Hey all. I've had the Christina Perry song "Human" bouncing around in my head for the past week or so, I think partly because the shortcomings of humanity and my own shortcomings are just all too evident when I pause to notice them.
Bruce and I are so ready for things to normalize into a still busy but more manageable lifestyle. We have less than a month to go, and things should calm down considerably! He and I were talking again last night about how we just simply neglect each other more than we should while we are spread so thin. We eventually drifted into discussing DD, and he was saying how he'd like to be doing maintenance at least once a week again if not more. I hope we can get back to that again too! Our roles are present and active whether or not he spanks me, but having that physical act of dominance and submission is so helpful to both of us in reminding us of how we want to be serving the other person.
For the past few weeks I've been rubbing Bruce's feet every other night or so, after the babies are in bed, and that's been a nice physical act as well. Then on Wednesday I got a good hard spanking that I felt for a few days and that was good. Well at least once it was over it was good, ha. As I've mentioned Bruce spanks very hard, so even though he's been much easier on me postpartum than he was pre-babies, it is always hard to take. It started out with the usual mental processes; it always seems uncomfortable but really hot for like the first three strikes, and then it's just really uncomfortable! He and I both know that our DD works best with more intensity than what may be typical, but I won't deny that I often envy the women that share about a spanking that stings but isn't too bad overall. I only get spankings like that when it's a purely sexy spanking. In some ways these spankings can be similar to maintenance, but maintenance is much harder and includes verbal reminders of recent moments of not-so-submissive behavior as well as reiterations of who the boss is and why submission works. They are similar though in the sense that he is doing it to connect with me and remind me of the many ways that he takes care of me.
Anyway, on Wednesday he used the lexan paddle which is seriously the most miserable implement I can imagine, so things got heated very quickly. He spanked me until I was really crying, which strangely always indicates his care for me so deeply... he knows that I need the emotional release, he knows I need to feel helpless and surrendered, and he sexily knows how far to take me so that I reach that point. Most significantly he is willing to take the time to get me there, although I admit it really doesn't take much since being pregnant. I usually reach this point and feel an urge to express my submission to him, either by physical stillness or by some statement or other, but I feel spread so thin that I just didn't have the energy to think that far. Instead I just cried "I love you so much" into the pillow, and although he didn't stop the spanking he matched my simple sincerity as he said it right back to me. The simplicity of this was so sweet, and so frank in the midst of this weird and complicated thing that we do, and thinking back on it now I value that memory so much. It's one of the memories I'll store away and return to when I'm feeling emotional or unsettled. Because no matter how much clarity we achieve, we somehow always lose sight of the bigger picture again eventually.
Ha, I'm still thinking of that song. The end of the chorus says "You build me up and then I fall apart, 'cause I'm only human..." Yep, shortcomings abound. But we've never really stopped working at it, and we love each other so much that we'd get back on track even if we had.
So here's to a few more crazy weeks. One of the things I love about DD is how the strangeness and complexity of the whole thing prevents us from being anything close to pretentious... like we can't ignore our shortcomings or take ourselves too seriously when we're talking about a grown woman being regularly spanked by her lover! DD is certainly imperfect, but it is quite sincere. Just like Bruce and I and our marriage. And I have peace with that. After all, we're only human :)