Hi all. Let’s talk about the insane amount of work it takes just to live and do the right thing… yeah, raising two little babies while both working full time (actually Bruce is working way more than full time) involves early mornings, long work hours, repeatedly pumping/breastfeeding, getting kids ready for bed, lack of sleep, etc. But the real intensity comes with pushing past just going through the motions to do what’s right- be a productive worker, help our infant get plenty of nourishment, sleep, and love, teach considerateness to our pre-toddler, eat healthy and stay in shape, maintain healthy relationships with friends and family, and of course make time for each other and our marriage. I am so mentally and physically drained that I don’t even have the energy to process the exhaustion. Ha, in fact I am pumping myself full of caffeine as we speak just so I don’t fall asleep before actually posting!
But being spread so thin has done something great for my “Type A” perfectionist, OCD mentality; I have learned to accept a lot more. Now if you read my blog at all you know I’ve been specifically working at submitting and accepting the imperfections of our dynamic for over two years. But now this acceptance is running deeper; I’m not just dealing with or tolerating (I hate that word) things, but I am sincerely accepting them, embracing them even. And in regards to submission… not getting my way, internalizing better, receiving verbal and physical correction… acceptance is no simple task.
Let me be blunt and say that the exhaustion catching up with us this past week has taken a toll on our use of DD and even our sex life. Not only has it been a *cringe* full week since we’ve been intimate, but I honest-to-goodness got out of the shower this morning and noticed the unusual smooth/softness of my backside. Bruce has been telling me for three days now that a couple of not-so-submissive moments have warranted a serious punishment spanking, but we’ve been crashing so hard at the end of the day that it just hasn’t happened. But today after putting both babies down for a nap he followed me into our bedroom to get the monitors and much to my dismay he pulled out that horrible lexan paddle. He made me lay across the bed, and as he slid my pants and underwear down he reminded me that this was a punishment spanking, and that it would be harsh. Wow oh wow was he serious about that; it has been a very long time since I’ve been spanked that hard.
Here’s where the acceptance part comes in: I have shared with Bruce more than once that it helps me submit better when he achieves the same level of discomfort through more slightly-less-intense strikes rather than fewer especially severe strikes. Nonetheless I received relatively few (twenty?) strikes, all of which were very, very breathtakingly intense. As I’ve articulated to him before, that kind of intensity makes physical and even mental submission virtually impossible. Now I admit I am out of practice, so as I sensed and as Bruce later articulated, the amount of force he used was not really as harsh as it felt. At any rate I definitely squirmed, even to the point of getting out of position, cried, and begged for it to stop. He kissed me and rubbed my bottom between strikes two or three times, but each time when he returned to using the paddle it was so awful that I bit the pillow to keep from screaming. Since the intensity compensated for amount of strikes, in the end (and even now) I was definitely uncomfortable but no more sore than usual. But I just didn’t have the chance to get into the right frame of mind, and so I didn’t experience the kind of release that is so cathartic for me. Nonetheless, I truly accepted his choice to spank me this way, and when it was over he kissed me again and we made love without anything negative between us.
Earlier this evening I told Bruce that I intended to blog about this afternoon, so upon request he shared his motivations behind my punishment further, if nothing other than to confirm what I already knew. He said that he knows that I dislike being spanked that way, but that sometimes the point is for me to do what he says, especially when I dislike it. He reminded me that even though I wasn’t still or quiet, my taking the spanking was submitting in a way that was potentially even more significant to him. He’s right of course. And after all, it wouldn’t be a punishment if I didn’t really dislike it. I accept this especially because we’ve agreed that punishments should be particularly undesirable.
As important as it is to do all of this accepting, even true acceptance doesn’t mean I should ever stop seeking a stronger and deeper connection between the two of us. I really believe that continually seeking improvement is the best combatant of stagnation and apathy. So my goal these next two weeks is to purposefully pray for Bruce and myself, that each of us have the spiritual strength and clarity to be the best parent and spouse that we can be. I will try to be more sincerely submissive than I have been the past few weeks because it’s the right thing to do. After all, doing the right thing is a worthy cause, even when it is exhausting. And when it keeps me from experiencing a punishment like the one I had today, well that’s certainly an added bonus :)