Sunday, February 12, 2017

Maintenance/ Role Affirmation

Bruce and I are most definitely NOT the poster couple for Domestic Discipline. Nonetheless, for over two years now we've been pretty happily living this lifestyle, and among all of our blunders we have definitely found a few things that really make sense, for us at least. Maybe blogging about one of them will allow me to share with others and process things for myself all at once...

Maintenance/ Role Affirmation
I asked Bruce in the beginning if we could do this type of thing on a somewhat predictable schedule, but this is not at all in line with his personality (and I needed practice in accepting that things aren't always predictable and organized) so for us these are unscheduled and generally happen anywhere between two and five times a week.

While discipline spankings are horrible (but effective), and playful spankings are pleasurable, these types of spankings are a little of both. For us their function is to:
        - Display Dominance
        - Bring about Submission
        - Allow us to Reconnect
From my experience it is fruitless to expect that all of the above happen all of the time. Nonetheless when they do happen, wow. These are the things that make that happen for us:

1) They are past my tolerance limit
Bruce spanks hard. Of course he doesn't just wail on me thoughtlessly, he is always gauging my reactions, etc. But he errs on the side of too hard rather than too soft. He makes sure to achieve the point where I really feel I cannot take anymore, and then he takes me past it. When this happens the gravity of true submission is unavoidably present, and I am forced to realize anew that:
- I am really not in control
- This isn't about what I want, it's about what's best for me
- I've given control to someone I trust completely
- Surrendering control, while somewhat unpleasant, is surprisingly freeing

2) They are followed by intimacy
When he decides I've had enough he initiates intimacy. In this moment I feel relief, excitement, and a sort of sense of accomplishment. Oftentimes, but not always, the sex is rough, giving him and me one final and more pleasurable opportunity to respectively display dominance and submission. Here submission is still a focus, but meeting the other's intimate needs becomes the central focus. It's here that the pervading sensuality of the whole dynamic is laid out, beautiful, simple, and profound.

3) They end with affection
This is the part that ties it all together for me. I'm sorry to admit that when we are crunched for time or especially exhausted, this can get cut short and neglected. But when we're doing it right I nestle into his chest or the crook of his arm while he rubs my arm and tells me he loves me. Sometimes I am feeling needy and prod him to verbalize (if he hasn't already) that I have submitted well and that he is happy with me, but a lot of times we lay still together and not much is said- his gentle loving touch says everything. For me it drives home the point that he is doing all of this because he loves me, and for us women that is really the crux of it all. I can find peace with forfeiting quite a lot of my way and quell a host of emotions when I'm reminded that he loves me. There is really no better feeling in a marriage.

So there it is, this is what makes it work for us. I realize some would take issue with part or all of what I've outlined, but the beautiful thing that makes this dynamic even more intimate is that every couple is made up of two unique personalities and two unique ways of meeting each other's needs. The important thing is that we do meet each other's needs. And speaking of that, it looks like it's time for me to put this down for the night ;)


  1. Hi Kate,
    Sounds great! For us, unscheduled maintenace works better, too. Actually the three points you listed are nearly the same here.
    Hope you and your Baby doing well :)!
    Hugs Bibi

    1. Hi Bibi! Nice to hear that some of our dynamic is similar to another couple who "gets it." We are doing ok, especially considering the craziness that we are currently in the midst of... thank you for asking :)