Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Key To Marital Bliss (not what you think!)

I literally have the answer, I’m not kidding. And no it’s not necessarily spanking :) That can add a lot of very nice things, but that’s not what I’m talking about. But I do think that this lifestyle brushes against the “answer,” so I feel it makes sense to discuss this on my blog.

Are you ready? Love and respect. There’s a whole book on it, and here’s the premise: a man’s love language is respect. Once you think about it this way, this truth is painfully obvious everywhere you turn. Men make so much more sense this way, ha! But here’s the application of this concept in marriage: when a man feels respected by his wife he naturally responds lovingly, and when his wife feels loved she naturally responds respectfully. Inversely of course, when he feels disrespected he withdraws, and his wife feels unloved, which leads her to behave disrespectfully, ad nauseum. This concept changed my life. It’s been a while since I read the book, but I recently went back through it and I’m thinking I really have to share this idea with as many people as I can.

I’m not a big reader, but the book elaborating on this phenomenon is something I cannot recommend more strongly. It’s called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, and no matter how happy your marriage may be, I am confident that the truth laid out in this book will make it better. NonChristians can benefit from this concept as much as Christians can, but I should mention that it is a Christian book. The writer points out that the primary Bible verse on marriage is “Husbands love your wives; wives respect your husbands.” (Ephesians 5). This wasn’t some sexist command, it was a literal description of how to function so both parties can meet the needs of the other! Of course, as a totally messed up society we have just completely ignored the second part of that simple directive, assuming that no, respect must always be earned. And maybe in other cases it should. But the suggestion here is that we respect our husbands because they are our husbands, period. This was actually the most freeing part of this concept for me; before, I always felt that my desire to help my husband follow his moral compass conflicted with my desire to simply make him happy, but now I see that they actually go hand in hand. It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict him, and it is my job to step back and let Him. No internal debate about how to react anymore- I know the answer is always to show respect above all else, and that’s that. Unless of course he is explicitly leading us against scripture... but if we’re honest with ourselves, questioning his purity of heart is not at all explicit, and thus not a justification to withhold respect. In any case, I urge everyone to consider this concept. And please read the book on it rather than only my not-so-eloquent summation of the idea. 

Whew, it’s hard not to internally cringe when connecting Christianity to a spanking blog... to me they can work hand in hand, but I certainly realize that spanking in a romantic relationship is largely kink. After praying and meeting with a conservative Lutheran Pastor about adopting this lifestyle (yep I really did that; see my post titled as much!), I feel very confident that DD is no different than many other harmless things that can be an aid to faith if used correctly and a detriment if not. I know I say this type of thing a lot throughout my blog, but it’s important to me that I don’t dishonor my God by connecting Him too explicitly or forcefully to this lifestyle. 

SO, to tie it all together, I really believe that this is why spanking can work- it addresses a man’s need to feel respect and a woman’s need to feel loved. And it’s hot, ha. Seriously though, think about it. I mean, the respect thing not the spanking thing. Or hey, why not think about both ;)


  1. This line - spot on! "... a literal description of how to function so both parties can meet the needs of the other." Reminds me of a Bible Study where the leader gently reminded us we weren't our husbands Holy Spirit and to get out of the way to let him work :)

    1. Ugh you are so right, how do we all manage to do that so badly!? It’s like the whole “I trust you, but...” thing we do with our husbands, only aimed at God! Thanks for sharing, and it’s great hearing from you :)

  2. Hi Kate,
    Great post!! I read that book 10 years ago when we were active in church. The whole theory came alive to me though after we started our dynamic 3 1/2 years ago. I remember hearing, "Respect must be earned!" back then, and I wondered, "But wait, Love is unconditional!" It's crazy how "incorrect" culturally it is to respect men these days!
    Since starting TTWD, "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle has been very important for me. Though it's not a Christian book, it has been extremely helpful to me in learning to recognize behaviors which are not respectful, but which seemed so innocent before, like "helping"!
    As always, I appreciate your well-written, honest and insightful blog so much! Keep it up!

    1. Thank you for your kind words. And YES, the whole concept of Love-is-Unconditional-but-Respect-Must-Be-Earned is the key exactly- thanks for highlighting that so succinctly. And thank you for the book recommendation, I will have to check it out!