Two nights ago we had a huge fight that escalated into a yelling match. This used to happen two or three times a month, but since starting DD back in January it has thankfully only happened twice. I would venture to say that if we were always cognizant of the tool of domestic discipline it would never happen. A major factor in these yelling matches is… me. I get emotional, I feel I’m being misunderstood, and I escalate the intensity of the situation way too high way too soon. The other night was no exception; I am embarrassed to even think back to all of the stupid things I said, or rather yelled.
Bruce tried to diffuse the situation, but to no avail. In total frustration he finally got up, grabbed the paddle, and demanded I get into position. I almost immediately started sobbing, but I knew he was right to force me to stop. When he spoke again I could tell he had checked his anger; he quietly reiterated that I have to stop when he says it’s time to stop. I still strongly felt that we needed to discuss further, but at that point I knew that trying to do so would be unwise. Instead I continued to cry as I wordlessly got into position. Bruce has stated before that I sometimes do not “deserve” a warm-up, and this was clearly one of those times. Oh, it hurt so badly! It felt like he was paddling me much harder than usual, but it somehow hurts more when I know he is upset, so maybe that was why it felt so harsh. There is something about the vulnerability of lying there bare, submitting to correction from the man I love, that penetrates so deeply into my psyche every single time... Suddenly the issues of our fight seemed very far away... The pain of every strike was extremely hard to take, but I am proud to say that -with the exception of lifting my head twice- I didn’t squirm around at all. Through my tears I begged for mercy and pleadingly apologized. Desperate for relief I tried to articulate why I was sorry, and it was then that I realized that I did feel truly sorry! We had both been unfair and had misunderstood each other, but I had been the one taking things too far. We have agreed before that I need to stop when he tells me to, and I had become so emotional that I had neglected to honor that agreement.
When he had first told me to get into position I felt so conflicted and angry with him. But when the spanking was over I felt sincerely sorry, and longed to be close to him. The logic behind this is hard to grasp; he was faced with a stubborn wife who became relentlessly malicious and refused to understand, and instead of demonstrating patience he demanded I submit to a severe spanking… and incredibly enough, doing so immediately brought contrition and softness. Why does this work so well? I believe it is because administering/submitting to a spanking returns us to the essence of our true natures: I desire to submit, he desires to lead, and we are forced to remember that when we go through these physical actions. Bruce has said before that it works not because it is complicated, but because it is simple. He said that when we do this “We both know exactly what it means, and we both know exactly why we are doing it- period.” Yeah, I guess that is pretty simple.
…Have I mentioned that I adore that man? :)