Monday, April 27, 2015

Intensity

A few weeks ago I was in such a crappy frame of mind that Bruce’s response involved a hard spanking ending with a broken paddle. He told me to buy another one made of a more sturdy material, and very reluctantly I obliged; it was hard enough for me to handle the less sturdy version :( So last week, after a good deal of nervous anticipation, I experienced the new paddle. While it was definitely more intense than the old one, the experience was brief and thus not entirely overwhelming. Fast forward to Friday night; I was in a funk and feeling resentful over something that wasn’t directly his fault. I knew I needed to get a grip, and I struggled to do so all evening. Still, I knew I would be in trouble when we got home.

As usual he instructed me to retrieve the paddle, pulled me over his lap, and warmed me up with his hand. But the first strike with the new paddle stung so much that it left me breathless. By the second I was squirming considerably, and not long after I actually heard myself say “Please stop, I don’t know if I can do this.” Although I had meant it I regretted saying it as soon as it was out; did I trust him or didn’t I? Thankfully he said something along the lines of "oh, is that so," and simply continued… somehow I appreciated his consistency and resolve in this. Nonetheless, it hurt so much more than ever before. I was crying out and squirming so badly that for the first time ever Bruce demanded that I hold still for the last several strikes. This took every ounce of resolve I could muster. Afterward I asked him why I had been spanked so hard, but he insisted that I hadn’t been spanked any harder than usual, and had received even less than in the past. I believed that he didn’t use any more force than usual, but clearly the new paddle did not make it feel that way. I told him as much, although he didn’t really show any sympathy… while waiting for it to arrive in the mail, we had talked about the possibility of the new paddle being more intense than the first one; he had suggested that if this were the case it would be a fair progression, as it was my lack of submission that caused the first paddle to break. Although it is hard to swallow, I understand this line of logic.

Increased intensity is a weird concept to consider; I definitely dread being spanked even more now, but isn’t that the point? As I am certain he will take care of me, asking him to ease up seems sort of inappropriate and beside the point. In fact, the next morning I noticed that I had no marks whatsoever, so no real “damage” had been done. We have a smaller version of the paddle that broke, and I know that this new one will be reserved for when he really wants to drive his point home. I do understand the danger of going overboard in this area, and I want to be careful not to do that. Still, being spanked is a physical representation of my relinquishing control; how silly would it be if I added “but only if the result is pleasant”…Also, Bruce is extremely level headed about all of this; while it would be ridiculous to deny the sensual aspect, he primarily uses it as a tool to help me stop looping or to remember to be respectful. I am spanked for more specific things now, but the frequency hasn’t increased, and the severity and intensity has been very even-keeled, save for this. But perhaps this is what they mean by a slippery slope? If the first paddle was already intense, is it inappropriate to use something that is even more so? We will have to continue to pray for guidance here. In the meantime I will quietly defer to Bruce’s decision-making. That is, after all, the point of this whole thing...

 

9 comments:

  1. Kate,

    I can so relate to barely being able to handle a new paddle. We bought a wooden one that takes my breath away every time Gabe uses it. He uses it when I've really blown it badly!

    It always feels like I can't handle it while the spanking is occurring, but afterwards I knew I really could. It may take some time, but Bruce will be able to tell by how you respond and react when he spanks you. He may have to experiment and get your feedback for a while. Or maybe not, like you said it's up to him. Gabe asked feedback for quite a while after a spanking and I was honest as to whether it was hard enough or not. Now there is no discussion, he just spanks until he feels like I've had enough. I'm sure Bruce knows what is best for you, but feedback may be helpful.

    Megan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the insight Megan. We'll see how the next one goes; usually he hears my concerns, says nothing, but then does something different the next time. Hopefully that's the case... if not then it is like you said: in the moment wow, but afterward I do realize I am fine. Part of me is really at peace with his unwillingness to heed my suggestions, especially since I know that he is carefully reading me while it's happening. I'll keep you posted!

      Delete
  2. Okay, I am so NOT celebrating your breath-taking pain. I do not know if I can even truly relate to that, never experienced a paddle (yet). But I DO celebrate the beauty of your submission despite your physical pleas, and your husband's resolve to use his own judgment, insistent upon your relinquished control. So yeah, overall, it remains a beautiful expression of deepening trust between you. I am prayerfully confident you two will figure this out wisely, tenderly, and effectively together. In the meantime, for pete's sake, Kate, be respectful!! Keep your composure!! ~ Much love <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL excellent advice Mrs. Smith! But you are right that it still is a sincere expression of trust, so I am thankful for that. As for your "yet," I'm sending positive vibes your way; here's hoping it remains a 'yet' for a long time to come!

      Delete
  3. Ouchie! I am so sorry for your poor bottom, Kate. We don't own a paddle yet, except for our study bamboo pancake flipper...and that's stingy enough for me. I hope you two get this issue sorted out, either by his changing something or your adjusting to a new normal. (Hoping for the former!) Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You make a good point: one way or another this will eventually work itself out. And I too am hoping for the first way!

      Delete
  4. It's hard to let go of control isn't it? Just a thought, maybe a different position would allow you to take more intensity? Does he paddle you while you are over his lap? I find it easier to take draped over an armchair or on all fours on the bed with my head down on the bed or standing against the wall.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's something I hadn't thought about. I will suggest trying different positions to him and see what he thinks. Thanks ZBG!

      Delete
  5. Hi Kate.
    I also find different kinds of positions help. I am always scared I will not be able to give up control and submit before every punishment, but half way through I always get there. ;)
    Lots of love and blessings,
    Joli

    ReplyDelete