Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Low Points

And then there's the times when DD leaves you confused and in tears rather than resolved and peaceful. One such time happened not too long ago: I arrived home late after a very long day, and before pulling into the garage I straightened up my makeup and replied to several texts. Soon Bruce appeared in the doorway, clearly frustrated at my being outside. I pulled in and came in the house, and was soon met with angry questions about what I had been doing in the driveway. I explained, but this only made things worse. He said it seemed sneaky, like I was hiding something from him. Although he knew this wasn't the case, he was angry that I had allowed this to happen again after repeated requests for me to stop.

Before I could unpack all of my things on the kitchen counter he emerged from the bedroom with the big lexan paddle in his hand. I whimpered a little, but stayed silent as he bent me forward and removed my pants and underwear. Each strike was so hard, and by the sixth and final strike I had definitely had enough. When he replaced the paddle and returned to the kitchen I could see that he was still angry, and then I started to cry. Please could he just forgive me, I was sorry to have stayed in the driveway... he said he did forgive me, but he couldn't help feeling frustrated that it had happened so many times already. He tried to help me calm down, and then asked me why I didn't just do those things in the house rather than sitting in the driveway. I felt that this was frustratingly obvious- once I walked in the door there was no time for things like that. I told him so, but he felt (rightly) that my tone was disrespectful and I ended up on the receiving end of the paddle once again. This time was even harder to take as I had just been spanked a few minutes ago, and I cried even more.

We had begun the evening out of sorts, him angry and me an emotional mess. Two spankings later nothing had changed, save for a heightened state of anger and emotion. Feeling so tired and vulnerable I just kept crying. Finally I asked him again if he could please forgive me, and he concernedly repeated that he had already done so. I unthinkingly said I felt that he hadn't (he hates when I suggest that he doesn't mean what he says) and he immediately barked out an order to go retrieve the paddle. I cried harder and begged him to change his mind, which only made him more upset. This time he made me bend over the coffee table; when he is really upset he always has me bend over the furniture rather than lay across his lap. Not only does bending further usually hurt more, but it feels far less personal to me, and I hate it. Afterward I was incredibly sore and exhausted, so I made up my mind to stay calm and quiet, no matter what. I did, and he again apologized. I apologized back, and resisted a serious urge to burst into tears again.

I knew that I truly needed to let it go, at least for the time being, but that didn't make it feel any better. Logically it made sense to calm down, but I didn't want to- I just wanted to keep crying. We sat on the couch together afterward and watched a show, but some part of me still felt oddly vulnerable. I nestled into his arm which helped a little, but the feeling of vulnerability definitely pervaded. Nonetheless, by this point we were essentially at a stalemate: I had nothing productive to say, and he was tired of discussing it anyway. Really, I don't think there would have been any more effective way to come back from it, save for dropping it as we did. Anyone else ever experience anything like this? I accept that times like these are part of the journey, but they are really still just really hard :(

2 comments:

  1. Kate,
    Things seem really hard right now. Let's email one another and talk.
    Meredith

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Meredith, that sounds great :)

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