Merry Christmas All! JGirl and her Taming of the Shrew Blog (blog reel to the right) is quite probably the most read DD Blog in existence. Now part of that is because she is well-written and just generally a fantastic woman, but I really believe that a major factor in the blog’s popularity can be attributed to the [honest] documentation of a real, long-term, successful D/s relationship. Let’s be honest, this lifestyle is higher maintenance than just being with someone, and hard work isn’t necessarily something humanity flourishes in so... a lot of D/s relationships seem to fizzle once the honeymoon phase wears off and the hard work really begins. But not so for JGirl and her husband Jason! They have been at this for a long time, and they have committed to working hard to make it work. And so it does :)
Anyway, about a month or so ago she interviewed me about living the lifestyle. We both got some positive feedback from that, so I thought interviewing the true veteran would be even better. Here are my interview questions about what it’s like to live this lifestyle long term, and JGirl’s responses below. I love her answers, particularly #7 and #8. Lots of wisdom here- hopefully you feel the same. Happy Reading!
1. What is the biggest benefit you see from having lived this lifestyle for a few years now?
I think the biggest benefit is really how close we are. Since we wrap up any discord pretty quickly, we hardly ever have any unresolved issues between us. We are able to talk through anything, and we understand each other so well now. After years of learning how to communicate and meet each other’s needs, it’s really brought us so much closer together. And because he’s literally the Dom of my dreams, I find him super hot, which is really fun. ;)
2. What remains your biggest challenge?
Busyness. With a large family and both of us working, we have to work incredibly hard at finding time for each other. About 90% of our issues stem from not having time to communicate effectively because of other commitments. Then, our commitments drain us, and we find we don’t always have the energy we need for each other. We have to be very intentional about finding time to connect, but it’s a constant effort.
3. Describe an initial challenge the two of you faced that is mostly nonexistent by now.
Understanding why I wanted this. I struggled so hard with feeling like I was weird or a freak because I wanted him to not only dominate but discipline me. It took years of self-exploration and working things out with Jason before I had peace with that. From his perspective, he didn’t understand it all either. Now, we never question why. We both understand it well and embrace it. It’s become such a part of who we are, and the fruits of the lifestyle are abundantly clear.
4. How has your sex life generally changed/improved long-term?
It’s a hundred times better! Ok, before it was also largely impacted by having babies and lack of sleep, and now that are kids are older that isn’t as much of an issue. But we’re both erotically attracted to the power exchange, so even snuggling and talking over rules turns us both on! He spanks me regularly to keep me sane and in my submissive place, and we’re both so turned on by spanking that that helps, too. Also, I’m no longer self conscious about my body around him. I’m not allowed to criticize my body, and the frequent lovemaking has helped me be comfortable in my own skin.
5. From your perspective, why does this lifestyle work?
I could probably write an essay on this. Also, it works differently for different people. For our purposes here, I’m going to assume we mean the lifestyle in which there is one partner in authority as the dominant, and another as the submissive. I personally feel it works for many reasons. First, because it’s an agreed-upon imbalance of power, the couple is still on equal footing. Delegating authority to one doesn’t negate the other’s self worth. If it did, it wouldn’t work the way it does. Second, giving one partner authority means that there is no room for dissension, no power struggle. So problems are fairly easily resolved. Third, most of us find this lifestyle erotic, so it increases the connection between the two, bringing about a depth in relationship they may not have found before. Fourth, when we embrace mutual self-giving, both are fulfilled. The dominant partner’s need to protect, guide, and lead are met, the submissive partner’s need to be protected, guided, and led are met. That changes from couple to couple, though. Some really are just in this so they can pursue their own goals, and having the accountability allows that. When this lifestyle works, with years of practice, we can become the best we hope for, with a solid, loving relationship to boot.
6. What’s the most prevalent misconception you’ve faced about the lifestyle?
There are many. From the outside world? That it’s wrong. That adults shouldn’t discipline one another or seek discipline, and that those who do are somehow disordered.
From those inside the world? That it’s easy. It isn’t. It’s one of the most challenging things Jason and I have ever done. The payoff is tremendous, but it takes so much work to get there.
7. Is there any advice you feel would have saved you a lot of heartache back in the beginning?
Yes, and it’s the advice I frequently now give. If you want to submit, don’t expect him to make you. Choose to submit on your own. Don’t make this all about you. The only person you can control is yourself, so focus on your own submission, and the dominance will usually follow.
8. Do you have any words of advice for couples that aren’t new to the lifestyle but still aren’t as settled as you and Jason?
Yes. After the honeymoon period is over, you tend to hit the hardest part of all. In order for this to work at this stage, it becomes essential for each partner to focus heavily on meeting the needs of the other. My advice would be for both partners to find ways of meeting the needs of the other as best they can. Dominants, this often means paying more attention to your submissive, focusing less on your own needs and more on hers. Submissives, this often means obedience in areas you don’t like, focusing less on your own needs and more on his.
9. What is the biggest change you’ve seen in Jason over the years?
He’s so much hotter! Lol No, really, I’ve always been attracted to him, but now that he’s in this position of authority, because I’m submissively wired, I find him so hot. I melt into a little puddle on the regular! He’s also far more self confident and happier than he’s ever been.
10. What is the biggest change you have seen in yourself?
I am happy and fulfilled. I struggled for years with a negative self image and poor self worth. Though I still struggle with those things, I wake up most days happy with my life, and eager to take things on. I’m gentler with myself in some ways. Though I am goal-oriented and fairly driven, I don’t allow the self criticism as often as I used to. Now that I’m not as mired in my self worth issues, I find it easier to pursue my dreams, easier to focus on what I’m thankful for, and easier to see the beauty in the every day.