Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Positives & Negatives

I've decided to put together a list of the positives and negatives of living this way. I'm sure everyone's list is different, but I think I've covered pretty much everything that really affects Bruce and me. I asked him to read over it and tell me what he thought, and after he did he said "that's actually very accurate!" He did comment that the second negative is actually a positive, but he was joking... or at least he says he was! Here it is:

Holding him accountable is more delicate than before (takes more planning, thought, control)
I don't know how to encourage him to get things done (not sure how to reiterate without nagging)
It's sometimes extra work to be submissive (the commitment is hard when I'm tired, upset, etc.)
I don't get my way as often as I used to... but I know this is healthy for me!
I either have to keep a secret from loved ones, or risk being judged by them (I hate secrecy)
I think about all of this too much (although this is getting better as the novelty wears off)
Sometimes it is really uncomfortable to sit down :/

No more fights ending in yelling matches, tears, etc.
Effectively resets my OCD looping
Seriously increased sex drive (on both ends)
Necessitates physical respect which leads to mental respect (Biblical mandate!)
I am less overbearing and controlling (easily my ugliest qualities)
I am learning to trust his decision-making more
He is learning to own his decision-making more (takes care to do the right thing)
I am finally motivated to clean better and to cook regularly
I've connected with other like-minded women & made some really great friendships
I take better care of my appearance (full make-up, more skirts, always use perfume)
Others see that he is clearly "the one who wears the pants"
I wear cute underwear almost every day... just in case ;)
I think he is starting to like this and want it for us as well

About that last one: I am pretty sure that two night ago I got a stress-relief spanking... to help reduce Bruce's stress! He has been dealing with some ridiculously extreme-feminists at work, and as he vented about that I realized that he was actually feeling really overwhelmed in general. A few minutes later he told me I was being mouthy... I guess I was a little, but not nearly as much as something that warrants being spanked. I thought about his comment and how he had stated it, and after a while I found myself wondering if he wanted to spank me.

If that were the case, he definitely would not be comfortable saying so (would anyone on that end of it really? that would be a strange plight for sure). Despite the potential discomfort that a spanking would entail, I wanted to say "We've talked about this! You can do it just because if you want to!" Instead, I said something vaguely mouthy for the express purpose of giving him a change to respond how he wanted. He paused for a moment then asked me if we needed to take this into the bedroom. My stomach flipped; was I right? In response I wordlessly got up and went. In the bedroom he gave me a considerable spanking; it wasn't on the most severe end, but seriously every strike with that paddle feels very definitively severe! Afterward I was expecting that he would want to be intimate, but instead he simply hugged me. I kissed him on the shoulder and said nothing. (Btw, pre-submission it absolutely never would have occurred to me to say nothing... at any point... ever. Hooray for increased self-awareness!)

Maybe I'm completely crazy, but this was a huge positive to me. Don't get me wrong, the night would have been more enjoyable without being spanked; as always it was extremely unpleasant emotionally and physically, particularly with no specific reasoning for me to think through. Maybe he just thought I had needed it. But if he had wanted to spank me just because, then this thing we're doing is also turning out to be therapeutic for him, at least on some small level. Of course he is glad we are doing this, as it has made a lot of things better (see the above positives); still, I wasn't sure he would ever want it in the way that I do. And if he does, then I don't mind providing that for him from time to time. I know the past is in the past, but honestly with the way I treated him before all of this, any number of "unjustified" spankings are more than fair!


  1. that's so interesting that you thought he might need to spank you-- and how beautifully submissive of you to give him that opportunity and not get too much in your head about the "why" of it!!

    1. Well put! I don't know about you, but when I start over-analyzing it all goes downhill from there

  2. Anonymous4/04/2015

    Aww! That's so awesome that you gave that gift to your HOH wordlessly. I am not sure I am "there" yet. :) I hope I'll be able to do that for my hubby (and that he'll want it) soon.

    1. Don't let me fool you; most days I am not "there" yet either. I just happened to be in a good place (emotionally) this time around. We'll get there... eventually :)

  3. Kate,
    That is a good way to look at it. I know ttwd is not just a one-sided dynamic. Both sides benefit greatly from it. I don't know if I could do it without a little protest, but I'm getting there too.

  4. Anonymous4/05/2015

    Hey Kate,
    I think Zeke sometimes spanks because he's overwhelmed, too. It gives him stress relief to be able to pound away at my butt. I don't mind giving this as a gift either. I've told him he is welcome to spank just because he wants to and he does.(for connection)

    1. Yeah ZBG, for as much as it sucks going through it, the connection is powerful enough that it's definitely worth it.

  5. Hi Kate, I just wanted to say hello. I found you through Megan's blog and have enjoyed what I have read so far:) Welcome!

  6. Just coming by to say Hello! I'm coming by from reading Megan's blog post and would love to read from the beginning if you don't mind me lurking about :)

    1. Of course I don't mind! Thanks for saying hello :)

  7. Pretty sure I have a similar list some where in my journal, Kate! It is constantly changing and evolving. It is good to look back and see the progress made. This dynamic brings a liveliness to a marriage on so many levels for sure! As always, thank you for sharing so honestly, openly, and articulately.

    1. Why am I not surprised that your list is similar to mine... ;) Thanks for reading!

  8. Kate,
    I am late responding here, but I so agree with your list of positive outcomes to ttwd. A sore bottom I do not feel is a negative. This ttwd works and it has made a huge difference in our marriage.

  9. You are right Meredith- that one should at least go in both categories.