I cannot explain how crazy my life has gotten this past month. All the while I have been itching to blog though, and two nights ago I experienced something so blog-worthy that I had to make time. I was ready with dinner when Bruce walked in the door; I have been getting so good at this! But now that work is really picking up I can see that it will be a major struggle to keep at it. There is something about rushing home to make myself and the house look as appealing as possible before he gets there... it is almost freeing to offer this gift to him. And much to my surprise, I like dolling up, straightening the house, and setting the perfect ambiance. On days where I'm really on top of it I manage to be completely freshened up (cuter underwear, polished hair & makeup, perfume, etc.), have the house fully straightened, and the table set with candles, etc. It's like the more I do, particularly after working all day, the more he sees how much I love him. He is absolutely delighted every single time, and seeing that reaction from him makes all the effort so worth it.
But of course, those are the evenings when I'm really on top of it. Compared to life pre-DD he does generally come home to a more appealing home (and wife), but I rarely have everything just the way it should be; either I am running late and not prepared, or I am prepared but in a not-so-submissive funk. Or he is in a not-so-appreciative funk. Or both. Yep, the other night was a both kind of night. To make matters worse we had to discuss an issue that is really important to me, and I was really upset. I stated my case, and he agreed with me. He apologized for his portion of things, we talked about how it could be handled differently in the future, and that was it. At least that should have been it. Unthinkingly emotional, I continued to emphasize how hurt I was. He tried to calm me down repetitively, and finally said "Okay you're no longer trying to talk with me, now you're just bitching at me." Somewhere within me I knew his words were totally true, but I only cried harder. Having had enough he told me to go into the bedroom, but I was practically hysterical at this point. I begged, promised to stop, and begged some more; it wasn't that I was scared of being spanked, but it just felt like the last thing we should be doing in the midst of such an important issue. A little startled by my desperation, he didn't push the issue, but silently sat back down. As promised I said nothing, but I remember feeling so thwarted, like there was still so much more to discuss. I cried into my dinner, and continued to cry into the dishes as I cleaned up.
Once I finally calmed down, I could see things clearly again. Not only had he actually been very understanding, but I had hurt him through all that I had blurted out. Wow. He had been totally right to spank me in that moment, and not only had I not seen it but I had practically denied him the opportunity. What?? That is so the opposite of what this is all about! I trust him to use this responsibly, so... I trust him to use this responsibly. Total submission is my end of the agreement. Even if it had been unfair, we would have worked through all of that later and everything would have been fine. But it was fair. Not only was it fair, but he would have saved me from saying all of the nasty things that I ended up saying! I couldn't have felt more terrible. It was like I had ruined the whole system.
The next night I apologized again for fighting so hard against being spanked. I told him I knew that it wasn't my place to do that, and that I will try hard to never do that again in the future. He agreed that it wasn't my place, and admitted that he was a little thrown by my desperate insistence. He acknowledged that he should have spanked me anyway, and when I reiterated that I was the one messing things up, he said "You would have submitted if I would have insisted. You and I both know that." In saying this he was reassuring me, and holding himself to a high level of accountability all at once. Even though this should have made me feel lousier, I was touched. I asked him to forgive me and he said "I do. I'm over it. But you're clearly not." He was right.
Before bed he initiated intimacy. But before we could really get into it he suddenly stopped and got the paddle. I got into position, and he gave me a brief but hard spanking. After intimacy we held each other, and he drifted off to sleep. In reflecting, it was obvious that he had spanked me in order to make me feel better... and it had worked! Hmm. So throughout the course of the evening we had argued, I had crossed a line, he tried to stop me, and I fought him on that. He relented, I felt guilty, and he not only forgave me but accepted part of the blame in neglecting to use DD to it's full capacity. In other words I messed up, he was gracious. I messed up again, and he was gracious again. And then he was kind enough to try to assuage my guilt so that I could fully enjoy our being intimate together. Throughout the evening he could not possibly have shown any more empathy and understanding, and I could not have shown any more selfishness. What a man! As I began to drift off to sleep myself, I was struck anew by how inappropriate it had been for me to make my submission conditional. In there even such a thing? I resolved in that moment to submit unconditionally, regardless of the circumstance. I had agreed to do as much in the first place, and over and over he has shown me that he is worthy of even more than that. I know I'll mess up and do stupid things again. But no matter what happens, I absolutely must give him the gift of submitting, no matter how hard it may seem in the moment. Not only is it possible for me to do this, but it is necessary!