Hello again blog. I've missed you.
Bruce and I are nearing the home stretch before delivery: the renovations are all done, the nursery is looking homier and more organized everyday... And the really exciting part is that in a few weeks I will be on an extended maternity leave!
As we anticipate life in those first three crazy months after birth, the "fourth trimester," we have a lot to think about. Of course more than anything we are crazy excited to finally hold our sweet little one in our arms. Still, we are staying realistic about what will accompany this bliss. For starters, my OCD will be at its absolute worst with a tiny newborn to worry about, and also makes post-partum depression a major concern. Bruce will be taking a week or two of paternity leave to fight this as well as possible, and I am so thankful for that. DD has been incredibly helpful in shutting down my OCD, so we have discussed at length how it might be a really important tool during this time... or rather Bruce has asserted at length while I cringingly express acceptance. Spanking-wise, the physicality of giving birth is a WAY intense process that we have never been through, so we both know that this may factor into things in a way that we just can't anticipate until it happens. But Bruce assures me that we will be using DD more than ever, albeit with physicality only if/when it is feasible.
So there it is: life with a newborn, sleeplessness, maternal instincts galore... and no respite from the ever-challenging journey of becoming a submissive wife. I've heard enough from other women, submissive or otherwise, to know that this can be a really trying time in a marriage, so I am truly and sincerely thankful that we will have DD during this time; not only will it help us to maintain order and connection, but it will help me to avoid being regrettably overbearing and bossy. Even still, I can't deny that it sounds impossibly, overwhelmingly difficult. In fact, I actually have yet to meet another couple that has practiced DD during this time. I've spoken with several who reiterate in retrospect that this would have been an ideal time to use it, but none that actually have. Even though I'm sure it will be a modified and not-so-consistent version of DD, perhaps we are crazy to employ it at all in the first place? I suppose time will tell.
Another factor I can't get past... not to be over personal, but how will the physicality of an actual spanking look without even the potential for intimacy afterward during that first month or two? My on-the-spot corrections rarely involve intimacy anyway, but maintenance and the more significant, formal corrections nearly always end in our reconnecting that way. Admittedly this re-connection is not tender after a formal correction, but it is extremely important nonetheless. If we find that I can handle the physicality of a spanking that soon after birth, I wonder what the aftermath of such spankings will look like.
In the end I know we will be stronger for continuing to sharpen our marital roles even in the face of such significant change. But combined with the unpredictability of a newborn it will be an exhausting lesson for me in accepting that things are truly and completely outside of my control. This is what I've been praying about- finding the line between preparing fully and just giving it over to God. I'm a planner and a do-er, so I've been incredibly thorough in choosing the right monitor, crib, bathtub, bassinet, etc. But when it comes to the safety of our precious baby girl it is ridiculous to rely more heavily on my own intentions and plans than those of the Creator Himself. I don't ever doubt that He is more capable than me, yet I often fail to see past my own plans and intentions to simply let go and trust Him... but this is exactly what I have to do if I want things to unfold as they should. So I guess in a smaller way this is what I must do in my marriage. After all, it is the same trustworthy Creator who ordains such marital order (not specifically Domestic Discipline of course, but that my husband be the head of our home and of our relationship). So even in my marriage I will need to trust this order, and thus my husband, more than my own plans and intentions.
Less than an hour ago Bruce reiterated that we'll be plunging back into the physicality of DD "in full swing, pun intended," as soon as possible. Yikes. And we both know that the intensity of a newborn will be at max capacity as well. What a wild three months lie ahead of us! More than ever, I am relieved to have this blog- I imagine I'll have more to process about submission and control in the coming weeks than I have in my entire life.