Sunday, March 13, 2016

New Oportunities for Surrender

The past few weeks have been interesting for Bruce and me. He told me any real spankings were over until our baby girl arrives, but that it would be in my best interest to behave. I've sure been trying, but there are so many stressful life changes for us right now! Two weekends ago we had a particularly heated discussion about family helping with the baby- we both got frustrated, and I started crying, raising my voice, and talking disrespectfully. Finally he told me to go into the bedroom. I panicked that he was going to spank me against his better judgment, so I just stood there crying until he grabbed my arm and steered me into the room himself. He had me bare myself and bend over the bed, then came close to me and said firmly but softly "You're not getting a spanking. Calm down." Then it hit me: he was going to use the capsaicin cream.

I started to panic anew, but forced myself to calm down; we had double-checked that it was totally safe, and months ago before I was even pregnant he had even had me test a patch of it on my wrist to be sure I didn't have any reaction. But I was still so nervous! I inwardly talked to myself: "I definitively know that this is safe. He has medical expertise. He loves me. He will make sure that this is not more than I can take..." To avoid touching the stuff himself he squeezed some onto the Lexan paddle and gently but thoroughly applied it exactly where I am normally paddled. His "twist" was one hard smack with the paddle once it was applied, after which he told me to remain in position. Already it was starting to burn, but I held still and met his eyes while he lectured... I've been getting too worked up over things that we cannot foresee, I need to trust him when he says that we'll work through it together, I cannot speak to him that way, I am always allowed to revisit a topic later so when he tells me to stop I absolutely must stop... By now it felt like my backside was on fire, and after we hugged I told him as much. He said "I know it does. It's going to feel like that for a long time. Use it to reflect on how you need to use more self-control and trust." He told me to redress, which only made it worse, and before long I was fighting tears again. It felt exactly like the moments immediately following a harsh spanking, only it wasn't fading. He rubbed my arm and reminded me that I was very safe, and that this was simply a consequence that would last longer than a typical spanking. I knew he was right, but the unknown is still so unnerving! Boy was it humbling to go through the rest of our evening feeling like that- I was perfectly submissive without even thinking about it. After about an hour I asked him if he could check to make sure my skin was ok, and he took me into the bathroom and showed me that everything was normal- no redness or anything. I felt totally miffed: how could it possibly not even be red if it felt this intense!? By the time we got in bed about three hours later it had begun to subside; it still burned, but the fact that it was lessening made me feel incredibly relieved. I woke in the night to a renewed burning sensation, and when Bruce stirred he had me go into the bathroom where he wiped it off with a cold rag. He told me it wouldn't eliminate the burning, but would help it subside enough that I could get some sleep. By morning it was only a faint burn, and throughout the course of the day it subsided entirely. I'm ashamed to say that he has used it once again since then, but I am carefully avoiding it at all costs.

So we've entered a new realm of submission that requires a different kind of trust and acceptance. Actually, it feels a lot like what lies ahead as we prepare for a newborn in just two months time: uncertainty over the unknown, trepidation, and yet willingness/desire to move forward in spite of it all. I suppose from here on out it's all about embracing the unknown together, and pressing forward in spite of uncertainty. I know that God will take care of us in this; if I can learn to let go and trust my husband, I can absolutely apply the same concept to my perfect Creator. Trust. Acceptance. Surrender. I may not have it down yet but I'm working on it, and getting better all the while.