Sunday, October 1, 2017

I Don't Want to Do This!

Submitting is hard. And as we all know, when both partners are spread thin it is hard to feel that one's efforts are being reciprocated. Of course at the end of the day Bruce is using a percentage of what little energy he has left on making sure I feel loved and cherished, and I am spending a similar percentage of my remaining energy trying to make him feel appreciated and respected. But when our needs aren't being fully met due to an overall lack of time and energy, it's hard to feel loved, cherished, appreciated, or respected. And then of course it becomes difficult to even give the energy you had already been giving to build up the other... enter the Crazy Cycle yet again. I admit I am struggling to act respectful due to this perceived lack of reciprocity, and I have no doubt that he is struggling to act lovingly for the exact same reason. I think we both know that either of us singularly hold the power to set the cycle spinning in the opposite direction, but boy is it hard to be the one to step up to the plate in the midst of all of the other things we need to be doing right now.

Last night Bruce and I sat in my son's nursery like we do every night; me nursing my son and he holding my daughter. It was story time and we were reading the Dr. Seuss classic "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish." It's really a pretty random book, and towards the end Bruce read a page that asked the reader if they had done any of the things described. It followed the question by saying:

If you never did, you should; these things are fun, and fun is good.

Although I think we both get the spirit of the quote, it hit us a bit differently based on where we're at right now in life. After reading the above line Bruce lowered the book, looked at me, and said "That's really great logic, especially for a kids' book... 'yeah, I'm not gonna do that because it's not fun'... what a world it would be if we all decided to live that way." He said it lightheartedly and I sort of chuckled with him, but I thought more about it after story time was over. Everyday really is an awesome day because we are in love and have two healthy babies. But there are so many times throughout the week where I explicitly think "I don't want to do this." For example waking up at 4:30 every weekday, whittling away at my work to-do list, cleaning up after dinner, washing my breast-pump, choosing respect over reaction... and lately pretty much every time I have to submit to a spanking. Yes, it's always unpleasant to a point, but even maintenance is something I have been dreading lately. I know it brings a much needed reconnect, but even still at the end of the day I am just So. Damn. Tired.

So as the evening wound down last night Bruce told me to head downstairs and wait for a spanking. I knew it was just maintenance, but even maintenance brings a physical and emotional intensity that I simply did not feel capable of handling. I brushed my teeth slowly and felt my heart sink as I entered the room; the looped cane, the strap, and the lexan paddle all lay across the foot of the bed. I whimpered something about saving the blended spankings for punishments, but as he helped me into position he merely said "You get to dictate what happens here?" To make matters worse, he referenced a REALLY stupid joke I had made about my spankings being typically short while her gave me a lengthy, harsh warm-up. Everything within me wanted to be anywhere other than bared over his lap. I squirmed a good deal, but when he started in with the looped cane I forced myself still. When he was finished with that he went on to the paddle, and eventually he finished with the strap, giving long and thorough hand spankings in between each implement. Needless to say the whole thing lasted for well over a few minutes, and it was overwhelming to say the least. By the time it was over I was very uncomfortable, but as it was only maintenance the feeling of being so clearly overpowered felt purely erotic. In fact so much so that I, um, went over the edge without permission, earning me yet another strapping... but I digress. In fact... I admit I only mention that because it was just really incredibly hot ;)


Anyway, when it was all over and I was laying in his arms with a thoroughly heated backside, I found myself thinking as usual that the discomfort and emotional intensity had been worth it after all. The connection we enjoyed as a result of all of that expended physical and emotional energy, THAT was fun. So I guess the bottom line is that all of the not-so-fun things that need done do eventually bring about something that actually IS fun; waking early creates a calm start to my day, my work produces a service that brings a sense of fulfillment, cleaning the kitchen creates a pleasant home environment, etc. So if I view submission in this light, it makes sense to choose respect and service during the times that I'd like to do anything but that; respect makes my man feel the way he should, and eventually that begets loving gestures. It's like my submitting to being spanked last night: the initial unpleasantness of forfeiting control eventually led to a thing that wasn't at all unpleasant, but a thing that was extremely pleasant. In fact, it was downright fun.

And as Dr. Seuss says, fun is good ;)

2 comments:

  1. Loved this post, Kate! Totally get where you're coming from!
    --Baker

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    1. Always good to hear I’m not alone. Thanks Baker :)

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