Sunday, July 30, 2017

Implements

Bruce commented the other day that he is really satisfied with his implement arsenal, and as it seems pretty well rounded and terrible from my perspective I figured it was worth a blog post. Of course, different things work for different people. Some D/s couples I know only use household items, or some HoHs prefer to make all of their implements by hand. Others simply buy them from spanking implement stores. Bruce does use household items on occasion, but not typically. And since he doesn't spend much time at his workbench, particularly when he is busy, we basically fall into the third category.

As far as acquiring them goes, Bruce expects me to do my research on this and present him with a few options before buying. He'll mention that we need a better paddle or a quiet implement, and tell me to get on it. When the DD forum was up and running someone had suggested using Caneiac.com, so that's the only place I've ever gone; their stuff seems... ah... built to last, and the packaging is super discreet which is nice. Embarrassingly enough we've ended up with more than one broken paddle, but even Bruce would say that those were a result of some pretty intense punishments. The site is a tad kinky for my taste, but really in the way of spanking paraphernalia stores I imagine it's about as tasteful as one could hope for. At any rate, here are the three spanking implements that currently reside in our home:

Lexan Paddle
This is Bruce's favorite, and he uses it alone or with the others for nearly every spanking. It is polycarbonate, the material used to make bulletproof glass, and is known for delivering an exceptionally excruciating sting. We originally had an acrylic paddle, and Bruce chose the lexan as a replacement since it was supposed to be "unbreakable" with a similar but way more intense sting. Bruce loves how it almost never leaves lasting marks regardless of intensity, but I rather hate that. It is horrible to experience unbearable pain only to wake the next morning and see that my backside looks nearly unscathed. When he uses it for a particularly long or harsh spanking it will leave a vague redness, but that's about it. So for all of the above reasons, I really hate the lexan paddle. But I suppose that's the point.

Looped Cane
When my mother in law offered to stay one night a week to help care for our babies, Bruce told me it was time to find a quiet implement. I have no idea why he specifically chose this one out of all of the "whippy" choices I presented him with, but it definitely fits the bill. I also hate this implement, although I am ambivalently grateful to be held accountable even when company is present. On a few rare occasions he has even pulled me aside with daytime visitors and used it. While it requires a great deal more control and restraint than the lexan paddle, I believe it is slightly less painful. But this one leaves marks almost every time.

Leather Strap
Bruce calls this one "cute," as it is not as painful as the other two. While it is admittedly less intense, I still say this implement leaves a deeper sting than the others. I've never been punished with it, but he has used it along with the others during maintenance, and it is usually the main implement for the rare occasions when I receive a good girl spanking.

So there's the list. Again, different things work for different couples. But since Bruce is all about intensity, and isn't one for considerable variety, these three implements work for us. I have a special kind of distaste for each of them, but I appreciate the purpose they serve. And I especially appreciate the man who uses them ;)

Sunday, July 16, 2017

A Submissive Challenge

Unconditional Respect: I believe very sincerely that this is the heart of true submission. It takes little to no effort to behave respectfully to Bruce when I am feeling appreciated, heard, honored, or loved; the challenge is to show respect when I am feeling under-appreciated, neglected, mistreated, etc. But doing so in these times shows my commitment to him and to this dynamic more than anything else ever could. It is in these times where we BOTH end up deepening our commitment to the each other and to this dynamic we're involved in.

This week our little family was confronted with an upsetting situation that has pushed Bruce and I even more than we are already currently being pushed. I'd prefer to avoid specifics, but we've been upset, overwhelmed, and exhausted for the past few days, and this next week will be even worse .So since it will be almost impossible not to feel under-appreciated, neglected, etc. in such extreme circumstances, this is a great week to focus on unconditional respect! The challenge I propose to myself (and anyone who wants to join me!) this week is to show unconditional respect in the following specific ways:

Mon - Thank him for a specific sacrifice he makes or has recently made for the family
Tues - Ask him in the evening what I can do to ease the stress of his day
Wed - Serve him in an unsolicited way (back rub, packing his lunch, etc.)
Thur - Tell him about a specific quality or trait that I find sexually attractive

Beautiful things always seem to happen when we shift our focus away from ourselves, so here goes. I realize it won't make things any simpler or easier, but at the very least it will prevent me from doing some unproductive and potentially destructive self pitying. Wish me luck!

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Order vs. Chaos

Really think about these two things for a moment. Maybe it’s on my mind because I have two babies under 14 months and chaos abounds, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how the Bible says that God is a god of order. And what is order really? Above all else I know that my fruitfulness as a wife, a mother, a worker, and a servant is directly proportional to the amount of order present in my life. It makes sense that order is right; everything functions better within it.

So a few days ago Bruce seemed irritated with me, and he started acted irritable to the point of being unkind. He left to run an errand, and I decided to text him about how we had left things. I tried to think of how I wanted to state my case: to describe how his actions were hurtful, defend where I was coming from, and explain what I felt was unfair… it all honestly made me feel very tired, especially while juggling an infant and pre-toddler. I knew I would go to a lot of trouble to say all of those things diplomatically, only to have my words come out wrong and/or be received poorly. I could almost guarantee it, and I just didn’t have the energy to waste. Nonetheless, we needed to be right with each other so doing nothing was also not an option. Suddenly it dawned on me that I did NOT need to state my case; I merely needed to let him know how I felt and ask him what he wants me to do about it. He is the boss, so his word is final… Changing my focus to simply meeting his expectations rather than how to align my expectations with his surprisingly felt clear and even freeing. Rather than wrack my brain to find the most concise and diplomatic way to speak my mind, I simply texted: “The way you’re treating me feels unloving- if I’ve been disrespectful to cause that please let me know what I’ve done so I can avoid doing it again.” Sure enough, he had been feeling disrespected. Of course we were both misinterpreting each other’s actions, but discussing that in detail would have led us down a defensive and destructive road. And we didn’t have to go there since the goal was much simpler than that: we merely needed to get right again based on his expectations. He told me what he felt I had done wrong, and before I could launch into defending myself and what I had meant, I remembered the goal and merely asked what I should do differently in the future. Oddly enough, focusing only on that eventually enabled both of us to understand the other more fully. I won’t pretend the whole exchange was easy or that we handled it perfectly because it wasn’t and we didn’t. Even still, things were made infinitely simpler (and got us back to adequately loving and respecting each other much faster) by maintaining this hierarchy, this order within our marriage.

Order… one of us has to be the boss; we absolutely have equal value, but only one of us can be the head. Two heads don’t work. And he is the one who has to be the head because, though society works hard to smother it, God planted a desire within him to lead and a desire within me to submit. Why is that so politically incorrect? Because secular society does not understand equal worth outside of sameness. Sincere Christianity understands it perfectly: we are all sinful, all sins are the same, Jesus paid for every single one of us… we all have true worth in God’s eyes, and not one person matters more than another. When that is truly and deeply clear, having different strengths and weaknesses isn’t frustrating or offensive, it’s beautiful. I admit I’m still programmed to forget, but the more moments of clarity I have the more I glimpse the true perfection of the whole system, and the more I want to function within that perfection. I trust my husband’s leadership, but more significantly I trust my Creator’s system. Bruce isn’t always a perfect leader and I am often an imperfect submissive, but this system of order has never failed us. (It should go without saying, but to be clear I am not saying that God’s design specifically encompasses marital spanking and discipline; they are just one flawed human implementation of His perfect design.) I think about the friction and confusion that existed in our marriage before we honed in on all of this, and I can’t believe the difference. We did have moments of clarity before, but they were interspersed with confusion and frustration that was often aimed at each other. If I’m honest with myself there was a fair amount of anger, hurt, miscommunication, bitterness, and disconnect. The system of two heads just didn’t work. His leadership and my submission may be far from perfect. And if we’re discussing flaws then really the entire idea of Domestic Discipline may well fall into that category. But there is no question in my mind that imperfection within a perfect system is far superior to any kind of functioning in a system that quite simply does not work.