Thursday, June 9, 2016

And We're Back

I climbed into bed exhausted and frustrated after nearly an hour of trying to get my baby girl to settle down and sleep. Bruce, who had been doing the same, climbed in behind me and put his arm around me. "It's ok baby, it will start getting easier soon." I felt so depleted that I didn't even have the will or the capacity to cry... "I don't care, lets's just survive the next few months and then we can start living again." I could tell from the way he tensed slightly that he didn't approve of the statement. And rightly so; I knew I had a particularly ungrateful attitude considering all of the blessings we've been given... a great marriage, a good home, a beautiful healthy baby girl... It's just that I was so frustrated and tired! We talked for another few minutes, and I did soften my attitude but I still couldn't deny the way I was feeling. Among other things I lamented that he and I had virtually no time to interact in any of the ways we use to; achieving any sense of normalcy simply seemed impossible! Suddenly Bruce heaved a sigh and got out of bed. He shut the door, and when I heard the big Lexan paddle slide off the dresser I cringed.

I feebly pleaded, but he was suddenly in my ear: "Do you want to try to tell me that you don't need this right now?" I mumbled something about feeling we could just talk about it, but he dismissed the idea with a simple 'no' as he flipped me onto my stomach. When he pulled down my pants and underwear I pleaded again; we had only just returned to bare spankings a few days before, and I had handled the pain terribly. In fact my recent failure to physically submit after such a long break was one of the many things that had me feeling blue.

He didn't do much lecturing this time. By taking these moments to indeed interact in a way that we used to interact, his point was made. Wow, has our break from spanking taken a toll on me physically; even the warmup had me squirming. But remembering how disappointed I had been at my submission the other night, I fought hard to hold still as he began using the paddle. I gripped a handful of bedding and pressed my jaw and arms into the bed, but after several strikes the pain was so intense that I was screaming into my pillow. Eventually it was so unbearable that I tried to move out of position, but he held me in place. He paused to allow me to regain my composure, and I forced myself to settle back into position. Although I was already extremely sore, he continued with the paddle just as hard as before. And then I found myself in a familiar but recently forgotten place: I had reached my pain tolerance limit, but was still being paddled nonetheless. Having surpassed my pain threshold like this it was clear that I was not in control... while I do fully trust him with my body, it is incredibly overwhelming to give myself over to someone else that completely. Broken and sobbing hard, I resigned myself completely to the spanking. When it was finally over he set the paddle aside and came close to me putting his arms around me as I continued to cry. What would he do next? Bruce knew that my doctor had just cleared me for intimacy, but had also suggested that intercourse would probably be too painful for another week or two. He also knew that I was feeling scared to do it again, and yet craved the connection that it offered. I felt his big strong body press into mine as he spoke softly into my ear: "We're going to do this, okay? I will be gentle." It thrilled me that he wasn't asking, that he knew I was his if he wanted me. I can't deny that it was incredibly painful, but he was gentle as promised, and it was absolutely incredible for both of us.

I think it's safe to say that we're officially back. I've been re-familiarizing myself with the weakening feeling of not having the final say, and I'm settling back into the practice of thinking very carefully before reacting to things that upset me. Bruce has dutifully become even more dominant and strict than before, at least for the time being. In fact, everyday since the above incident I've been paddled multiple times, with at least one long and intense "formal" spanking all but one night. He's even finding new little ways to push my submission during spankings. Caring for a newborn while relearning the art of acquiescing is quite the task, and I'm sure Bruce would agree that leading us back into the appropriate roles at such a time is even more of a challenge. We've not been perfectly in synch or even perfectly consistent, but we've both been trying harder for the sake of the other person. For now that's all we've got, but for now it's more than enough :)