Thursday, September 3, 2015

Sometimes Love Hurts!

So recently I was stressed, from like every possible angle. I knew it was coming; I even had the presence of mind to acknowledge it to Bruce and ask that he help me keep it together. Specifically I asked him to insist on my submissiveness, to not let me backslide. He said he was unwilling to fight with me over it, but outside of that he promised he would do what he could to help me.

Wow is he a man of his word. After an exceptionally stressful week my OCD was at it's worst on that Friday night. I ended up getting severely paddled before bed, and slept on my side all night. I went to sleep fairly peacefully, but in the morning I found myself arguing with Bruce before we even got out of bed. He asked me to stop, and the moment I neglected to do so he got out of bed, grabbed the paddle, and made me roll over right then and there. As usual I started to cry, and after a considerable start he began pausing between strikes, asking me to explain my behavior. Why did I feel upset so soon after waking? Why had I treated him like he was the enemy? Why had I decided to raise my voice? Having no good answers I merely responded with "I don't know" or "I shouldn't have," and even tried making no answer at all, but I got spanked even harder for that. I finally cried something along the lines of "Please don't make me answer- anything I say will just make you more upset!" He asked why that was, and I painfully acknowledged that I had neglected to think things through before starting the argument. I gingerly got dressed, and we went out for breakfast.

After breakfast he told me I needed to start the laundry and then take some time to do something relaxing. I felt vaguely frustrated, but kept my mouth closed and obeyed. A few hours later I rolled my eyes at a comment he made, and without hesitation he sent me back to the bedroom again. Afterward he hugged me and said that he would be expecting me to be respectful no matter how uncomfortable I was. Once I could think past the discomfort I found his increased insistence in this to be very loving; he knew that staying submissive through my stress was important to me, and he was willing to take the extra time and energy to help me achieve that. After dinner that evening we went for a walk, and I noticed that I was already starting to feel grumpy over starting the workweek again. Bruce noticed too, so when we got home I found myself across his lap getting paddled for the fourth time in twenty-four hours! By the end each strike literally took my breath away.

His increased bossiness continued Sunday morning. He was very insistent about my being ready on time, so I scrambled to get ready and got out the door when he told me to. On the way to Church I disagreed with him slightly abruptly, and he said "do you want to say that again?" I did appreciate his authoritative attitude, but I just felt so weak at having so little control that I stupidly said it again out of spite. I knew it wasn't worth it as soon as it came out of my mouth, and sure enough the moment we got home he steered me straight into the bedroom. The fact that this was my fifth correction in one weekend had no bearing on the severity of the spanking; it was as long and as hard as ever. Afterward it hurt to walk :'(

That night as we sat on the couch (me mostly on my side) I told him that all of his demands and expectations throughout the weekend had admittedly made me feel frustrated and weak, and that the spankings were so painful when they happened so close together. Still, I told him that I knew he had been so authoritative because he truly valued that it was important to me. I let him know that all of his extra energy in this had shown me how much he loves and cares for me. He held me tight and said "I do love you baby. And I am going to help you remember to be the woman that you say you want to be." I could have melted. Will our practice of DD remain this consistent in the thick of his additional workload or my compounded work stress? Probably not. But throughout this one particular weekend he clearly indicated that he is all in- he is willing to do what it takes to help me stay on track, even though that isn't his responsibility. I am determined to remember this when I am selfishly feeling neglected. He has shown me that he is extremely committed when possible, and this makes me want to work all the harder to be the submissive wife that he deserves <3