My typical blogging process is to try to summarize my past two weeks and consider what lessons or important moments I’ve experienced so that I can post with a theme of thought. But today I just want to share my thoughts without any planned deeper meaning or cohesiveness. So take it or leave it, I’m going to treat this post like I’m having coffee with a close friend who understands and cares about our use of DD. Who knows, maybe my ramblings will organize themselves around something specific that I can use to title this post!
First of all, man is this lifestyle lonely! I’m not comfortable sharing with anyone in my regular life, and people already in the lifestyle understandably have their own lives and dynamics to focus on. Add in the fact that everyone practices DD in different ways and intensities, and it’s just not ideal to share everything that’s on your mind, ever. But sometimes I want to do just that!
We went on a family trip this past week (SO stressful with babies), and we had two nights of total privacy, even more than we have at home (and we have a fair amount of privacy regularly once the kids are in bed). Bruce told me to pack the strap, which to my memory is the first time I have ever been allowed to pack anything other than the lexan paddle! He told me ahead of time that I would be getting some serious maintenance, so I knew it was coming. We’re definitely getting back in the swing of DD since pregnancies, but spanking and keeping up on our roles have taken such a hit that I think it will be a while before we get back to where we were pre-babies. Anyway, serious maintenance used to involve more intensity and more submission, which led to more intense feelings and connections. He still spanks plenty hard now, but I’m just never really sure what to expect since we both know I can’t handle a fraction of what I used to.
The first night he gave me a long, hard warm-up with his hand. I almost love getting these relatively brief hand spankings from him- they are intimate and definitely plenty intense, but never over the top. To be honest they just turn me on a lot! But this actually kind of sucks because these types of spankings are generally followed by a really harsh spanking with an unbearable implement, or a continued hand spanking that becomes unbearably long. He knows I’m a spanko, ha, and he’s been clear from the beginning that my spankings need to hurt a lot or they won’t be very effective at anything other than foreplay. He’s right; the punishments are horrible and I hate everything about them... and hard maintenance is sobering and effectively makes me feel like I am most certainly not in control (to me this is the most beautiful feeling that DD offers, it is scary and awful in the moment, but freeing and profoundly intimate in retrospect. It clears my head and gives me perspective and emotional stability like no other worldly thing).
Anyway, the warm up was followed by forty strikes with the strap. He has never used the strap that much before! One thing I have to say for lexan, it delivers a horrible surface sting (one that has aptly been compared to scalding!), but it never leaves any deep bruising. Even after a really intense paddling I usually have a skin rash of sorts, but any tenderness that lingers is not pronounced or deep enough to leave visible bruises. This is not so with the strap! In the morning I was plenty sore. Every time I sat down or pressed against something I was reminded of his expression of dominance over me, and honestly I loved it. While lingering soreness from a punishment spanking can bring mixed emotions, lingering soreness from maintenance makes me feel loved, dominated, and cared for. Especially since, for us, maintenance almost always ends in intimacy.
That following night brought a pleasant but real discussion about how I am still somewhat off the mark submissively. Bruce does not blame me for this, he owns that he has been less committed to leading as well, in fact he has blamed himself a few times, citing the fact that he knows how to fix it and yet hasn’t done it as much as he could have when times were especially stressful. Of course we are really each responsible for ourselves, but I love that he recognizes how powerful DD can be when we are diligent about everything.
At the end of our rejuvenating and romantic evening it was time for round two. This time the warm-up was pretty hard to take as I was already very sore, and when he started in with the strap I struggled badly. I had trouble staying quiet throughout, but eventually I did manage to keep mostly still. It seemed to last forever, and after twenty or so I was definitely crying. After a grueling total of sixty strikes he was done, and despite the (considerable) pain I was so ready when he initiated intimacy. I felt dominated and loved, alive and attractive. I just felt so connected to the man next to me. I remember thinking how crazy this scenario would be to any “normal” couple, but I also distinctly remember thinking that I did not care. I know this thing we do is strange, but it makes sense to us and we are careful to use it in a way that brings us closer to the husband and wife that we want to be. I am so thankful for that!
I woke feeling more sore than I have since our kids were born, and I certainly felt it for the next several days. In fact Bruce has made sure to nurse the soreness with a few spankings here and there, and I am still uncomfortable when I sit down almost a week later! But I’m glowing over our renewed DD efforts, and the reminder of how freaking hot this all can be.
And so, as our coffee date comes to a close, let me share a few summative thoughts. I love this dynamic we share. I love the serious times that I really hate, but that sharpen me to be a better wife and a better person. I love the discussions it brings about between the two of us, and the wordless closeness it brings. I love the scandalous sexiness of the physicality of it all. Even in the serious and challenging times I just want to shout from the roof tops that me submitting and him leading simply makes sense! And then I want to tell all of my girlfriends that married “kink” isn’t necessarily horrible if you use your brain and if the basis of it comes from a sincere place... and wow can it make for a crazy hot sex life! Lol ok I can just imagine someone quoting the above to underline the warped perspective of people like us. But I know that many people out there, those who aren’t focused so hard on squeezing their ears closed, many of them can catch a glimmer of sense, of rightness in this crazy thing. Okay okay, maybe the spanking part is truly crazy. But men do want to lead, and women do want to submit, not coweringly but strongly and beautifully. And monogamous married sex is the hottest sex imaginable! There is no possible way that two people who aren’t committed for the long haul can understand each other this fully or connect this deeply! It’s amazing. It is worth celebrating.
But as I toss my coffee cup and head back on the road I know that this celebration isn’t one that I can share with most people I meet, particularly in today’s American society. So I go about my daily life as if my home life is just as routine as the next guy’s. I tolerate the snickers of teenagers who think they have a clue what hot sex looks like. I smile politely when people say that Bruce and I seem so happy in love. I guess I could stop them and explain that our secret is that he spanks the heck out of me whenever he wants to. In fact sometimes I want to! But a polite smile is just a lot less complicated isn’t it?