Monday, September 4, 2017

When He's Angry

I'm perpetually struck by the difference between being on the receiving end of Bruce's stonewalling vs. Bruce's spankings. Stonewalling (shutting down emotionally and even verbally) seems to be a default for many men when they are angry, and I find that interesting. Inversely, it's really hard for men to buy into this whole idea at first- I remember Bruce was really apprehensive, citing that it sounded abusive, unmerciful, etc. This hesitation is honorable, and I can understand how a man might feel that stonewalling is a more noble course of action when they dislike the way we are acting. And actually I think it IS noble to respond that way to another male. But women are different: we crave that emotional and verbal connection more than anything. So while it is something that works for men, from my perspective stonewalling turns out to be pretty much the most hurtful possible way to react to most women. When Bruce used to react this way it felt so isolating and unkind that I would often lose it crying or even get angry that he could be so hurtful. But Bruce had assumed that when he was angry at me it was just better to shut down than to react. But was it?

It's interesting to consider the alternative of spanking. I know I shouldn't type this too loudly even within D/s circles, but we've agreed as a couple that Bruce can use spanking when he's angry. I know it's not for everyone, but my OCD looping is a very in-the-moment thing, and he wouldn't be able to shut it down nearly as often if he could only do so when he was feeling calm and collected. And doing things this way also prevents us from letting DD fall into the background when life gets overwhelming or intense.

While it really does work for us, let me say a few things about our use of spanking while angry:

1) It is imperative that Bruce is always in control. That's not to say things haven't been more harsh than is ideal before, but if things ever went to an extreme then we would obviously have some reevaluating to do

2) It only works if I own my portion of this choice- it cannot fall completely on him when he doesn't handle things perfectly. While we try to avoid it, a less-than-ideal experience is always a possibility. Rather than making a big deal out of it I accept these times because I feel the benefits outweigh the detriments.

3) It is unsettling to be seriously spanked by the man I love, and when he is clearly upset it is exponentially more so. In all seriousness, spanking while angry is not for the faint of heart. But it still absolutely beats the shit out of stonewalling!

In example, the other night I did something that made Bruce really upset. Without hesitating he dropped what he was doing and led me over to the couch and bent me over for a spanking. He spanked me plenty hard, and he was clearly angry- his typical softness and patience was replaced by irritable harshness, and it was emotionally unsettling enough that I was crying almost immediately. Even though I was the one to suggest the concept I truly hated going through it while it was happening.

But when it was over he hugged me and we went on with the night... together. While it was undeniably unsettling, I know exactly what the alternative would have been: The old Bruce would have shut down, and the old me would have become more hurt/angry until we both ended up in a shouting match, probably saying hurtful things that would have stuck with us for days. I am so thankful that this method of conflict resolution is a thing of the past! Now Bruce simply does not stonewall- he doesn't turn away from me or give up on staying connected; he comes toward me and doesn't even consider becoming disconnected as an option. To men stonewalling may seem like the honorable thing to do, and to society spanking your wife is the same as stripping her of her dignity. But to me my husband coming towards me in the interest of staying connected is a thousand times more loving than his turning away or shutting down in anger and exasperation. I know DD isn't for everyone, and I'm not saying it should be. I'm just saying that it actually makes a lot more sense than mainstream society would have you believe.

8 comments:

  1. I like your perspective on this, Kate. To be honest, I never thought of it this way. Good food for thought. I will say when Hoss tends to spank in the moment rather than waiting, there is a definite undertone that is undeniably more emotionally intense for both of us.
    --Baker

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    1. You're so right Baker, the emotional undertone is intense. It definitely takes some getting used to. But to me at least, it's worth it!

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  2. Hey Kate...In my opinion, there is a big difference between controlled and out of control verging on rage anger. As long as Bruce is in control of his anger and you both agree, I don't see a thing wrong with it. Matthew always waited until he was in control of his anger but he did spank me a few times when he wasn't calm...controlled but not calm. LOL I agree, it would be much more intense.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. No doubt about it! And I won't deny that it is a slippery slope, but we are careful to keep communicating with each other all along the way. That above all else has made it work so far- pretty much everything turns out okay when there's love and sincere communication present :)

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  3. Hi Kate!
    Just want to say, I completely agree with you on this! My husband also tends to withdraw when he is upset with me, and I hate that! I much prefer he directly deal with it rather than endure the emotional punishment of separation!
    By the way, I have been reading your blog since you started, and I always appreciate how thoughtful and transparent you are!
    Sincerely, Ava

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    1. Yes it really is emotional punishment, and it is much much worse! Glad you find the blog to be transparent- that is definitely my intent. Thank you for the comment!

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  4. Wow Kate! This is explained so well. I'm totally with you. I cannot handle the stonewalling. I fall completely apart and question everything - our relationship, my value, his love. This would be so much better and I say that because I trust my husband, even when he is angry. This would not be work in a relationship where an angry man has no control. Amy

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    1. Amy, you make a good point. Trust is the maker or breaker in this particular aspect, as it is with the whole dynamic really. Thanks for the comment!

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