So we’re gearing up to start a family… we want to start trying this summer. This comes with a whirlwind of emotions; excitement, fear, sadness, and guilt. Yep, guilt. This is mostly from the fact that I have never had the “baby bug.” Even now the thought of having a baby sounds more distressing than anything. This is largely because of my OCD (my doctors were clear that my symptoms will worsen, and I almost definitely will suffer from post-partum depression), but on top of that I’m simply not a baby person. Don’t get me wrong, I know I will be totally crazy about any little thing we bring into this world. *Side-note: please don’t lecture me on how I have no idea how much it will blow my mind and will be the greatest thing in my life… I’ve heard that countless times already. Got it.* I absolutely believe that our lives will change for the better, but I still mourn the loss of a time in our lives that we can never return to.
More significantly, this beautiful dynamic in our marriage will be impeded to some extent. Of course the authority and submission is really the big deal, but right now our correction in roles is primarily supported through Bruce’s right to stop things in their tracks with a spanking. He says that only a minimal amount of spanking is okay while I am pregnant; he’s the boss so that’s that. We obviously will use other means to reinforce our corrected roles, but will we fall back into bad habits before we have a chance to make that adjustment? A few weeks ago Bruce sat bolt upright on the couch and said “I’ve got to think of an alternative for this when you’re pregnant.” He bounced around a few ideas, always including that I do the task sans clothing; he said it is humbling and maintains an aspect of vulnerability, which is true. It is hard to imagine that he came come up with another such thing; something I dislike, yet something that I can tolerate, something that fosters both submission and authority, something that is intimate, and something that is effective… I am specifically thinking of my looping; for years we have been searching for an effective way to shut me down when I can’t see that I’m in a loop, and no code word or routine has ever worked, save for this.
So here we are. T minus a month or so before we (hopefully) start this wild ride. Earlier this week I back-slid a bit in respectful behavior. Not nearly as bad as I used to be: I have made enormous strides in putting my money where my mouth is in the trust department. Nonetheless, no more than an hour later I was across his lap getting a severe paddling. It was awful; I felt exposed, helpless, and extremely uncomfortable. In the moment I actually asked myself why on earth this would ever be missed. But afterward… I felt humbled, self-aware, and extremely connected with Bruce. Critics of this lifestyle insist that we become dependent upon being spanked, that we can’t be submissive without it, which of course isn’t true. So I suppose I should view our hiatus from spanking as an opportunity to demonstrate the self-sustaining nature of becoming truly submissive. It’s going to happen either way, so I may as well embrace it, right?