Sunday, November 5, 2017

Punishment and Exhaustion

Last night I asked Bruce what I should blog about. We had a truly insane week, filled with unusually stressful work situations for both of us (because of this I got a pass for posting last Sunday, so here I am tonight). Anyway, I asked him what I should write about because DD seems to be very blah for us right now. When I told him this he seemed to understand- he asked if I meant how things feel uneventful right now because we're just trying to make it, and I said yes. As we are in our most exhausting season of life thus far, we both know that we definitely don't use DD enough. Just a few minutes before typing this Bruce commented that we really need to get on a better maintenance schedule so that I can have a better attitude more easily. He wasn't complaining about anything I've done, he really was just commenting on the need for more maintenance, and I know he's right. It sounds too exhausting right now, but it helps us reconnect, and it helps us maintain our roles better. And when we do that everything runs smoother; we get more done, we function better with our babies, and we enjoy our time more. DD truly helps our marriage on a lot of levels! But the exhaustion makes it hard to keep up on it. Especially regarding keeping up on punishments, as these take even more emotional and physical energy (for both of us) than maintenance.

So imagine my reaction when, after my most insane day last week, we collapsed into bed and he told me it was time for my punishment (for sassing and overreacting, my specialty...). We literally had just gotten home and put the babies to bed, and it was so late that we went straight to bed after that. At first I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. I begged to postpone it for another time, and I seriously would have cried right then if I wasn't so incredibly tired.

It was no surprise when the spanking began just as harshly as ever, but I just could not take it on any level- emotionally, physically, mentally. He used the strap and the lexan paddle, and the harshness easily sent me past my tolerance limit. Having no control and feeling unable to take the discomfort, I began crying in no time at all. In some part of my brain I did feel a sense of relief at being forced to submit to him, but most of me just felt completely overwhelmed. Of course things wouldn't have been much different even if he would have chosen a different night; every night that week was nuts. Still, it was just so intense to go through at that point. When it was finally over he painfully but passionately initiated intimacy (which ended very nicely to say the least), and when it was over he held me. Where I usually process the entire thing in a way that leaves me feeling clear and fulfilled, I laid in his arms feeling... exhausted. I hadn't had the energy to process fully or really much at all. Still, some part of me was fulfilled, particularly in the fact that we had just connected exclusively. Whatever the spanking was, it didn't include my work stresses or his, it didn't even include our babies or the home tasks that needed completed. It was just about him and me, and our interaction with each other.

When I had asked Bruce for ideas on what to write about since we were kind of in a just-getting-by mode, he had eventually suggested I write about what just-getting-by DD looks like for us. So there it is. It isn't perfect- it's inconsistent and doesn't leave as powerful an impact as it could, but it IS still present. We are still connecting and still devoting energy to each other, which is more than I can say for a lot of couples during this stage of life. So all things considered, I'll definitely take that. Which is good, especially considering that, as Bruce would say, it isn't really up to me to begin with ;)

2 comments:

  1. Good post! I remember having a similar feeling with our crew when we had several little ones under four and by the grace of God we all survived. I often wonder if dd was in our marriage then, would things have felt less chaotic?
    --Baker

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    1. Ha I hear you on surviving by the grace of God. Less chaotic is a good way to frame that Baker- DD doesn’t really make life easier right now, but it really does help in terms of order/chaos. Thanks for the comment :)

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