get me wrong, she has some truly excellent points. There’s no denying that this can be a slippery slope, and she very accurately and articulately outlines the many ways it can go wrong: Don’t depend on your husband to make you better. Don’t neglect to maintain self-motivation. Don’t lose sight of why we as Christians should desire to be better. Don’t get sucked into the insatiable pit of masochism. These are all very real dangers of practicing domestic discipline, and I have no doubt that these dangers overtake many couples. In fact, I have no doubt that at least one of them will overtake every couple unless they are careful. If she were a friend of mine, I would sincerely thank her for leading me towards some serious soul-searching.

As two convicted women, she and I could go back and forth for days, and I really don’t want to do that; I’ve heard all of her points, and she has probably heard all of mine… I’m afraid we’ll have to agree to disagree. But I want to briefly articulate why I am uncomfortable with her definitive declaration for all of Christianity: To be sure, "Christians" commonly ignore absolute truths present in the Bible in order to maintain their comfortable lifestyles. But it is critical to note that nearly all of these truths can be quoted in two sentences or less. I am unaware of any Biblical mandate that leaves room for in-context scriptural rebuttal or interpretation. The Bible is not written in code; God wants us to clearly understand his direction and fulfill the kind of life he has intended for us. From a scriptural standpoint, Domestic Discipline can be misused in a number of ways. Without honest discernment and prayer, it will be misused. This is true of a lot of wonderful things; sex, wine, and sweets to name a few. But domestic discipline cannot be defined by these potential downfalls. In fact, it cannot be defined at all; if you read three different domestic discipline blogs you will certainly find three distinctly personalized “definitions” of domestic discipline.

But back to the inspiration for this post. I am absolutely blown away by the body of beautiful Christian women that are navigating this lifestyle with me. The first real friend I connected with through this sent me a slideshow of her and her husband that was set to music. I can’t remember now how it was related to our email discussion, but as I watched this video of another couple in love, trying to do right by God and each other, I completely lost all emotional composure; I didn’t just cry, I sobbed a deep, hard, affected sob. Who knew that all along there was another couple out there trying to live their lives in a fulfilling and God-honoring way just like we were! There are so many people in our daily lives that don’t align with our belief system at all, and those that do aren’t always necessarily on the same page with us in terms of other life priorities. But here I was looking at the actual faces of a real couple with values and priorities almost identical to ours. Even though we were miles apart, I knew there had to be others out there like them.

Flash forward to today: I have connected with so many women within this lifestyle who are sincerely trying to walk with God and fulfill the role that he has given us as wives. We are all making mistakes and constantly re-defining how to practice this in a way that honors God, but we are also constantly growing. I am more in touch with my femininity, in fact I am more in touch with my entire emotional self than I ever have been in my whole life. I am more self-aware; my weaknesses (and how to tackle them) are now more clearly defined. I am more in touch with Bruce’s needs and how to connect with him than ever before, and he is more in tune with how I think and function as well. In an open and honest way I am acknowledging how and why I am motivated, and how I can make that process better. And incredibly, I am witnessing other women go through the same difficult but beautiful process. I am so thankful for these women! Not only do I learn a lot from them, but they represent God’s faithfulness in the lives of so many types of people from all across the world. That has been incredible to see. It would be hard to say that God’s blessings aren’t present in this process. I absolutely believe that they are, and I just want to say that I’m so thankful for them!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Hello Mr. Authority!

When we first started trying this out, I read about women who were surprised to find that their husbands were getting more and more comfortable with the role of “boss.” Bruce might be the most laid back person I have ever met; that combined with his initial uncertainty over the whole thing made me feel pretty positive that he would never be one of those men.

Wrong.

Since we’ve decided to use DD primarily for attitude/respect and looping, he has gotten incredibly comfortable as an authoritarian… go figure? I’m wondering if maybe this is because the whole thing feels more “right” to him now? In any case, here are some examples:

Last night we needed to go to bed, but we were both preoccupied doing our own thing. Finally Bruce pulled himself away and told me to do the same. When I asked why I couldn’t finish what I was doing he said “who’s the boss again? Right. Now it’s time for bed.” Now of course if I had been doing something important he would have reacted differently. But I was just playing a stupid game on my iPad; he was right to say I didn’t need to finish.

The other night I was seriously horrible. I’ve gotten better about this, but sometimes my emotions still get the best of me and I become moody, rude, and argumentative. To make it worse, I chose to behave this way after Bruce had had an extremely long and not-so-great day. Inconsiderate, to say the least. Before this happened I was supposed to get maintenance, so after acting so horribly I told him I understood that the maintenance was now going to be correction. Without hesitation he told me that since I had ‘needed’ the maintenance too, it would be a combination of both. He straight up said “This means it’s going to hurt more than usual. I’ll always take care of you, but that point you talk about- I’m really going to take you past it.” I literally choked on my own spit. A month ago I would have guaranteed that he would never say anything as intense or as stern as this. What’s more is that he definitely followed through :(

This is so embarrassing, but we have a thin acrylic paddle and it actually broke when he was using it. He wasn’t angry but was extremely disappointed with me; unfortunately the severity of his response was totally valid. When it broke he pulled me up and showed me what happened. He frowned as if to say “now look what you did.” I told him I would buy another one if he wanted, but he really doesn’t like the sites that sell them so I figured his response would be a no-brainer. Nope! He told me that obviously I would need to do that, and I had better get a sturdier one this time. Wow... never in a million years would I have thought he would A) spank me hard enough to break anything, B) react comfortably and naturally if something like that ever happened, and C) instruct me to order another more intense implement to replace it. In a sort of daze I got on the internet and did as I was told. My throat gets tight every time I come around the corner in view of our front door… so far no package.

My point in describing all of this is two-fold: first, all want all of the women out there that are frustrated that their husbands won’t ‘step up’ to stop worrying; it may just come with a little bit of time. Second, I want to reiterate the strange beauty of this whole process. As I’ve asked him to do so, Bruce has become more authoritative than I ever expected. He says “no” a lot more, he doesn’t cut me a break nearly as often, and I sometimes actually feel nervous when he gives me that look. And oddly enough, all of this makes me feel… free. Free and loved; he has never been so in tune with my thoughts or the ways of my heart. He looks at me with a new appreciation that reminds me of when we were falling in love, and I see him in the same light. He has always been the man of my dreams, but as he comes into himself more he becomes even more loving and considerate. And did I mention a lot sexier? That too :)

 

 

 

 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Positives & Negatives

I've decided to put together a list of the positives and negatives of living this way. I'm sure everyone's list is different, but I think I've covered pretty much everything that really affects Bruce and me. I asked him to read over it and tell me what he thought, and after he did he said "that's actually very accurate!" He did comment that the second negative is actually a positive, but he was joking... or at least he says he was! Here it is:

Negatives:
Holding him accountable is more delicate than before (takes more planning, thought, control)
I don't know how to encourage him to get things done (not sure how to reiterate without nagging)
It's sometimes extra work to be submissive (the commitment is hard when I'm tired, upset, etc.)
I don't get my way as often as I used to... but I know this is healthy for me!
I either have to keep a secret from loved ones, or risk being judged by them (I hate secrecy)
I think about all of this too much (although this is getting better as the novelty wears off)
Sometimes it is really uncomfortable to sit down :/

Positives:
No more fights ending in yelling matches, tears, etc.
Effectively resets my OCD looping
Seriously increased sex drive (on both ends)
Necessitates physical respect which leads to mental respect (Biblical mandate!)
I am less overbearing and controlling (easily my ugliest qualities)
I am learning to trust his decision-making more
He is learning to own his decision-making more (takes care to do the right thing)
I am finally motivated to clean better and to cook regularly
I've connected with other like-minded women & made some really great friendships
I take better care of my appearance (full make-up, more skirts, always use perfume)
Others see that he is clearly "the one who wears the pants"
I wear cute underwear almost every day... just in case ;)
I think he is starting to like this and want it for us as well

About that last one: I am pretty sure that two night ago I got a stress-relief spanking... to help reduce Bruce's stress! He has been dealing with some ridiculously extreme-feminists at work, and as he vented about that I realized that he was actually feeling really overwhelmed in general. A few minutes later he told me I was being mouthy... I guess I was a little, but not nearly as much as something that warrants being spanked. I thought about his comment and how he had stated it, and after a while I found myself wondering if he wanted to spank me.

If that were the case, he definitely would not be comfortable saying so (would anyone on that end of it really? that would be a strange plight for sure). Despite the potential discomfort that a spanking would entail, I wanted to say "We've talked about this! You can do it just because if you want to!" Instead, I said something vaguely mouthy for the express purpose of giving him a change to respond how he wanted. He paused for a moment then asked me if we needed to take this into the bedroom. My stomach flipped; was I right? In response I wordlessly got up and went. In the bedroom he gave me a considerable spanking; it wasn't on the most severe end, but seriously every strike with that paddle feels very definitively severe! Afterward I was expecting that he would want to be intimate, but instead he simply hugged me. I kissed him on the shoulder and said nothing. (Btw, pre-submission it absolutely never would have occurred to me to say nothing... at any point... ever. Hooray for increased self-awareness!)

Maybe I'm completely crazy, but this was a huge positive to me. Don't get me wrong, the night would have been more enjoyable without being spanked; as always it was extremely unpleasant emotionally and physically, particularly with no specific reasoning for me to think through. Maybe he just thought I had needed it. But if he had wanted to spank me just because, then this thing we're doing is also turning out to be therapeutic for him, at least on some small level. Of course he is glad we are doing this, as it has made a lot of things better (see the above positives); still, I wasn't sure he would ever want it in the way that I do. And if he does, then I don't mind providing that for him from time to time. I know the past is in the past, but honestly with the way I treated him before all of this, any number of "unjustified" spankings are more than fair!