Sunday, November 29, 2015

I have an announcement...

Okay, so here it is: Bruce and I are expecting a baby girl in May! We were so fortunate to conceive within the second month of trying, and the timing couldn't be better with my job. We are so excited, and totally surprised that it's a girl, as boys seem to be a lot more common in both of our families. To be honest I always sort of expected to have a boy, and am only just now considering the reality of raising a girl. Have I mentioned how deeply that Bruce and I are in love? I am honored to have a baby that is half his, and now we get to share that love with her- this makes the whole process even more beautiful. I'm in the second trimester, and hearing her little heartbeat was truly life changing. Lots of big changes to come in our future!

This is a weird thing to share on a blog, particularly one related to domestic discipline, but in my hesitance to share I have neglected my blog more than I wish. As we have modified our practice of DD to some degree, I've recently been blogging about times that happened further in the past. This works fine, but when I don't have a relevant past event in mind I often simply don't blog at all, and I really don't like that.

A large part of my hesitation comes from the controversy among the DD community about spanking during pregnancy, as some fear that it may be unsafe. I wondered as much myself before conceiving, so I reached out for some answers: not only is Bruce a medical professional himself, but in the beginning of my pregnancy I flat out asked my gynecologist if spanking was okay, and he verified that it was... It was sort of a humorous conversation actually; when I asked him he hesitated momentarily, and then said "I'm sorry, what is it you're wondering about?" I had tried to ignore the awkwardness of repeating the question and said "spanking, you know, as in kink in the bedroom." (...I figured this was much simpler than saying something like "spanking, you know, like when my husband feels I am out of line...") Anyway, he actually chuckled, then said "yes, that's perfectly fine." He smirked a little and added "he's not hitting your stomach, is he?" I confirmed that he was not, and he reiterated that it was completely safe.

While we have modified our use of spanking since we found out, and intend to stop entirely once we reach a certain point in the pregnancy, I realize that some may feel that even this is unsafe. Even so I do ask that you please respect our choice and refrain from sharing any judgements you may feel. I trust the medical expertise of my gynecologist, as well as the medical expertise of my own husband. We feel very confident that what we are doing now has absolutely zero potential of being harmful to our developing baby girl.

During our downtime Bruce assures me that we will keep a running tally for any major offenses, and I don't doubt the validity of that one bit! So we've got a plan for the remainder of the pregnancy, but what about once May does arrive; how will a little one affect our practice of DD? Quite a bit, I imagine. But Bruce assures me that we are committed to this for the long haul, so a blip or two along the way is not really anything to worry about. I am nervous and excited to share this next chapter with my soul mate, and honestly I am relieved that we will have the tool of DD to use at this juncture, particularly because it has proven to be really useful at minimizing the ill-effects of stress... not that we'll be experiencing any of that in the next year or so...

Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Low Points

And then there's the times when DD leaves you confused and in tears rather than resolved and peaceful. One such time happened not too long ago: I arrived home late after a very long day, and before pulling into the garage I straightened up my makeup and replied to several texts. Soon Bruce appeared in the doorway, clearly frustrated at my being outside. I pulled in and came in the house, and was soon met with angry questions about what I had been doing in the driveway. I explained, but this only made things worse. He said it seemed sneaky, like I was hiding something from him. Although he knew this wasn't the case, he was angry that I had allowed this to happen again after repeated requests for me to stop.

Before I could unpack all of my things on the kitchen counter he emerged from the bedroom with the big lexan paddle in his hand. I whimpered a little, but stayed silent as he bent me forward and removed my pants and underwear. Each strike was so hard, and by the sixth and final strike I had definitely had enough. When he replaced the paddle and returned to the kitchen I could see that he was still angry, and then I started to cry. Please could he just forgive me, I was sorry to have stayed in the driveway... he said he did forgive me, but he couldn't help feeling frustrated that it had happened so many times already. He tried to help me calm down, and then asked me why I didn't just do those things in the house rather than sitting in the driveway. I felt that this was frustratingly obvious- once I walked in the door there was no time for things like that. I told him so, but he felt (rightly) that my tone was disrespectful and I ended up on the receiving end of the paddle once again. This time was even harder to take as I had just been spanked a few minutes ago, and I cried even more.

We had begun the evening out of sorts, him angry and me an emotional mess. Two spankings later nothing had changed, save for a heightened state of anger and emotion. Feeling so tired and vulnerable I just kept crying. Finally I asked him again if he could please forgive me, and he concernedly repeated that he had already done so. I unthinkingly said I felt that he hadn't (he hates when I suggest that he doesn't mean what he says) and he immediately barked out an order to go retrieve the paddle. I cried harder and begged him to change his mind, which only made him more upset. This time he made me bend over the coffee table; when he is really upset he always has me bend over the furniture rather than lay across his lap. Not only does bending further usually hurt more, but it feels far less personal to me, and I hate it. Afterward I was incredibly sore and exhausted, so I made up my mind to stay calm and quiet, no matter what. I did, and he again apologized. I apologized back, and resisted a serious urge to burst into tears again.

I knew that I truly needed to let it go, at least for the time being, but that didn't make it feel any better. Logically it made sense to calm down, but I didn't want to- I just wanted to keep crying. We sat on the couch together afterward and watched a show, but some part of me still felt oddly vulnerable. I nestled into his arm which helped a little, but the feeling of vulnerability definitely pervaded. Nonetheless, by this point we were essentially at a stalemate: I had nothing productive to say, and he was tired of discussing it anyway. Really, I don't think there would have been any more effective way to come back from it, save for dropping it as we did. Anyone else ever experience anything like this? I accept that times like these are part of the journey, but they are really still just really hard :(