Saturday, May 9, 2015

It's Time

So we’re gearing up to start a family… we want to start trying this summer. This comes with a whirlwind of emotions; excitement, fear, sadness, and guilt. Yep, guilt. This is mostly from the fact that I have never had the “baby bug.” Even now the thought of having a baby sounds more distressing than anything. This is largely because of my OCD (my doctors were clear that my symptoms will worsen, and I almost definitely will suffer from post-partum depression), but on top of that I’m simply not a baby person. Don’t get me wrong, I know I will be totally crazy about any little thing we bring into this world. *Side-note: please don’t lecture me on how I have no idea how much it will blow my mind and will be the greatest thing in my life… I’ve heard that countless times already. Got it.* I absolutely believe that our lives will change for the better, but I still mourn the loss of a time in our lives that we can never return to.

More significantly, this beautiful dynamic in our marriage will be impeded to some extent. Of course the authority and submission is really the big deal, but right now our correction in roles is primarily supported through Bruce’s right to stop things in their tracks with a spanking. He says that only a minimal amount of spanking is okay while I am pregnant; he’s the boss so that’s that. We obviously will use other means to reinforce our corrected roles, but will we fall back into bad habits before we have a chance to make that adjustment? A few weeks ago Bruce sat bolt upright on the couch and said “I’ve got to think of an alternative for this when you’re pregnant.” He bounced around a few ideas, always including that I do the task sans clothing; he said it is humbling and maintains an aspect of vulnerability, which is true. It is hard to imagine that he came come up with another such thing; something I dislike, yet something that I can tolerate, something that fosters both submission and authority, something that is intimate, and something that is effective… I am specifically thinking of my looping; for years we have been searching for an effective way to shut me down when I can’t see that I’m in a loop, and no code word or routine has ever worked, save for this.

So here we are. T minus a month or so before we (hopefully) start this wild ride. Earlier this week I back-slid a bit in respectful behavior. Not nearly as bad as I used to be: I have made enormous strides in putting my money where my mouth is in the trust department. Nonetheless, no more than an hour later I was across his lap getting a severe paddling. It was awful; I felt exposed, helpless, and extremely uncomfortable. In the moment I actually asked myself why on earth this would ever be missed. But afterward… I felt humbled, self-aware, and extremely connected with Bruce. Critics of this lifestyle insist that we become dependent upon being spanked, that we can’t be submissive without it, which of course isn’t true. So I suppose I should view our hiatus from spanking as an opportunity to demonstrate the self-sustaining nature of becoming truly submissive. It’s going to happen either way, so I may as well embrace it, right?

11 comments:

  1. Kate,
    I'm sure Bruce will figure out some good alternatives. You will have to trust him in that. You so need to trust that God has you in His hands.
    Megan

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    1. Thank you for the reminder. You are right; He's always there to walk us through whatever we're facing

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  2. Hey Kate...my youngest DIL's mother has been pushing for grands...at the wedding dinner, she demanded to know how soon she could expect a grandchild. My DIL has expressed doubts about having children due to issues from her childhood. She asked me how I would feel if they never had children. I told her that it I would support whatever choice they made and not to let anyone push her into something that she wasn't ready for. I also told her, children can be the source of your greatest joy but they can also be the source of your greatest sorrow and they can add a lot of stress on a relationship. Wishing you the best with whatever choice you make.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thanks for the unconditional support Cat; what a reassuring/calming point you make. I think we are excited at the prospect of kids, just not babies... Bruce is actually drawn to babies a bit, so I'm sure we will be alright. Again, thank you for the kind words.

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  3. Hi Kate,
    Good for you to be wise and wait for the right time. You are right, this time alone together and young will never be the same after the little pink feet arrive, though a big blessing and a joy it is normal to feel scared about the changes they bring. I feel overwhelmed sometimes because, I fell pregnant while using contraception. We were only married a year. I do not regret the fact that my girls are in my life, they are my rose garden, my jewels! But I still feel sometimes that things would have been easier for my marriage if we just had three or four years alone. But God had something else in mind. Good luck, may God bless you with that kind of blessing on the right time!

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    1. Hi Joli! I appreciate the insight from your point of view. Some alone time is definitely good, but we've had plenty... I admit that it's time to stop being selfish. Glad to hear you've got beautiful healthy daughters!

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  4. It's good that you know going in that there will be challenges. I'm glad you're going in with eyes wide open! He'll catch you and carry you. Blessings as you "play" attempting to procreate. (wink wink)

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    1. LOL thanks, we will definitely continue to enjoy that part :)

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  5. I had experience with horrible post-partum depression with my oldest. You're welcome to email if you have questions or just want to talk. Babies tend to bring lots of unsolicited advice, so I won't offer any. Please know you can ask though. Blessings :)

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    1. I hope you meant that, because I will definitely be emailing you in the months to come. Thank you so much for the offer!

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  6. Post-partum depression is no fun. I experienced it to some degree with each of my three pregnancies, the worst being my second in which several major life changes followed in the months immediately after giving birth. I can tell you that after addressing my condition thoroughly -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I was very well equipped going into my third pregnancy to prevent and handle any symptoms as they arose. For me, just continuing counseling and knowing how to be proactive in my symptoms made a huge difference for me in every way in preventing another serious bout of depression. Every person is different, but I believe that just the awareness that you have of your susceptibility going into pregnancy will equip you and empower you to deal with whatever happens during it and after. Good for you for being so self-aware already, Kate. You also have an enormous support in your amazing husband and friends that love you and will be there to help every step of your way. In regards to alternative punishments, hmmm...we've been using more of those around here lately that do seem effective, different but effective....we'll email ;) Love ya!

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