Sunday, December 11, 2016

When Life Gets Intense

Hello everyone, sorry I've been gone so long. I've had plenty to blog about but absolutely no time to sit down and do it. Bruce is lately considering making it a rule that I post more regularly because he knows how it helps me process, and I almost wish he would. Life has just been crazier now than ever before- we are both working more than full time, one of us is also pursuing a further degree, and we have a seven month old baby. And then of course there's the added stress of being quite pregnant again... did I mention that?

What a blessing for us to be able to conceive again so soon and raise our kids close together like we've always dreamed. We are so grateful! Heaps of blessings and benefits come with this decision that we were graciously allowed to make. Still, the next year or two will be a lot of work, and that is understating things incredibly! Both Bruce and I are worn out and spread thin, both physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I know things will only get more intense from here.

So what does DD look like when both partners are emotionally and physically spent? I'm sure it looks different for every couple, but I will share what it looks like here. I do consider myself blessed that for us DD never diminishes or fades to the background when times get tough. But practicing DD under such stress definitely has its low points. For one thing we both become more flawed in our roles; I inadequately submit by becoming disrespectful and emotional, while he inadequately leads by being angry and less considerate. I'm putting it nicely, but I assure you things got pretty ugly in the heat of our exhaustion. In fact, it would be dishonest not to admit that we actually reached a point where I approached him about taking a break from DD, possibly permanently. I never thought I would consider such a thing, and I'm ashamed that things got that bad. But domestic discipline is intense stuff- it is delicate, vulnerable, and deeply personal. Misuse on either end is emotionally taxing on both parties. But we did a lot of praying and from there we were able to do a lot more listening; by now I'm happy to report that we have found our way out of the destructive cycle of feeling underappreciated and back into focusing on meeting the other's needs above our own... not that this happens every time, but we at least have it's importance in the forefront of our minds when things start to go wrong.

But even now that we are being more considerate and careful, things look different when we are this overworked. I've found that the maintenance I get is more needed, brings me to tears even faster, and leaves me feeling more deeply contented and connected. The corrections though are rough, much more challenging than they ever have been before. My emotions are already running high when they start (sometimes his are as well), and I always feel a desperate panic to be doing anything other than going over his knee- it just feels especially unfair, extremely exhausting, and honestly I dread the pain more than ever. I know that he isn't spanking me any harder than usual, but when he uses the lexan paddle or looped cane (which is nearly every time) it takes a mere ten strikes or so before I am past my limit and in tears. Part of this is surely the exhaustion, but Bruce says that some of it also has to do with the physicality of pregnancy (he is medical, remember). Again we confirmed with our gynecologist that spanking is perfectly safe for pregnancy, but nonetheless a lot of things go on in a pregnant woman's body to make pain and other discomforts more unbearable than usual. He certainly does cater to my needs in many areas because of this, but thankfully discipline is not one of them.

A correction two nights ago is a great example of the typical corrections I've been receiving in the past few months: a lot has fallen apart at work because I am unable to consistently give 100% or more. Well-meaning friends and family hear this and say things like "I know you want things to be perfect, but..." which makes me crazy because I'm not talking about things being less than perfect, I'm saying that my job is so nuts that not going above and beyond leaves things in a dysfunctional mess to the point of not even maintaining the basics. In lamenting the fact to Bruce I felt certain that he too did not understand the degree to which things are falling apart. He insisted that he did understand, but I felt that wasn't true. Although I was calm and reserved, I couldn't help but be a bit tearful. Before long he set everything down and gently took my arms and led me into the bedroom. Immediately the tears flowed harder and I expressed extreme preference to avoid this scenario, which he of course disregarded completely. After arguing against discipline too many times in the past few months I've finally learned that no matter how stressed I am I must at the very least shut my mouth after stating how I feel. After all, this is the deal we agreed upon. I am hardly giving him control if I argue against his decision to discipline every time it feels unfair.

While gently but firmly bending me over the bed he explained why I was being spanked- I have to believe him when he says he understands... it is insulting to suggest that he doesn't get the ridiculousness of my workload... I need to have a better attitude (a common theme of mine lately)... I was already crying and the first several strikes were as painful as ever, but I tried to focus on his voice and think past it. As the lecture continued he removed my pants and underwear, and I sobbed harder at the thought of feeling more pain. Several strikes after that I was crying very hard, and when he stopped his voice was soft but firm. He replaced the paddle while I waited, and when he told me I could stand he hugged me and reiterated that he loves me but that I need to improve my negative thinking. Lately this leaves me feeling nowhere near settled, but I am also relearning how to set those feelings aside and reconsider them after a few hours when I can think more clearly.

So a lot of what I'm doing now is relearning the submission that my severe stress and exhaustion has destroyed. It is frustrating to have backslid when I worked so hard to get where I was, but that's just the way it is so I've got to deal with it and do my best to move forward. I must say that now when being corrected I am truly desperate for anything other than the loss of even more control in my life. But feeling/being completely out of control, hitting rock bottom in this, it can be enlightening- it puts things into perspective. In those moments of weakly submitting I am forced to realize that his love for me, his authority and my acquiescing to it, is real and right. The significance of this forces the messy house, my chaotic job, my expanding belly, and my general feeling of inadequacy to fade into the background. I am thankful for a husband that doesn't give up on trying to bring that perspective home to me. And although DD is tough in times like these, it is more needed and I am more thankful for it than ever before.

5 comments:

  1. Congratulations on the coming addition to your family! Good gravy, Kate...you both have a lot on your plate...cut yourself some slack. Personally, I discovered years ago that the more negativity I allow in my mind, the less likely I am to be able to handle everything...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Sending prayers and positive energy for you and your growing family.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. You are so right about the negativity- it is the first thing I get in trouble for when things get tough, but I know it does nothing but hurt the situation. Thank you for the advice and prayers!

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    1. Thanks for the kind words. Yes the failures are rough, but if we learn from them that's all that matters, right? As aspiring submissive wives we're all in this together! And yes, overall it really is wonderful :)

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  3. Hi, Kate,
    Thanks for visiting my blog and your sweet words of advice and encouragement. I love your post here. I can so empathize with letting negativity setting in and getting in trouble for it. It's tough, but pregnancy and raising a baby too, been there done that, would so do it again in a heart beat but who the hormones can drive you a bit nuts some days. Hope things settle down for you and your hubby soon.
    --Baker

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