Sunday, January 29, 2017

Unconditional Submission

Well Sunday night has arrived, and here I am. A few hours ago I was complaining about all that needs done this evening when Bruce suddenly said "so when during all of that will you be working on your blog?" His tone made it clear that he wasn't really asking a question at all, so I rearranged my priorities and found the time. As usual he is right- the things that seem important often aren't, and the things I never get around to are sometimes the things that need the most attention.

This is a common theme, his directing me in a way I disagree with only to find later that he was pushing me in exactly the right direction after all. It reinforces to me the logic behind God's directive for the man to be the leader even though both are of equal worth. Women really are better at several things than men, but that goes the other way around as well. And it turns out that this emotion and intuition that enables us to do so many things gracefully and effectively can sometimes get in the way of leading. Similarly their logical cut-and-dried approach actually enhances their capacity to make the right call for the family.

Ok I'm waxing religious here, but bear with me on this line of logic. Really God's model for us is pretty damn simple, but left to our own devices we've managed to complicate and convolute it beyond functionality. Even the directive to submit is simple. Ephesians 5:22 says: "Wives, be submissive to your husbands... the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head and Savior of the church..." Of course it also goes on to direct husbands to love their wives in a seriously self-sacrificing way, but both directives are clearly and undeniably independent of each other. It's not an if/then statement; it's unconditional. Society encourages us to lose sight of the unconditional aspect, but it's this aspect that is really the key to making it all work so beautifully.

Think about the simplicity of unconditional submission. Maybe it's because I over complicate everything, but I find serious freedom in this simplicity. For the first five years of our marriage I grappled with the task of determining how and when Bruce was worthy of my respect. Society shouted so many things in my ear... don't be a doormat, HE needs to respect YOU first, if you don't demand respect then you have no self-respect, you have it harder than he does anyway... It was exhausting. When I really honestly evaluate that time in my life, a major part of my heart was always aching to simply submit, but my brain prevented me from following my heart, making things incredibly complicated. Nowhere in the directive does "worthiness" factor in, and rightfully so. This is exactly why our general unworthiness is gently but emphatically made clear throughout the entire gospel; we are never truly worthy of His grace, so we can never under any circumstances feel qualified to judge. He knew that the world would only work right if people really knew they had no right to judge (of course it doesn't actually work right because we don't ever actually remember this!). But in the same way, He knew that a merit-based marriage would be doomed to failure, where an unconditionally committed and selfless marriage would only beget more unconditional love and selflessness in return.

Yeah it's still a struggle. But when the internal dialogue changes from "I would be submissive if only he would..." to "I need to be more submissive right now" everything becomes infinitely simpler. So much simpler than I understood it to be for so long. Once we quiet the voice of society and make the first move to swallow our pride, the rest is easy. I'll be honest that actually committing to doing this sometimes starts with a not so great feeling of obligation, and sometimes it really is a struggle the whole way through. Nonetheless, it almost always ends with a peaceful calm that simply feels right. Hmm... in this way I guess the whole process is actually a lot like the process of getting a really sound spanking ;)

Sunday, January 15, 2017

An Unforgettable Night & A Blogging Promise

Hi all! So I've mentioned the craziness of my life lately- not only am I too busy to properly focus on submission, but I have absolutely no time left to process the intensity and complexities of a DD marriage. Out of necessity I have learned to simply process less, but doing so leaves me, as Bruce simply puts it, "fussier." He knows that blogging helps me emotionally, but he also knows that there is so little time left at the end of the day that it is hard to pull my laptop out and center myself to do it.

So at Christmas he found a solution: he bought me a really nice keyboard for my iPad, with the promise of establishing a blogging "plan" with me. Two weeks ago today here's what he decided: Sundays are Bruce's guy nights- he games or nerds out on sports, and I collapse onto the portable mattress by the fireplace to do some online shopping or catch up on a show he'd never watch, usually falling asleep within an hour or so whether I want to or not. So the plan is that I use this time to blog, and every other Sunday, ready or not, I have to post something. Throwing together a post over the course of a sleepy hour or two isn't really my writing style, but as Bruce reminds me it's better than just not doing it. He says it's on a trial basis at the moment, and in February we will determine if it is something to enforce long term. He also promised there will be very unpleasant consequences if it doesn't happen, so here goes. It may not be pretty, but ready or not I will be posting this tonight!

Now for the Impending Doom part: when we started this lifestyle Bruce informed me that I would not receive advanced notice for any maintenance or formal punishment spankings. It is a ridiculous understatement to say I am a planner, so I hated this. But that's why he did it, and that's what I love most about our dynamic; he keeps it authentic by doing what he truly believes is best for me, even if it's something that I disagree with.

Nonetheless, a week or so ago he announced in the morning that a serious punishment spanking would take place that evening. Wow do I actually love not knowing ahead of time! I was over the top nervous by the end of the night, but I must admit that my head was in a way better place having gone through the mental anguish-I-mean-preparation of knowing it was coming all day. So after that night he decided that occasionally he would give me advanced notice, and a few days ago he did just that. We were planning to do dinner and a movie sans baby, and he told me in the car well before noon that I should expect a severe spanking by the end of the night- partially maintenance, and partially accumulation of several instances of poor submission. Again I stressed all day; his hard spankings are seriously awful, awful enough that the dread overshadowed even the likelihood that we would reconnect afterward.

But through the dread I dutifully meditated on how much more submissive I wish to be, and by evening I knew that I more than deserved what was coming, and I committed to staying still during the punishment to punctuate my contrition. Of course I was also desperately nervous! When the evening wound down and the time finally came he made sure to give me a thorough warm-up, and graciously eased me in with the paddle. Eventually the strikes were hard enough that I was crying out, but I stayed almost perfectly still, which he loves although he never expects it. In between sets of strikes he lectured me, and wow was his lecture good. He talked about the importance of submission; how I need to not questioning his decision making, and that I need to remember how much he loves the family and takes his responsibility to lead seriously- that one really got me crying. Between sentences he would give me several hard strikes, and more than once I felt an urgency for it to stop, but every time he just kept going. After what felt like a very long time he paused and caressed my burning backside. He gently explained that it wasn't over yet, but he acknowledged that I was incredibly sore, and said he was very proud of my stillness. When he resumed the spanking he began mixing pleasure with pain, and the tone of his lecture became more affectionate... he needs me to trust him because he loves me so much... he would do anything for me... he will always take care of me... well after I couldn't take anymore he finally finished as I lay over his lap sobbing, emotionally and physically utterly exhausted. He laid down the paddle and initiated intimacy. I love this moment in the whole process so much- not only is the spanking over, but he is pleased enough with me that he desires to take me and to reconnect with me again. Although it was definitely rough the intensity was mixed with a sort of affectionate touch that is hard to explain other than to say that it felt deliciously loving.

Afterward we lay together and I relished the fantastic exchange we'd just had. A lot of times he and I handle DD more poorly than I'd like to admit; we get lost in ourselves and forget to put the other first. A lot of times the most important parts of leadership and submission are absent, and although the frustration doesn't escalate like it did pre-DD, it is still sometimes the most prevalent feeling remaining. But not this time. This was one of the times we got it right. One of the times I need to read back through and remember in the times when things aren't working so well. But for now I will savor the glow that still remains from that night. For now he is leading and I am submitting, and we are enjoying a feeling of trust and love and affection that makes the harder times so completely and undeniably worthwhile.