Since I really am a bit of a control freak Bruce pretty much runs the show DD wise- the when, why, where, and how is always his deal. The idea is that I keep him informed about how I'm feeling, and he keeps that in mind as he makes decisions. But when time and energy is desperately lacking it is easy to just let him make the decisions and forget about the keeping him informed part. Since I'm an emotionally transparent person he can usually tell when I'm not communicating my needs, but I seriously have been so wiped out that even I haven't thought about how I'm feeling enough to realize that I wasn't communicating like I should have been.
But last week I was talking with a wise submissive friend of mine about submission amid exhaustion, and with her help I realized that I DO have some thoughts and feelings concerning our use of DD right now. Specifically I feel like I need more reiteration of my responsibility to submit, and more reassurance of his presence as leader. Of course meeting these needs is not solely Bruce’s responsibility. Still, we originally agreed that I would share how I’m feeling so I figured I would at least do that. And so when we crawled into bed a few nights ago I referenced a joke he made about my needing more maintenance, and admitted that more frequent maintenance may actually be helpful for me.
Funny how no amount of closeness relieves the awkwardness and humility of admitting that as an adult woman I may benefit from being spanked more frequently. Bruce and I tell each other everything, but it was still truly painful for me to spit out. He responded by agreeing that more maintenance would be good for me, and assured me that he would try to make it a more frequent occurrence. Not only is he unwilling (with good reason) to commit to a scheduled frequency, but lately there are at least three nights a week where I absolutely cannot stay awake past 9:00. So no promises, but I knew that he at least knew how I felt.
So flash forward to a few nights later, Bruce informed me before dinner that I would be getting heavy maintenance later that night. I asked for this, and I appreciated that he was following through. Logically I knew that going through this would help me, but emotionally and physically I already felt so desperate for it to NOT happen. As usual I was completely depleted at the end of the day, and nothing sounded worse than heavy maintenance. To make things worse, by 9:00 he was knee-deep in work and I was extremely exhausted. I asked if I could sleep on the couch until he was finished, and he said that was fine so long as I knew I would be getting it later on regardless. I really must have been tired because despite the heavy dread I was feeling that’s pretty much the last moment I remember until an hour or so later.
He woke me and we went downstairs. I immediately remembered what was coming, but said nothing as we brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. Soon after he told me to undress, and in no time at all I found myself over his lap on the bed. He gave me a long hard warmup and already I was fighting tears, perhaps a combination of physical exhaustion and increased blood blow during pregnancy. He gently told me that I needed to try to be stronger as it would be getting a lot worse. Sure enough, it took exactly three strikes with the lexan paddle before I was sobbing into the pillow. I wanted to stay calm but I really felt as if I couldn’t take it. Before long he was firmly insisting I quiet down and hold still as I was crying out into the pillow and struggling hard to stay in position. For the first time ever during maintenance I felt the need to tell him I love him, so I sobbingly did so when he paused between strikes. He softened momentarily as he assured me that he loves me too but that I was long overdue for a hard session. He even asked if I realized as much and I quickly agreed that he was right. I knew that he was but it didn’t make it any more emotionally or physically bearable. After what felt like an eternity it was finally over and he initiated intimacy. In fact, having reached a much needed emotional release it took a great deal of effort to stop crying even though the spanking had stopped. During intimacy I felt very reconnected to him, and I believe he felt the same. Afterward I laid in the crook of his arm and he told me that even though I had struggled he was proud of me for submitting. While I’m certain I will dread it just as much the next time, I did feel reassured of his leadership and reminded of my responsibility to submit. I hate the term “survival mode,” but we both truly are spent unlike ever before, and in a sense we are just trying to make it through right now. Still, we went out of our way to make it work; I went out of my way to pinpoint and articulate my feelings, and he went out of his way to accommodate my needs. Throughout the next few months we won’t always have enough energy left to go the extra mile. Still, it’s nice to know that we can do it when necessary. It’s even nicer to know that no matter how spent we are, doing so is totally worth it.